Category Archives: Pop Goes the Weasels (Pop Cultural References and Rants)

10 Worst Celebrity Baby Names of 2010 (and Some from 2009 too)

 

Yeah, yeah…I know I usually do these type of lists at the end of the year, but truth is kittens, mama missed doing the Top Ten Worst Celebrity Baby Names last year, and there are some real doozeys already for 2010.  So let’s get started, shall we?

10.  Mars Merkaba (child of Erykah Badu  and Jay Electronica)

Neo soul/R&B artist Erykah Badu has always been an original creation of her own making.  A little wackadoo, but worth the trouble nonetheless.  And I loved when she named her first son, Seven, because – as she said – “Seven as a number and a force cannot be divided.”  How fuckin’ cool is that?

But I take issue with naming your baby Mars, after the Red Planet.  Maybe the name stands for something else, but to this white Jewish matzoh cracker, it just looks random and stupid.  ‘Nuff said.

9. Kaydnz Koda (child of  T Pain)

Y’all know I do not really keep up with rap artists, and this includes T Pain. But I do know the African-American community likes names with a  (how do you say it…)  um…unique sound. 

Kedisha

Tameeka

Uniqua (that one’s from The Backyardigans, doncha know)

You get the idea.  So you tell me this…is the latest trend amongst the rap artist community to adopt names with more consonants than a Polish province?  This name’s just a hot mess, and it goes perfectly with his daddy’s mouth grill. Yeah, I said it.

8. Ikhyd Edgar Arular (child of M.I.A)

Okay, I stand corrected. Maybe it’s not just African-American rappers who are all consonant-crazy cuz M.I.A. hit her son up with a mouthful as well. She showed me there boy.

7. Sparrow James Midnight (child of Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden)

Well thank GOD for Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden because without them coming up with the pussy of a choice name – Sparrow – for their son, then I would’ve thought all the crazy was relegated to the rappers.

I adored the name they picked for their daughter (Harlow) – so much so, I wished I would’ve thought of it.  But naming your boy Sparrow is just asking for an ass whoopin’.  Although I guess it’s better than naming him(gulp) Swallow, but who am I kidding? Either choice makes him sound like a gay pirate.

6. Atlas Heche Tupper  (child of Anne Heche James Tupper)

Ok, speaking of wackadoo celebrities, few have anything over Anne Heche.  Jesus, she’s a whole carton of crazy town, so I should probably thank her for only naming her kid after a book of maps and not after one of her hallucinatory characters she ‘heard’ when she snapped and went off the grid after Ellen dumped her sorry ass way back when. So Atlas, consider yourself…um….lucky?

P.S.  I can’t WAIT ’til that kid grows up and writes the tell-all about growing up in that household.

5. Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver – Jools and Jamie Oliver

I like Jamie Oliver. I really do.  I think what he’s trying to do for our kids, by making school lunches healthier, is admirable and desperately needed.

But the name of his latest creation reads like something you make up while tripping on Ecstasy at a bad 1990s rave revival. It just sucks weinis.

I’m sure Petal Blossom Rainbow will end up in some crunchy granola West London preschool co-op with other unfortunately labeled celeb spawns like Apple and Moses Martin, or some other self-important Brit.

4. Bandit Lee (child of Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance)

I’m sure Gerald Way and his pretty baby mama are too young to catch this cultural reference, but sorry…everytime I hear the name ‘Bandit’, I can’t help but think of that Baaaad 70s movie, ‘Smokey and the Bandit.’

Which makes me think of Burt Reynolds.

Which then makes me think of Burt Reynolds in ‘Boogie Nights’.

When always make me think of porn. Bad 70s porn.

Which mean when I hear of Bandit Lee Way, I think this child was born to act in porn. And I can’t imagine any parent wants people to relate their offspring to anything porno-related. 

Oh and the band, My Chemical Romance, is worse than 70s porn… and won’t last as long.

3. Dexter Lloyd (child of Charlotte Church)

When did Chalotte Church grow up, btw? Last I saw her, she was this precocious child star with this amazing operatic voice.  Now she’s popping out babies!

