Yeah, yeah…I know I usually do these type of lists at the end of the year, but truth is kittens, mama missed doing the Top Ten Worst Celebrity Baby Names last year, and there are some real doozeys already for 2010. So let’s get started, shall we?
10. Mars Merkaba (child of Erykah Badu and Jay Electronica)
Neo soul/R&B artist Erykah Badu has always been an original creation of her own making. A little wackadoo, but worth the trouble nonetheless. And I loved when she named her first son, Seven, because – as she said – “Seven as a number and a force cannot be divided.” How fuckin’ cool is that?
But I take issue with naming your baby Mars, after the Red Planet. Maybe the name stands for something else, but to this white Jewish matzoh cracker, it just looks random and stupid. ‘Nuff said.
9. Kaydnz Koda (child of T Pain)
Y’all know I do not really keep up with rap artists, and this includes T Pain. But I do know the African-American community likes names with a (how do you say it…) um…unique sound.
Uniqua (that one’s from The Backyardigans, doncha know)
You get the idea. So you tell me this…is the latest trend amongst the rap artist community to adopt names with more consonants than a Polish province? This name’s just a hot mess, and it goes perfectly with his daddy’s mouth grill. Yeah, I said it.
8. Ikhyd Edgar Arular (child of M.I.A)
Okay, I stand corrected. Maybe it’s not just African-American rappers who are all consonant-crazy cuz M.I.A. hit her son up with a mouthful as well. She showed me there boy.
7. Sparrow James Midnight (child of Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden)
Well thank GOD for Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden because without them coming up with the pussy of a choice name – Sparrow - for their son, then I would’ve thought all the crazy was relegated to the rappers.
I adored the name they picked for their daughter (Harlow) – so much so, I wished I would’ve thought of it. But naming your boy Sparrow is just asking for an ass whoopin’. Although I guess it’s better than naming him(gulp) Swallow, but who am I kidding? Either choice makes him sound like a gay pirate.
6. Atlas Heche Tupper (child of Anne Heche James Tupper)
Ok, speaking of wackadoo celebrities, few have anything over Anne Heche. Jesus, she’s a whole carton of crazy town, so I should probably thank her for only naming her kid after a book of maps and not after one of her hallucinatory characters she ‘heard’ when she snapped and went off the grid after Ellen dumped her sorry ass way back when. So Atlas, consider yourself…um….lucky?
P.S. I can’t WAIT ’til that kid grows up and writes the tell-all about growing up in that household.
5. Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver – Jools and Jamie Oliver
I like Jamie Oliver. I really do. I think what he’s trying to do for our kids, by making school lunches healthier, is admirable and desperately needed.
But the name of his latest creation reads like something you make up while tripping on Ecstasy at a bad 1990s rave revival. It just sucks weinis.
I’m sure Petal Blossom Rainbow will end up in some crunchy granola West London preschool co-op with other unfortunately labeled celeb spawns like Apple and Moses Martin, or some other self-important Brit.
4. Bandit Lee (child of Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance)
I’m sure Gerald Way and his pretty baby mama are too young to catch this cultural reference, but sorry…everytime I hear the name ‘Bandit’, I can’t help but think of that Baaaad 70s movie, ‘Smokey and the Bandit.’
Which makes me think of Burt Reynolds.
Which then makes me think of Burt Reynolds in ‘Boogie Nights’.
When always make me think of porn. Bad 70s porn.
Which mean when I hear of Bandit Lee Way, I think this child was born to act in porn. And I can’t imagine any parent wants people to relate their offspring to anything porno-related.
Oh and the band, My Chemical Romance, is worse than 70s porn… and won’t last as long.
3. Dexter Lloyd (child of Charlotte Church)
When did Chalotte Church grow up, btw? Last I saw her, she was this precocious child star with this amazing operatic voice. Now she’s popping out babies!
And in classic British fashion, she has given her child a name guaranteed to prevent him from getting laid for a long, long time. Good job there Char…oh and don’t forget to forgo all basic dental care…another British classic worthy of repetition.
2. Bob (child of Charlie Sheen)
Let’s see if I can stop laughing long enough to write about this gem.
Jesus, what’s NOT wrong with Charlie Sheen? Well, the fact that he named one of his twins the most boring name, like, EVER, is a start. OR maybe we should blame the baby mama for not only allowing Charlie to name a child he’ll never be around long enough to raise, but for believing the age old lie every woman has told herself at least once, “He’ll be different with ME this time. I can change him.”
We never learn.
Anyway, for all my bitchin’ about the strange tongue twisting names many celebrities come up with, at least they’re not boring like Bob. There’s just no excuse for such right-brain laziness in Tinseltown.
1. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa (child of actress Lisa Bonet and actor Jason Momoa)
I swear, I didn’t make up this name just so I could end on a high note. Just let me know who should call Child Protective Services first, you or me, because this name is just pure, unadulterated abuse.
I didn’t think it could get worse than the last time I wrote this list, but shut my mouth. I’ve been proven wrong again.