Tag Archives: media

Just Say No to Drugs?

So I just heard that Jen McCarthy and Jim Carrey have broken up after five years.  And while I am certainly bummed that these two couldn’t work it out, it’s the reason why they broke up which I find more upsetting than anything else. 

Supposedly, Carrey is having another serious bout of depression, disappearing for days at a time, or holing himself up at his home, and not taking any calls.  Additionally, he is refusing to take any meds, despite of having a lifelong history of depression.  He has taken Prozac for short durations, but refused to be on any anti-depressant long-term,  as stated in a Larry King interview in 2008:

KING: Didn’t you suffer from depression?
CARREY: Yes, yes. I’m on a manic high right now. Can’t you tell?
KING: How did you get through that to this?
CARREY: Well, that’s another thing. You know at the risk of like opening up the whole Tom Cruise Prozac argument, you know, I don’t disagree in many ways. I think Prozac and things like that are very valuable to people for short periods of time. But I believe if you’re on them for an extended period of time, you never get to the problem. You never get to see what the problem is, because everything is just kind of OK. And so, you don’t deal. And people deal when they get desperate.
KING: So how did you do it?
CARREY: I take supplements.
KING: Vitamins?
CARREY: Yes — well, it’s not — well, it is vitamins. But it’s also certain elements of the brain like Tyrosine and hydroxytryptophan that they’re treating depression with now. It is a natural substance that’s in your brain. Instead of being a Serotonin inhibitor, which just uses the serotonin you have and Prozac and things like that — it just uses the Serotonin you have and it doesn’t allow it go back into the receptor. It metabolizes your serotonin after a while and you have to keep taking more and more to feel good. This actually creates dopamine and creates serotonin. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s amazing. I’m going to talk a lot about it in the near future.
KING: You’re going to write about it?
CARREY: Yes.

I don’t know, is it me or am I the only one who’s really getting tired of actors pretending to have medical degrees?  There’s nothing wrong with becoming an educated patient, and I believe each of us must be our own best advocate, and not solely reliant on a hierarchically organized, paternalistic medical model.  That said….um DUDE…you suffer from depression, a scientifically studied, neurologically oriented mental health disorder.  And a couple of chewable Flintstones ain’t gonna cut it. 

I also know some are going to blame his former girl Jen for his anti-drug stance, because most people believe she’s anti-vaccine when in actuality, she does believe in vaccines – just on a more delayed schedule and without unnecessary additives.  That said, she’s another one who comes off as a medical expert on the talk show circuit, and the last time I checked, you don’t get an MD from having hosted MTV. I’m just saying…

Usually, I take things that celebrities say about as seriously as I take the babblings of a toddler, but in this case, I take issue with what’s going on here.  I don’t think he doesn’t take his meds because he wants to deal with the root cause of his problems, I think Jim Carrey doesn’t take his meds because he’s uncomfortable with the stigma attached to mental illness.  Because by taking his meds – and taking them for the long-term – that means he has to put himself into the category of people who are chronically mentally ill…and I guess while it’s ok to wear your girlfriend’s thong bathing suit in front of the paparazzi, it’s not ok to have to take ‘crazy pills’ for the rest of your life.

I guess I’m taking this personally because I used to be Jim Carrey.  I too have suffered from depression on and off throughout my life, and for thirty-plus years refused to take any meds (something I wrote about here).  I get how difficult it is to accept that depression is the shadow which will haunt the corners of your house for the rest of your life.  I understand how terrifying it is to think that others think you ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’.  I also understand that when you’re in the midst of your disorder, your normative, cognitive rationale will fail you, and while you think you’re handling your disorder just fine – without therapy, without medication – everyone around you bites their lip while watching you flaying in the ocean of your own despair.

After thirty-odd years of being so staunchly against antidepressants, you know what finally turned me around to at least giving them a try?  It was a fifteen-year-old girl. 