And in classic British fashion, she has given her child a name guaranteed to prevent him from getting laid for a long, long time.  Good job there Char…oh and don’t forget to forgo all basic dental care…another British classic worthy of repetition.

2. Bob (child of Charlie Sheen)

Let’s see if I can stop laughing long enough to write about this gem.

Jesus, what’s NOT wrong with Charlie Sheen? Well, the fact that he named one of his twins the most boring name, like, EVER, is a start.  OR maybe we should blame the baby mama for not only allowing Charlie to name a child he’ll never be around long enough to raise, but for believing the age old lie every woman has told herself at least once,  “He’ll be different with ME this time. I can change him.”

We never learn.

Anyway, for all my bitchin’ about the strange tongue twisting names many celebrities come up with, at least they’re not boring like Bob. There’s just no excuse for such right-brain laziness in Tinseltown.

1. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa (child of actress Lisa Bonet and actor Jason Momoa)

I swear, I didn’t make up this name just so I could end on a high note.  Just let me know who should call Child Protective Services first, you or me, because this name is just pure, unadulterated abuse.

I didn’t think it could get worse than the last time I wrote this list, but shut my mouth.  I’ve been proven wrong again.

Just Say No to Drugs?

So I just heard that Jen McCarthy and Jim Carrey have broken up after five years.  And while I am certainly bummed that these two couldn’t work it out, it’s the reason why they broke up which I find more upsetting than anything else. 

Supposedly, Carrey is having another serious bout of depression, disappearing for days at a time, or holing himself up at his home, and not taking any calls.  Additionally, he is refusing to take any meds, despite of having a lifelong history of depression.  He has taken Prozac for short durations, but refused to be on any anti-depressant long-term,  as stated in a Larry King interview in 2008:

KING: Didn’t you suffer from depression?
CARREY: Yes, yes. I’m on a manic high right now. Can’t you tell?
KING: How did you get through that to this?
CARREY: Well, that’s another thing. You know at the risk of like opening up the whole Tom Cruise Prozac argument, you know, I don’t disagree in many ways. I think Prozac and things like that are very valuable to people for short periods of time. But I believe if you’re on them for an extended period of time, you never get to the problem. You never get to see what the problem is, because everything is just kind of OK. And so, you don’t deal. And people deal when they get desperate.
KING: So how did you do it?
CARREY: I take supplements.
KING: Vitamins?
CARREY: Yes — well, it’s not — well, it is vitamins. But it’s also certain elements of the brain like Tyrosine and hydroxytryptophan that they’re treating depression with now. It is a natural substance that’s in your brain. Instead of being a Serotonin inhibitor, which just uses the serotonin you have and Prozac and things like that — it just uses the Serotonin you have and it doesn’t allow it go back into the receptor. It metabolizes your serotonin after a while and you have to keep taking more and more to feel good. This actually creates dopamine and creates serotonin. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s amazing. I’m going to talk a lot about it in the near future.
KING: You’re going to write about it?
CARREY: Yes.

I don’t know, is it me or am I the only one who’s really getting tired of actors pretending to have medical degrees?  There’s nothing wrong with becoming an educated patient, and I believe each of us must be our own best advocate, and not solely reliant on a hierarchically organized, paternalistic medical model.  That said….um DUDE…you suffer from depression, a scientifically studied, neurologically oriented mental health disorder.  And a couple of chewable Flintstones ain’t gonna cut it. 

I also know some are going to blame his former girl Jen for his anti-drug stance, because most people believe she’s anti-vaccine when in actuality, she does believe in vaccines – just on a more delayed schedule and without unnecessary additives.  That said, she’s another one who comes off as a medical expert on the talk show circuit, and the last time I checked, you don’t get an MD from having hosted MTV. I’m just saying…

Usually, I take things that celebrities say about as seriously as I take the babblings of a toddler, but in this case, I take issue with what’s going on here.  I don’t think he doesn’t take his meds because he wants to deal with the root cause of his problems, I think Jim Carrey doesn’t take his meds because he’s uncomfortable with the stigma attached to mental illness.  Because by taking his meds – and taking them for the long-term – that means he has to put himself into the category of people who are chronically mentally ill…and I guess while it’s ok to wear your girlfriend’s thong bathing suit in front of the paparazzi, it’s not ok to have to take ‘crazy pills’ for the rest of your life.

