10 Worst Celebrity Baby Names of 2010 (and Some from 2009 too)

 

Yeah, yeah…I know I usually do these type of lists at the end of the year, but truth is kittens, mama missed doing the Top Ten Worst Celebrity Baby Names last year, and there are some real doozeys already for 2010.  So let’s get started, shall we?

10.  Mars Merkaba (child of Erykah Badu  and Jay Electronica)

Neo soul/R&B artist Erykah Badu has always been an original creation of her own making.  A little wackadoo, but worth the trouble nonetheless.  And I loved when she named her first son, Seven, because – as she said – “Seven as a number and a force cannot be divided.”  How fuckin’ cool is that?

But I take issue with naming your baby Mars, after the Red Planet.  Maybe the name stands for something else, but to this white Jewish matzoh cracker, it just looks random and stupid.  ‘Nuff said.

9. Kaydnz Koda (child of  T Pain)

Y’all know I do not really keep up with rap artists, and this includes T Pain. But I do know the African-American community likes names with a  (how do you say it…)  um…unique sound. 

Kedisha

Tameeka

Uniqua (that one’s from The Backyardigans, doncha know)

You get the idea.  So you tell me this…is the latest trend amongst the rap artist community to adopt names with more consonants than a Polish province?  This name’s just a hot mess, and it goes perfectly with his daddy’s mouth grill. Yeah, I said it.

8. Ikhyd Edgar Arular (child of M.I.A)

Okay, I stand corrected. Maybe it’s not just African-American rappers who are all consonant-crazy cuz M.I.A. hit her son up with a mouthful as well. She showed me there boy.

7. Sparrow James Midnight (child of Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden)

Well thank GOD for Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden because without them coming up with the pussy of a choice name – Sparrow - for their son, then I would’ve thought all the crazy was relegated to the rappers.

I adored the name they picked for their daughter (Harlow) – so much so, I wished I would’ve thought of it.  But naming your boy Sparrow is just asking for an ass whoopin’.  Although I guess it’s better than naming him(gulp) Swallow, but who am I kidding? Either choice makes him sound like a gay pirate.

6. Atlas Heche Tupper  (child of Anne Heche James Tupper)

Ok, speaking of wackadoo celebrities, few have anything over Anne Heche.  Jesus, she’s a whole carton of crazy town, so I should probably thank her for only naming her kid after a book of maps and not after one of her hallucinatory characters she ‘heard’ when she snapped and went off the grid after Ellen dumped her sorry ass way back when. So Atlas, consider yourself…um….lucky?

P.S.  I can’t WAIT ’til that kid grows up and writes the tell-all about growing up in that household.

5. Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver – Jools and Jamie Oliver

I like Jamie Oliver. I really do.  I think what he’s trying to do for our kids, by making school lunches healthier, is admirable and desperately needed.

But the name of his latest creation reads like something you make up while tripping on Ecstasy at a bad 1990s rave revival. It just sucks weinis.

I’m sure Petal Blossom Rainbow will end up in some crunchy granola West London preschool co-op with other unfortunately labeled celeb spawns like Apple and Moses Martin, or some other self-important Brit.

4. Bandit Lee (child of Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance)

I’m sure Gerald Way and his pretty baby mama are too young to catch this cultural reference, but sorry…everytime I hear the name ‘Bandit’, I can’t help but think of that Baaaad 70s movie, ‘Smokey and the Bandit.’

Which makes me think of Burt Reynolds.

Which then makes me think of Burt Reynolds in ‘Boogie Nights’.

When always make me think of porn. Bad 70s porn.

Which mean when I hear of Bandit Lee Way, I think this child was born to act in porn. And I can’t imagine any parent wants people to relate their offspring to anything porno-related. 

Oh and the band, My Chemical Romance, is worse than 70s porn… and won’t last as long.

3. Dexter Lloyd (child of Charlotte Church)

When did Chalotte Church grow up, btw? Last I saw her, she was this precocious child star with this amazing operatic voice.  Now she’s popping out babies!

And in classic British fashion, she has given her child a name guaranteed to prevent him from getting laid for a long, long time.  Good job there Char…oh and don’t forget to forgo all basic dental care…another British classic worthy of repetition.

2. Bob (child of Charlie Sheen)

Let’s see if I can stop laughing long enough to write about this gem.