I was at my cousin’s bar mitzvah, and his older sister – who is beautiful and charming, smart and funny – stood in front a synagogue audience of about 500 people and talked about not only how much she loved her little brother, but how she envied him his social ease and his laissez fare attitude.  She talked about her need to take anti-depressant and anti anxiety meds, and how she wished it all came as easily for her as it did for him.  Fifteen years old. 

And I sat there in awe of her as she joked about her struggles in front of family and strangers alike.  And if it was even possible, I loved her more…which made me realize how ridiculous I had been all these years, fearing that others would judge me.  Because I certainly didn’t judge her.  In the end, by releasing my own need for control, I regain a part of myself that would have otherwise alluded me…the part that feels joy and gratitude, even in the middle of the chaos…the part that is able to distinguish real problems from distractions….the part of me others feel at ease around.

I wish that for Jim Carrey. I wish that for us all.

Gay? Straight? Bi? Try Bored Already.

So the big news in the blogosphere today is that Academy Award winning actress, Anna Paquin, has announced she’s a bisexual.  This, of course, is right on the tails of Ricky Martin’s announcement that he’s actually (wait for it, wait for it) gay. 

Well, whoop-de-FRICKIN’-doo.

Look, let me say right off the bat that I’m all for gay rights. I think the LGBT community should be able to get married, adopt kids, the whole she-bang bang.  And I get that the more people “come out” of the closet, the more we bring complicated issues of sexuality and gender into the mainstream conversation, which hopefully leads to acceptance.  Duly noted.

I guess I’m just bored of the conversation.  Like with race and the presidency, I would like for us – as a nation – to frankly be better than this, that “issues” such as who one wants to shag & love, is in fact no big deal and is no one’s business. 

Moreover, the idea of labeling our sexuality just seems ridiculous as a whole.  For me, as long as it’s human and an adult, whatever you’re into, it’s go-time.  Which is why, I guess, many are turning to the Greeks (because, um yeah, that’s who ya go to when you want to know the origins of pretty much anything to do with sex) for the term pansexuality.

Pansexuality (also referred to as pans), or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation, characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[2] For others, an individual’s sex, gender expression,or gender identity can be a key factor of attraction, despite the pansexual individual’s wide range of sex and gender attractions.The word pansexual is derived from the Greek prefix pan-, meaning “all”. It is intended to negate the idea of two genders (as expressed by bi-). The adjective pansexual may also be applied to organizations or events. In this context, the term usually indicates an openness to the involvement of people of all genders and sexual orientations in said organization/event, as well as the pansexual sexual identity.

I know.  Sounds kinda weird like that, but is it really?  Truth be told, while the majority of time I’m into men, I will occasionally see a woman who I’d run over puppies to get to.  And frankly, certain androgynous choice selections like k.d. lang (well, maybe 10 years ago) I find totally compelling as well.  And the reason why I don’t worry about putting a label on it is because I see the inherent fluidity within sexuality. 

That said, I know I make such declarations from the comfy seated privilege “throne” of legally sanctioned ‘heterosexuality’.  Trust me, I’m more than willing to share. Really.

Anyway, so Anna Paquin likes hot dogs and hamburgers. Good for her. And psst…Ricky? We figured you out a loonngg time ago.  I didn’t care then.  I don’t care now.  Be happy.  Be safe. And let’s care about something beyond our neighbors’ bedrooms.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Top Ten Worthy-of-Being-Remembered Songs of 2009

2009 happened to be one of my best years, but I know that I’m one of the few who can say that these days. 

For most, 2009 blew big chunks and I’m not surprised to see many sticking their heads under their pillows, wrapping their rosaries around their neck, and praying for it all to go away. Fast.

Personally, I don’t think 2009 was a particularly compelling year for music, but there are a few stand-outs.  And btw, I’ve seen some of the other suggests from the music mags and I think most of them are reaching…trying to make stuff that was catchy-at-best appear larger than reality. Hey, we’ve all got blank space to fill, so I get it.