I guess I’m taking this personally because I used to be Jim Carrey.  I too have suffered from depression on and off throughout my life, and for thirty-plus years refused to take any meds (something I wrote about here).  I get how difficult it is to accept that depression is the shadow which will haunt the corners of your house for the rest of your life.  I understand how terrifying it is to think that others think you ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’.  I also understand that when you’re in the midst of your disorder, your normative, cognitive rationale will fail you, and while you think you’re handling your disorder just fine – without therapy, without medication – everyone around you bites their lip while watching you flaying in the ocean of your own despair.

After thirty-odd years of being so staunchly against antidepressants, you know what finally turned me around to at least giving them a try?  It was a fifteen-year-old girl. 

I was at my cousin’s bar mitzvah, and his older sister – who is beautiful and charming, smart and funny – stood in front a synagogue audience of about 500 people and talked about not only how much she loved her little brother, but how she envied him his social ease and his laissez fare attitude.  She talked about her need to take anti-depressant and anti anxiety meds, and how she wished it all came as easily for her as it did for him.  Fifteen years old. 

And I sat there in awe of her as she joked about her struggles in front of family and strangers alike.  And if it was even possible, I loved her more…which made me realize how ridiculous I had been all these years, fearing that others would judge me.  Because I certainly didn’t judge her.  In the end, by releasing my own need for control, I regain a part of myself that would have otherwise alluded me…the part that feels joy and gratitude, even in the middle of the chaos…the part that is able to distinguish real problems from distractions….the part of me others feel at ease around.

I wish that for Jim Carrey. I wish that for us all.

Why Patti Stanger Will Save Us All

Ok, so maybe “save” is too strong a word, but I’m not far off and here’s why:  somehow, this loud-mouthed, to-the-point, brutally honest Jewish broad is bringing back the lost art of courtship.  The ‘rules’ she lays down for all her Club members are frankly good guidelines for the rest of us.

Now, if you’re single and just looking to get laid and not into meaningful relationships, then by all means, have sex without a commitment, get drunk on the first date, and judge someone based on their looks.  That’ll get old real fast in my opinion, but to each his or her own.

And for those of you who will write in and say, “But I met my husband at a bar and we went home together on the first night,” I respond by saying you are the exception and not the rule…and, um, how many other guys did you take home (or how many women did you hubby ride) until you two found each other? That’s a lot of cases of crab meds to buy just to land the brass ring, so to speak.

What are Patti’s Golden Rules? Here are just a sample:

1) Keep alcohol intake to two drinks during a date.

Good call, Patti Cakes.  Alcohol can seriously impair your judgement and can make almost anyone seem like a tasty treat if you have too many.  Besides, I know I personally lose my charm after two drinks, so I can’t imagine that others keep all their faculties together when they’re sloshed. 

2) No sex without monogamy!

Now I don’t believe in that bullshit “why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free,” and I actually think people should see if their sexually compatible before walking down the aisle.  That said, why get naked with someone when there’s a strong chance they’re swapping fluids with others?  Would you chew gum you found under a random subway seat? I didn’t think so… if I am going to wrap my mouth around anything upstairs or downstairs, or bring your train into my station, then you better BA-LIEVE I’m going to make sure you’re not picking up other skank passengers along the way. I’m a first-class ride, and I don’t share very well.  You shouldn’t want to either.

Another point on this subject:  having sex with someone too soon can cloud your judgement, just like a table full of shots can.  You can have strong sexual compatibility with someone, but they may not be right for you in the fully clothed, upright position. One of my best friends – who happened to be a recently separated dad who actually believes in having sex on the first date “to get it out of the way” he says – used to get all wrapped up in the sex and the endorphin rush and miss some pretty important cues about a woman’s character in the process.  Then he wonders why he was ‘duped’ by a tramp later on.  Hmm…I wonder.

Keep the mood altering substances – alcohol, drugs, hormones – on a low simmer until you have a chance to see what s/he is made of…no one’s ever lost out by waiting to see what unfolds.