Jesus, what’s NOT wrong with Charlie Sheen? Well, the fact that he named one of his twins the most boring name, like, EVER, is a start.  OR maybe we should blame the baby mama for not only allowing Charlie to name a child he’ll never be around long enough to raise, but for believing the age old lie every woman has told herself at least once,  “He’ll be different with ME this time. I can change him.”

We never learn.

Anyway, for all my bitchin’ about the strange tongue twisting names many celebrities come up with, at least they’re not boring like Bob. There’s just no excuse for such right-brain laziness in Tinseltown.

1. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa (child of actress Lisa Bonet and actor Jason Momoa)

I swear, I didn’t make up this name just so I could end on a high note.  Just let me know who should call Child Protective Services first, you or me, because this name is just pure, unadulterated abuse.

I didn’t think it could get worse than the last time I wrote this list, but shut my mouth.  I’ve been proven wrong again.

18 responses to “10 Worst Celebrity Baby Names of 2010 (and Some from 2009 too)

  1. #5 is my fave. That kid will be beaten to a pulp before it can walk because of that name. What a shame.

  2. Haha, my husband’s name is Bob and I can’t stop fucking laughing now! “Bob” is pretty generic — that’s why I call him “Roberto” in bed. ;)

  3. Oh Andrea, you ARE a nasty, nasty girl.

    LOVE it!

  4. I think #4 baby’s name is great. At least that baby is special with an awesome name unlike some names that everyone use who are too lazy to make one up of their own. Who cares if it makes you think of porn!!! I bet shes proud of that name cause I would if I were her!

  5. =O Bandit Lee Way is an a-word name!! i’d like that to be my name if i were to change it. btw that’s not Lyn-z and Bandit in that pic (#4) i dunno who it is but its not Lyn-z and B. Gee stated it on twitter and it doesnt look like Lyn-z and that baby is bigger than B. and MCR is still around just so you know =P who gives a damn if you think of porn.
    X_X
    so long and goodnighte

    • i agree. MCR is amazing and they will always be amazing. So what if the kids name is Bandit? It’s pretty cool. At least it’s different!

    • i AGREE lol MCR are amazing who ever wrote that “they wont last long” should stay out of what they don’t know, their supposed to be commenting on baby names…not MCR :)

    • I agree. Bandit is my name and the only reason why everyone is so bothered by Gerard’s name choice is because he is famous. Just leave the guy alone!

  6. What a load of tripe! unless these kids become famous as well, they will just live the rest of their life with a stupid name! its almost child abuse!

  7. haha very funny list

  8. Great explanation. For the name T Pain sounds strange to me

  9. Thank you Raychel for saying that. I couldn’t believe what was said about cute little Bandit Lee. It’s a great name, whoever made this list, and Gerard (NOT spelled with “l” in it thank you very much) probably doesn’t give a damn about your list and how you’re denouncing his kid’s name. Get your sick mind out of the gutter and have a great day, because My Chemical Romance is the best band ever. Thanks. “We are the kids from yesterday.” <3 MCR <3

  10. This is a horrible article. I’m sorry, but it’s only encouraging that we make fun of people’s names. It isn’t about the name it’s about the person inside and I don’t care how cliché that sounds because I believe it.

  11. A) That’s not Bandit and/or Lyn-z.
    B) Youre a bit of a weirdo if you relate her name to porn.
    C) Saying MCR won’t last long? They’ve been around since 2001, for a band of this age, that’s long.
    Also, I love how all the Killjoys (MCR fans, incase you didn’t know) all come out in force when anyone mentions anything to do with out beloved My Chem <3 they're so sassy ;P
    All we are is bullets <3

    • EXACTLY! I didn’t see your post until I posted mine. I actually like his daughter’s name! and whats up with the whole “won’t last long?” um is 10 years not long? lol GEEEE these people these days make me sad haha <3 I love My chem forever!

  12. As for Gerard Way’s child, Bandit Lee… I personally like this name. That’s fine and whatnot if you all don’t but then to say that the band is bad and own’t last long? what? The band has been “around” since about 2001. The band is freakin amazing. Enough said. congrats to Gerard and Lyn-z

  13. KILL JOYZ MAKE SOME NOIZE!!!!!! lol Lady 10 yrs is long i doubt u will still being doing what you are now in 10 years…… tho bandit is weird for a girl even still MCR as a bad is awesome

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