Alright, I’ll stop stalling and throw it at you.  See what sticks as the earworm in your canal…

10.  “How I Got Over,”  (The Roots)

It’s unusual for me to feature a hip hop selection because I think most of the genre’s turned to shit. These guys are the exception.  The Roots – out of Philly – really keep getting better.  Can’t find this particular track on iTunes, but found it through SPIN magazine’s Top 20 list.

9. “Daniel,”  (Bat for Lashes)

Everyone in the alternative music community went completely ape-shit over Bat for Lashes sophomore effort, Two Suns, this year.  Rightfully so because Nastasha Khan is an ethereal, indie rock shaman.  I had tickets for their DC concert at the 9:30 Club, but couldn’t go at the last minute. Sad thing is, I couldn’t give them away because no one’s really heard of them yet.  Pity because she’s amazing.  Think Goldfrapp with St. Vincent and you’re most of the way there…

8. “Laughter with a Mouth of Blood,”  (St. Vincent)

Ok, so I know I’m twelve years old, but I love music mixes and no one fucking makes them anymore. Well, not for me anyways.  There’s one exception and that’s my brother-from-another-mother, Chez Pazienza – from Deus Ex Malcontent dot com fame…he came to stay with us for five days earlier this year (leaving the toilet seat up every time) and I pestered him into making me a mix since I think his taste in music is infinitely better than mine.

This track was on there, and I think Annie Clark (St.Vincent) is a trip – sashaying her way through a song like soft pedaling it through an orchestral daisy field, but hits you with lyrics as dark as the tornado cloud sneaking up on your laissez-fare-loving ass.

By the way, do I ever get a mention on his blog?  No. Nada. None. I’m just saying, some love and props would be nice.

7. “Misguided Ghosts,” (Paramore)

 

There are a lot of people my age afraid to admit they like Paramore – probably because their sophomore album was such a raucous hit amongst the kiddies, plus them being featured on the Twilight soundtracks.  But fuck it because they’re awesome – a heart-pumping machiatto blend of Evanescence, Jimmy Eat World, and the early days of No Doubt.  This is actually one of their quieter tracks, which flew under many other’s radar for 2009, but not mine.

6. “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked,” (Cage the Elephant)

This is a hot track, reminding me of The Black Crowes in their heyday. You can’t help but bob your head and slap your thigh when listening to this one.

5. “Just Breathe,” (Pearl Jam)

This should probably be number one, considering the year most have had, because how can you go wrong when Eddie Vedder reminds you to be grateful for what you have, and breathe on through the rest of the shit ’til it passes? Pearl Jam hasn’t lost a thing since they came out of Seattle in the early 90s.  I’m so proud of these guys…

 4. “Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down.

God, I love this girl, and shame on me for not sharing that enough.  Not only is she an amazing performer and songwriter, but Ms. Keyes is one of those rare artists truly comfortable in her own skin.  And because of that, she’s got nothing to prove.

Maybe that’s why she keeps coming out with masterpieces such as ‘Empire State of Mind’ – which I consider on par with not only previous hits such as “No One” and “Fallin’ ” but should be part of the cannon of classics honoring New York City like Sinatra’s ‘New York, New York” and Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind.” It really is that good. Plus, she’s one of the few artists my baby girls’ and I agree on who rock.

3. “Furnace Room Lullaby,” Neko Case.

Hands down, Neko Case is the most powerful, sonorous vocalist you’ve probably never heard of.  Change that immediately.  Some want to label her as part of the singer/songwriter genre, others alt-country…but forget all that garbage. Like most women worth knowing and wooing, she’s beyond definition, so stop trying to box her in and enjoy the ride. Yeah.

2. “Hell,” (Tegan and Sara)

The best thing to come out of Canada since, well…anything.  For those thinking of Mike Myers and Michael J. Fox, go home to your Back to the Future sheet-covered beds and get a life.