3.  Be a Gentleman – Hold the Door Open, Bring Her Flowers, and Treat Her Like a Lady.

Chivalry should have never been put on life support, and it’s far from dead.  So don’t act as if it is.  I have never met a woman (a woman who likes men at least) who didn’t give a guy extra points in her head when he pulled out her chair for her at dinner or rushed to open her car door.

Now I’ve heard from a LOT of high school, college students, and even some in their 20s,  who tell me no one really dates anymore – that people just ‘hang out’ and ‘hook up’.  Look, I remember college life and of course there were plenty of times me and a future boyfriend just hung out with a bunch of other people at a party or at the dorm.  But I rarely got naked with someone until we had some one-on-one time together and he had made some sort of effort.  I know MANY younger people are kinda broke all the time, and a date doesn’t have to be the standard dinner and a movie.  There was one guy I dated who made us some sandwiches, got a bottle of wine, and had us hang on the beach at sunset.  Total cost of date? $20.  My point is, it doesn’t have to be expensive in order to be magnificent.

There are things about Patti and her Club that I think suck ass.  For example, I think the whole premise of a Millionaire Matchmaker Club is bogus, and even though she has that rule about ‘no gold-diggers’ who are we kidding?  These women may not be asking for Suga-Daddy to pay their rent now, but their banking on them offering the Good Life later once they land themselves a ring.  Do I think these matches are real? I can’t judge…I just wonder how interested these Hooters waitresses would’ve been in Rich Chubby Boy or in the Braggasaurus if they made a ‘mere’ $100K instead of $10 million.

Also, while I think Patti is usually on point when she offers her critique on the women who audition for her Club, godDAMN I wish she was kinder in her delivery.  Yeah the tramp with the tiger tail hair and the hoochi-mama skirt looks like trailer trash, but there’s a way to talk to people without being cruel.  What would’ve I said to her? “Your choice of hair color and outfit gives off te wrong impression.  Perhaps wearing something sexy but more sophisticated would should you off to your best advantage.” 

Other than that, I love Patti and her show.  And I do have a soft spot for ballsy women from my tribe 🙂  So there.

Dangerous Minds

So I’m sure that unless you’ve been living under a rock – a really BIG rock – you’ve no doubt heard about the latest infidelity debacle Sandra Bullock is currently enduring.  I’ve read a slew of crap pieces (I know, my bad) ranging from the typical, venemous ‘how could he do this to HER???’ to an idiotic, correlation between winning an Oscar for best actress to being hit with spousal infidelity…with the not-so-subtle message stating ‘be careful not to get TOO successful Ladies…otherwise your man’s gonna use his pecker to excavate his lost man pride’.

Please.

On a more personal note, I now know seven couples…yes, SEVEN couples….in various stages of deep marital strife or divorce.  Two of those due to serial infidelity.  My side of the family is also no stranger to this ‘phenomenon’ – and due to this, I’ve delineated what I think are the basic two reasons why people cheat while in seemingly content marriages:

(1) Duh, they’re actually not so happy after all, and are looking for a endorfin-drip-laden escape or

(2) Because they thought they could.

I want to discuss the latter, admittedly over-simplified reason above. 

I have absolutely no doubt that Tiger and Jesse and others I’ve known are deeply in love with their spouses.  I also believe they thought they were special or clever enough to get away with it.  There’s an old expression: “To cheat is French, to get caught is American.”  Apparently true.

And while I cannot condone infidelity, I think it’s safe to say I understand the urge.  That’s human.  I am also deeply in love with my husband and treasure the life we’ve built with our two kids.  But that hasn’t stopped me from fantasizing about the allure of tasting something different.  Jesus, even Jimmy Carter admitted to being adulterous in his thoughts back in the 70s – and THAT was considered a big scandal at the time.  Let’s now LOL over THAT one, people.

Because there is always going to be someone you didn’t get to have….or something your spouse won’t do that maybe the tattoo-laden hussy is more than happy to give you.  You’ve been there. I’ve been there. I’m sure Mr. Mix rides that wave as well (although I must admit I can’t think of something I wouldn’t do with him, but whatev).  In fact, thanks to the latest hookup bar otherwise known as Facebook, Mr. Mix has been hounded by an ex of his – wanting to ‘get together’ a little too often. Sigh.