1. “1901,” (Phoenix)

It kills me a bit to put this one on there.  Not just because this song is featured – I think – in a car commercial, although that’s a big part of it.  Many bands took 2009 as an opportunity to time travel back to the 80s, to the best and worst of what the synthesizer-laden pop rock era had to offer. Jesus, if Lady Gaga isn’t the regurgitation of Missing Person’s Dale Bozzio, I don’t know what is.  I personally don’t consider this to be an era of music worth emulating all that much, but if you’re going to do it, then capture the essence of what its pop scene was offering….flashy synthesizer work, a decent bass groove, and an undeniable hook. And that’s really about it.

So while Phoenix’s #1 single here isn’t necessarily the deepest or most soul-stirring selection I could have chosen, I think it’s the absolute, goddamn best of what everyone else was musically trying to do in 2009.  And for those of you who want a touch more analysis here, let’s just hope the fascination with electronic keyboards-inspired escapism and Wall Street ‘greed is good’ ethos of the 1980s which infestated 2009 will be dumped in the rest of the ditch that was this year for so many.

The Envelope Please…And the Winner is…

Relationships  Relationships  Relationships

Yep, it’s me…I won! I really can’t believe it – especially since many, many of the nominated sites (at least in other categories) were a bunch of Jesus-lovin, coupon clippin’, SAHM (stay-at-home-moms)…and while there’s nothing wrong with any three of those categories, experience has taught me that most of them are not so in love with my Jewish-Buddhist, Christmas-celebrating, porn-loving self.  I know, I don’t get it either 😉

Anyhoo…the best part about this is that I get a $250 gift card. I’m thinking a gym membership or new fluffy bedding.   Like I need to lay around anymore than I do, yeah I heard that. 

I probably should use it to upgrade this site like I’ve been wanting to do, right?

I want to thank you all for taking time out of your day to vote for Mix Tape Therapy.  I know Divine Caroline made you all register on their site in order to vote – and for some of you, that’s a persnickey thing because of your desire for privacy. I get it.   So, thanks 🙂

Okay, I’ll shut up now…

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Top Ten Facebook Annoyances

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I’m addicted to Facebook.  I check in too many times a day, and use it way too often as an alternate form of communication with just about…well…everyone. It’s also a lifesaver for people like me who hate the phone. 

That said, for those of us who troll Facebook more than we should, it’s natural for there to be a growing list of annoyances which result from frequenting a virtual establishment more than any place in reality.

So, without further adieu, here we go…

10.  People Who Don’t Get the Real Purpose of the Facebook Status

Listen up, dipshits. The point of the Facebook status is NOT to tell us that you’re waiting in line at the dry cleaners or to give us your New Agey one liner pep talks.  Do I really need to hear one more time that “today is precious – that’s why it’s called the ‘present’?”

Please. 

Facebook status updates are either to entertain people with a little funny – or to vent your frustrations (frankly, also meant to entertain).  Occasionally, you can send a shout out about an important event in your life – both good or bad – in order to save yourself the trouble of having to call a million people.  I don’t recommend, however, you break up with a person via Facebook status.  While highly entertaining, it’s still a shitty thing to do, which leads me to my next annoyance…

9. People Using Their Relationship Status to Signal to Their Significant Others There’s Trouble in Paradise.

I can’t believe I even have to say this, but don’t – I repeat – DON’T use your FB relationship status to let your baby know you’re pissed with them.  I have actually heard from friends of mine, telling me they thought everything was fine between them and their girlfriend or boyfriend only to see their status change from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated.” Can you be anymore high school than that? You’ve got a problem with your man, work it out at home and IN PERSON.  I have even heard of one married couple who were going through some problems, only to have the wife change her status from “married” to “single” before letting her husband know it was over. That’s just beyond tacky. You don’t have the nerve to break up with the person IN PERSON, then at least do it one-on-one over the phone and not through the Facebook community.  Made me feel like the kid at the dinner table watching their parents fight and not being allowed to leave.