And the truth is, maybe if I had frequent absences from my spouse – coupled with living in a world full of celebrity self-entitlement, maybe I or Mr. Mix would find ourselves entangled in a similar mess.  Does that reflect bad character? Probably…but I think Chris Rock has a point when he says we are only as faithful as our options. 

So, what’s the answer? Well, after thirteen years of marriage, I’ve delineated once again the options down to three:

(1) You and your spouse are gonna ride your own ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’ and have one of those open, 70s-disco-coke-inspired marriages where almost everything goes.  Good luck with that.

(2) You’re gonna sneak around and get caught. No really, you will.  And uh no, you’re not that smart.

(3) You decide that you’re not really into seeing your spouse ride someone else in front of you, and you’re not quite alternative enough for one of those polyamorous arrangements, so you choose monogamy.  And if you do choose this option, you surround yourself with others who have made the same choice – for better or for worse – in order to curb your out-of-marital-bond enthusiasm. So to speak.

In other words, you follow Chris Rock’s advice and YOU limit your options.  Figure out what your own triggers are – and then don’t go there.  Sex can be the same thing as drugs and alcohol…they become a problem when the consequences start to seriously mess with your life.  And I don’t say this as some Buddha-on-the-mountain…in the past, I have come dangerously close to blowing it with Mr. Mix over my ego-driven flirtations.  Why? Not because I’m a celebrity or some testoserone-infected lothario.

Because I thought I could. 

Does that make me an asshole? Yep. Does that make me human? Right again. 

I guess what I’m saying is, I unfortunately get what Tiger and Jesse and other like them were thinking.  I guess the difference is, I didn’t actually do it.  The question is, did I not do it because of my character or my options? I don’t have an answer for that, and the whole point of this piece is to say I’m not going to test myself trying to find that out either.  It’s not worth it.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Must-See Site: Texts from Last Night

I’ve gotta be honest: most blogs bore me to tears (sometimes including my own).  So when I come across a site which has me glued to the screen and laughing out loud, it’s a must-share.

Texts from Last Night is a compilation blog of the most hysterical, piss-in-your-good-panties, text messages.  After reading through this site, the first thing I thought was “My life’s a dull, dull bird.” But that’s okay.  I’ll vicariously live the drama instead.  I’ll itch less that way 😉

Take a lookie:

Best Nights of All Time

  • (413):
  • Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

 

Your Life in Six Words

 
 
 
Book Cover of 'Six-Word Memoirs'

From Ms. Mix & Bitch:  If I never looked in the mirror again, I’d have proof I’m getting older because I like to listen to NPR.  Not that NPR’s for “old people,” but if you prefer talk radio to rock-n-roll while you drive, you’re definitely not hanging with the hipsters anymore.  

I’m actually o.k. with that (considering I listen to my iPod fairly often and I do, duh, run a quasi-music site).  I love NPR because there are stories here you can’t get anywhere else. I’m a big fan of the alternative press because I think they’re the few still looking out for the soul of journalism.  The rest of it is a corporate press release and not much more. 

Anyway, I’m getting off topic here….bloggers do this ALL the time… 

In fact, we tend to rattle on and on at length quite often, a by-product of being reared in a narcissistically oriented culture I suppose.  I am guilty of this. That said, I am still fascinated by those who use the brevity happy formats of Twitter, the Facebook status, and now what you’ll read below – the Six Word Memoir – to express themselves.  I thought you’d get a kick out of the examples below.  As for me, I admire the laconic – those who pack a  punch with seemingly little.  Perhaps I’ve lived with Mr. Mix for too long, but I now consider such skills definite proof of higher intelligence. 

Here’s mine, not that you asked:  Woman with revolutionary heart, haphazardly contained. 

More Six-Word Memoirs:

text sizeAAA

February 3, 2010

Once asked to write a full story in six words, legend has it that novelist Ernest Hemingway responded: “For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.”In this spirit, Smith Magazine invited writers “famous and obscure” to distill their own life stories into exactly six words. It All Changed in an Instant is the fourth collection of very, very brief life stories from Smith. The tiny memoirs are sometimes sad, often funny — and always concise.  