8. Conversely, It’s Annoying When One Partner is Way Into Facebook and the Other is, Well, Really Not…

I usually don’t care that my man isn’t into Facebook. Frankly, his disinterest perfected aligns with his personality, so no biggie.  That said, I don’t know…I guess deep down I’m a fucking twelve-year-old girl because I’d like my man to write the occasional lovey message on my wall…it’s like getting a big, bad and beautiful gawdy bouquet of flowers sent to your work on Valentine’s Day. It makes you feel loved and you get to show off to the other gals how lovingly awesome your man really is.  I know, I’m pathetic, but there it is.

7. People Believing that By Simply Joining a Facebook Group, They’re Going to Cure All the World’s Ills.

I really hate being asked to join any of these groups, but I will occasionally do it if:

(1) I know the person sending me the join link is really involved in the cause outside of FB, and it’s my way of showing him or her support and

(2) it’s a cause I really believe in and one I put skin in the game outside my computer.

So for those of you who send me the link or app to cure cancer or save the friggin’ whales who have nothing to do with such causes, stop it.  It’s really annoying. And even worse, that silly FB group eschews any real progress made on that cause’s behalf.  Do your cause – and your FB friends – a big fucking favor and instead of spending your valuable time sending links for “Save Darfur” or “Stop Chopping Trees in the Amazon” take a measely $10 or $20 and donate them directly through the organization’s websites (NOT through Facebook). And shut the fuck up.

6. Stop Alerting Me Everytime Your Cow Takes a Dump on ‘Farmville’ or Your Virtual Vampire Bites Into Something.

For those of you who are lucky enough to be unaware of this, on Facebook there are applications which let you play a variety of games online.  Some let you lead virtual lives on a farm, or running a restaurant, or become a wiseguy in your own lil’ ‘Mafia Wars’ (one of my former favorites).  I too was once caught up in the fever of earning points for extra jobs and sending out notices on my news feed for help.  Then, one day, I realized I had a life. A pretty good one, actually.  And I walked away, cold turkey. Haven’t missed it since.

Now, I don’t expect for you all to stop doing something which gives you pleasure.  But do I really need to know everytime you move up another level or buy yourself a new virtual weapon? No, I don’t think so. Moreover, I know that those apps give you the OPTION of publishing that kind of info or not. Choose not to, ok?  It’s fine if you need the occasional help on a job…but otherwise stop with the FB bragging. You’re dirtying up my news feed and boring us to tears.  Seriously.

5. People Who Only Show Pictures of Their Kids (and Never Themselves) on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to look at pictures of lil’ Ashley and Madison. Sure, why not? But some of you ONLY show me your kids. Don’t you realize the whole point of Facebook is to avoid having to go to the school reunions and see how people turned out?  So what if you’ve gained some weight since school. Guess what, so have I pumpkin.  And while I’m not sporting a bikini online anytime soon, I’ll still show off my chub mug for you all to see and judge. Big deal. We’re older. Some of us need to lose a few pounds or need a little face work done.  Show yourselves and be proud!

Hey, there’s always Photoshop if you really have THAT many issues.

4. Hey Scumbags, Stop Hitting on Me and/or Our Spouses via Facebook.

If I had a dollar everytime either an ex-boyfriend or an old college “friend” started in with me via Facebook, I could take you all out to dinner.  A nice dinner.  Listen, I get that we all have those in our past that we wish we could’ve had – or there are the ones who got away. Hey, we’re all human, right? But there’s a fine line between catching up and seeing how you’re doing to trying to look under someone’s hood and ask  in Joey Tribbiani-style “howa YOU doin’?” You know the difference, so don’t act as if you don’t.  Light flirting is fine…wanting to start sexting and asking how my marriage is doing is not.

3. Facebook is a Social Networking Site – Not a Replacement for a Photo Album.

Throwing on a few pictures from last Thanksgiving is fine.  Uploading more than 100 photos from your Family Grand Canyon trip is just excessive.  No one’s gonna look through all that crap, so cut it out.