It All Changed in an Instant is full of well-known names — from activist Gloria Steinem (“Life is one big editorial meeting”), to author Frank McCourt (“The miserable childhood leads to royalties”), to actress Molly Ringwald (“Acting is not all I am”).  

Larry Smith, founding editor of Smith, and Rachel Fershleiser, Smith‘s memoir editor, talk to NPR’s Rebecca Roberts about the fun and the challenge of capturing real-life stories in six little words.  

Smith’s six-word memoir? “Now I obsessively count the words.” And Fershleiser’s: “Bookstore to book tour in seconds.”  

Can you write your autobiography in one sentence? Share your six-word memoir.  


  

More six-word memoirs from It All Changed in an Instant:

 

Found on Craigslist: table, apartment, fiance.
Becki Lee  

Alzheimer’s: meeting new people every day.
Phil Skversky  

Met wife at her bachelorette party.
Eddie Matz  

Family portrait: everyone smiles but me.
Ian Baaske  

Hotel sex still rocks over fifty.
Marcella Oleksiuk  

I picked passion. Now I’m poor.
Kathleen E. Whitlock  

Normal person becomes psychotic on Twitter.
Robin Slick  

Yale at 16, downhill from there.
Anita Kawatra  

Overworked and underpaid,
Oversexed and underlaid.
Victoria Hansen  

After cancer, I became a semicolon.
Anthony R. Cardno  

At least I never voted Republican.
Tony Kushner  

Full circle: morgue tech becomes obstetrician.
Andrea Skorenki  

So would you believe me anyway?
James Frey  

Excerpted from It All Changed in an Instant: More Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure from Smith magazine, edited by Rachel Fershleiser and Larry Smith. Copyright 2010. Reproduced with permission of the publisher, Harper Perennial.  

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Top Ten Facebook Annoyances

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I’m addicted to Facebook.  I check in too many times a day, and use it way too often as an alternate form of communication with just about…well…everyone. It’s also a lifesaver for people like me who hate the phone. 

That said, for those of us who troll Facebook more than we should, it’s natural for there to be a growing list of annoyances which result from frequenting a virtual establishment more than any place in reality.

So, without further adieu, here we go…

10.  People Who Don’t Get the Real Purpose of the Facebook Status

Listen up, dipshits. The point of the Facebook status is NOT to tell us that you’re waiting in line at the dry cleaners or to give us your New Agey one liner pep talks.  Do I really need to hear one more time that “today is precious – that’s why it’s called the ‘present’?”

Please. 

Facebook status updates are either to entertain people with a little funny – or to vent your frustrations (frankly, also meant to entertain).  Occasionally, you can send a shout out about an important event in your life – both good or bad – in order to save yourself the trouble of having to call a million people.  I don’t recommend, however, you break up with a person via Facebook status.  While highly entertaining, it’s still a shitty thing to do, which leads me to my next annoyance…

9. People Using Their Relationship Status to Signal to Their Significant Others There’s Trouble in Paradise.

I can’t believe I even have to say this, but don’t – I repeat – DON’T use your FB relationship status to let your baby know you’re pissed with them.  I have actually heard from friends of mine, telling me they thought everything was fine between them and their girlfriend or boyfriend only to see their status change from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated.” Can you be anymore high school than that? You’ve got a problem with your man, work it out at home and IN PERSON.  I have even heard of one married couple who were going through some problems, only to have the wife change her status from “married” to “single” before letting her husband know it was over. That’s just beyond tacky. You don’t have the nerve to break up with the person IN PERSON, then at least do it one-on-one over the phone and not through the Facebook community.  Made me feel like the kid at the dinner table watching their parents fight and not being allowed to leave.

8. Conversely, It’s Annoying When One Partner is Way Into Facebook and the Other is, Well, Really Not…

I usually don’t care that my man isn’t into Facebook. Frankly, his disinterest perfected aligns with his personality, so no biggie.  That said, I don’t know…I guess deep down I’m a fucking twelve-year-old girl because I’d like my man to write the occasional lovey message on my wall…it’s like getting a big, bad and beautiful gawdy bouquet of flowers sent to your work on Valentine’s Day. It makes you feel loved and you get to show off to the other gals how lovingly awesome your man really is.  I know, I’m pathetic, but there it is.

7. People Believing that By Simply Joining a Facebook Group, They’re Going to Cure All the World’s Ills.

I really hate being asked to join any of these groups, but I will occasionally do it if:

(1) I know the person sending me the join link is really involved in the cause outside of FB, and it’s my way of showing him or her support and

(2) it’s a cause I really believe in and one I put skin in the game outside my computer.

So for those of you who send me the link or app to cure cancer or save the friggin’ whales who have nothing to do with such causes, stop it.  It’s really annoying. And even worse, that silly FB group eschews any real progress made on that cause’s behalf.  Do your cause – and your FB friends – a big fucking favor and instead of spending your valuable time sending links for “Save Darfur” or “Stop Chopping Trees in the Amazon” take a measely $10 or $20 and donate them directly through the organization’s websites (NOT through Facebook). And shut the fuck up.

6. Stop Alerting Me Everytime Your Cow Takes a Dump on ‘Farmville’ or Your Virtual Vampire Bites Into Something.

For those of you who are lucky enough to be unaware of this, on Facebook there are applications which let you play a variety of games online.  Some let you lead virtual lives on a farm, or running a restaurant, or become a wiseguy in your own lil’ ‘Mafia Wars’ (one of my former favorites).  I too was once caught up in the fever of earning points for extra jobs and sending out notices on my news feed for help.  Then, one day, I realized I had a life. A pretty good one, actually.  And I walked away, cold turkey. Haven’t missed it since.

Now, I don’t expect for you all to stop doing something which gives you pleasure.  But do I really need to know everytime you move up another level or buy yourself a new virtual weapon? No, I don’t think so. Moreover, I know that those apps give you the OPTION of publishing that kind of info or not. Choose not to, ok?  It’s fine if you need the occasional help on a job…but otherwise stop with the FB bragging. You’re dirtying up my news feed and boring us to tears.  Seriously.

5. People Who Only Show Pictures of Their Kids (and Never Themselves) on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to look at pictures of lil’ Ashley and Madison. Sure, why not? But some of you ONLY show me your kids. Don’t you realize the whole point of Facebook is to avoid having to go to the school reunions and see how people turned out?  So what if you’ve gained some weight since school. Guess what, so have I pumpkin.  And while I’m not sporting a bikini online anytime soon, I’ll still show off my chub mug for you all to see and judge. Big deal. We’re older. Some of us need to lose a few pounds or need a little face work done.  Show yourselves and be proud!

Hey, there’s always Photoshop if you really have THAT many issues.

4. Hey Scumbags, Stop Hitting on Me and/or Our Spouses via Facebook.

If I had a dollar everytime either an ex-boyfriend or an old college “friend” started in with me via Facebook, I could take you all out to dinner.  A nice dinner.  Listen, I get that we all have those in our past that we wish we could’ve had – or there are the ones who got away. Hey, we’re all human, right? But there’s a fine line between catching up and seeing how you’re doing to trying to look under someone’s hood and ask  in Joey Tribbiani-style “howa YOU doin’?” You know the difference, so don’t act as if you don’t.  Light flirting is fine…wanting to start sexting and asking how my marriage is doing is not.

3. Facebook is a Social Networking Site – Not a Replacement for a Photo Album.

Throwing on a few pictures from last Thanksgiving is fine.  Uploading more than 100 photos from your Family Grand Canyon trip is just excessive.  No one’s gonna look through all that crap, so cut it out.

2. Speaking of Photos, Stop Tagging  Me with Pixs From My My Embarassing Youth.

It’s just not nice to scan and tag those curled yellowed photos of me with feathered back hair and pre-nose job.  It’s not good form to show the world what I looked like with metallic blue eye liner on. Stop with the tagging!!! Please!!

1. Hanging Out on Facebook May Be Kinda Lame, But it Sure-as-Hell Beats The Geek Squad Who Squat Over at World of Warcraft.