2. Speaking of Photos, Stop Tagging  Me with Pixs From My My Embarassing Youth.

It’s just not nice to scan and tag those curled yellowed photos of me with feathered back hair and pre-nose job.  It’s not good form to show the world what I looked like with metallic blue eye liner on. Stop with the tagging!!! Please!!

1. Hanging Out on Facebook May Be Kinda Lame, But it Sure-as-Hell Beats The Geek Squad Who Squat Over at World of Warcraft.

A Mix & Bitch Account of The American Music Awards

 

I’m not a fan of award shows for their designated purpose per se, of giving the entertainment industry a ‘pat on the back’ for every semi-creative hiccup that comes out of their mouths.  But they’re great if you need to expunge the snarky within.  Because they’re so over-the-top these days, the opportunity to let out the inner bitchy critic is just too easy to resist.  So without further adieu, here I go…

I’m a fan of Kate Hudson. I think she channels the adorable and quirky just as good as her mama, Goldie Hawn ever did.  And I really do get that she’s a thin girl with little on top.  But man o man, take a look at this shot from the AMAs…

I mean – MY GOD – there’s nothing there!  Not even two little training bra bumps. Jesus, Kate…eat some sandwiches with extra mayo and grow a pair.  We’ve seen you with them before.  Remember when?

Ok, granted… you were pregnant in this picture.  But sans the baby bump, you probably had an extra fifteen to twenty pounds on ya.  Get what kitten…they look good on you.

Speaking of growing a pair, seems now that Adam Lambert’s out of the American Idol box, he wants to get his freak on, like, ten fold…

Here, he’s alerting the crowd that, yes, he does have a penis.

And here, he’s making sure we’re all painfully aware of what he likes done to his penis.

And that he doesn’t want any girl cooties near his magic mike…

“Eew! Don’t touch it! It’ll shrinky-dink back to its original size!”

Ahh….that’s better….

Boy meets boy….boy mauls boy. A classic love story.

Speaking of bro-mances…look who 50 cent brought to the AMAs as his date…

Wow, it’s the former hottie – now puffy -Val Kilmer.  It breaks my heart to see how badly he’s aged….

Anyway, a lot of boy love at the AMA’s this year, which is – ya know – fine.  But leave it to Rhianna to remind us what a woman looks like…

Mind you, a bullet-touting, S & M bondage loving, hospital tape-wearing woman. Takes a lot of something to have the balls to wear this…which incidentally makes Rhianna the one sporting the biggest dick at the AMAs this year.

Take that Chris Brown, 50 cent, Lambert and your Merry Men…

10 Worst Celebrity Baby Names of 2009

 

Celebrities get away with some pretty stupid shit, but I guess if I was surrounded by a bunch of ‘yes’ men sycophants, I may also live in a permanent state of delusion as well.  While yes, this blog usually sticks with reader questions and music info, once a year I like to poke a stick at celebrity hubris and bring out the 10 Worst Celebrity Names of that year.  As I was reviewing the candidates (and yes, there are way too many) I came across some I must have missed in years passed.  So perhaps this post should be titled “Worst Celebrity Baby Names of All Times.”  So here we go…

10.  Zuma Nesta Rock    (child of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)

I guess copyright law prevented them from using their first choice, Zima. 

Lousy drink, even crappier first name.

9.  Audio Science (child of Shannyn Sossamon)

Ladies and gentleman, welcome the future president of your high school’s A/V Club.  With a name like Audio Science,  you’ve bound this kid to a level of geekdom unparalleled.  The only reason why the other little boys are gonna come over your house is to snatch a peek at your mom nude sunbathing by the pool.  Or to catch lost episodes Star Trek.  Sorry, A.

8.  Moxie CrimeFighter (child of Penn Jillette)

It’s a good thing Lil’ Miss Jilette loves fantasyland, magical stuff because with a name like Moxie Crimefighter and a dad like Penn Jillete, this kid’s gonna be living in her own version of Alice in Wonderful for a long, long time.  Takes a lot of moxie (Yiddish for slang for nerve or guts) to name your kid Moxie.  Dressed like Ms. Fairytale Princess here (ok, it was for a party, but you get the idea) you know the other kids are gonna want to beat the shit out of her everyday to test how much moxie Moxie’s got.  Hope Dad taught ya the disappearing act too buttercup.

7.  Bogart Che Peyote (Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)

David "Puck" Rainey disrupts the show at MTV's Real World Awards Bash at the Sunset Plaza House on March 15, 2008 in Los Angeles, California.

I know, I know. He was a tool on MTV’s “Real World: San Francisco,” so we can’t be too surprised that he named his kid Bogart Che Peyote.  Puck must have written down all his favorite things onto lil’ bits o paper, stuck ’em in a bowl, and this is what he pulled out.  Guess what punk…we get that you’re on drugs, that you like drugs, but did you have to name your own kid after a drug?  I can only assume the Bogart is for famed actor, Humphrey Bogart (this is the point where all you under 30 will Wikipedia “Who is Humphrey Bogart?), and Che for Che Guevara.  Dude, I know you San Franciscans luv your Che Guevara T-shirts, but that doesn’t make you any kind of revolutionary. Especially when you do commercials for sports drinks.

6. Tie between Sage Moonblood and Seargeoh  (children of Sylvester Stallone)

 

Man, you can tell Sly was hit in the head a lot cuz those names are WHACK.  Sage Moonblood sounds like the name of a middle-aged, bra-less hippie living in a New Agey lesbo commune in Marin County and the other one, I…um…I don’t even know how to pronounce it.  I think the third one’s named Grace or Rose, or something innocuous from the Depression Era.  Jesus Christ though…these girls have to deal with their dad being Rocky, why would you add more to the therapy bill and give them such names. Why? WHY?

5.  Hud (child of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)

(L-R) Elaine Irwin Mellencamp and John Mellencamp attend the New York screening of Kate Hudson's Glamour Reel Moments short film "Cutlass" hosted by Glamour at the Drawing Room in the Greenwich Hotel on May 3, 2009 in New York City.  (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Elaine Irwin Mellencamp;John Mellencamp

 

You know what else is named Hud? The Department of Housing and Urban Development.  Stupid, stupid.

 

4.  Spec Wildhorse (another unfortunate child of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)

Which one’s Hud and which one’s SPEC WILDHORSE?  Who gives a crap, both names bite the weeny.  The latter’s even worse because it sounds like one of those faux Indian names made popular in the Nineties.  In Indian tradition, it was commonplace to name the child after an event occurring during the baby’s birth.  Hmm…maybe their kid was born and they looked at the first thing in the baby’s room (gift of a stuffed speckled horse, for example) and BAM that’s what they named their kid after!  How about naming him something like “Nurse on a Cigarette Break” or “Dad in a Huff about Not Having a Hit Single in 20 Years.” Would make more sense.

3.  Pirate (child of Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven)

Honestly, if your dad’s the lead singer of Korn and your mom’s a porn star, having the name Pirate is the least of your troubles there buddy.  Don’t worry, I’ve got Child Protective Services on speed dial for ya 😉 

Considering mom’s profession, that must have been the easiest path down the vaginal birth canal, like, ever.

2. Sparrow  (child of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden)

I guess Sparrow is as dumb of a bird name as they come.  Hey, at least your parents didn’t name you “Swallow.”  Good thinkin, folks.

1. Tu Simone Ayer  (child of Rob Morrow)

On the surface, this is not necessarily a stupid name.  Until you realize it’s the daughter of Northern Exposure and NUMBERS actor Rob Morrow.  So the kid’s name?  Tu Morrow. Oh just shoot me now.