Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to Facebook. I check in too many times a day, and use it way too often as an alternate form of communication with just about…well…everyone. It’s also a lifesaver for people like me who hate the phone.
That said, for those of us who troll Facebook more than we should, it’s natural for there to be a growing list of annoyances which result from frequenting a virtual establishment more than any place in reality.
So, without further adieu, here we go…
10. People Who Don’t Get the Real Purpose of the Facebook Status
Listen up, dipshits. The point of the Facebook status is NOT to tell us that you’re waiting in line at the dry cleaners or to give us your New Agey one liner pep talks. Do I really need to hear one more time that “today is precious – that’s why it’s called the ‘present’?”
Facebook status updates are either to entertain people with a little funny – or to vent your frustrations (frankly, also meant to entertain). Occasionally, you can send a shout out about an important event in your life – both good or bad – in order to save yourself the trouble of having to call a million people. I don’t recommend, however, you break up with a person via Facebook status. While highly entertaining, it’s still a shitty thing to do, which leads me to my next annoyance…
9. People Using Their Relationship Status to Signal to Their Significant Others There’s Trouble in Paradise.
I can’t believe I even have to say this, but don’t – I repeat – DON’T use your FB relationship status to let your baby know you’re pissed with them. I have actually heard from friends of mine, telling me they thought everything was fine between them and their girlfriend or boyfriend only to see their status change from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated.” Can you be anymore high school than that? You’ve got a problem with your man, work it out at home and IN PERSON. I have even heard of one married couple who were going through some problems, only to have the wife change her status from “married” to “single” before letting her husband know it was over. That’s just beyond tacky. You don’t have the nerve to break up with the person IN PERSON, then at least do it one-on-one over the phone and not through the Facebook community. Made me feel like the kid at the dinner table watching their parents fight and not being allowed to leave.
8. Conversely, It’s Annoying When One Partner is Way Into Facebook and the Other is, Well, Really Not…
I usually don’t care that my man isn’t into Facebook. Frankly, his disinterest perfected aligns with his personality, so no biggie. That said, I don’t know…I guess deep down I’m a fucking twelve-year-old girl because I’d like my man to write the occasional lovey message on my wall…it’s like getting a big, bad and beautiful gawdy bouquet of flowers sent to your work on Valentine’s Day. It makes you feel loved and you get to show off to the other gals how lovingly awesome your man really is. I know, I’m pathetic, but there it is.
7. People Believing that By Simply Joining a Facebook Group, They’re Going to Cure All the World’s Ills.
I really hate being asked to join any of these groups, but I will occasionally do it if:
(1) I know the person sending me the join link is really involved in the cause outside of FB, and it’s my way of showing him or her support and
(2) it’s a cause I really believe in and one I put skin in the game outside my computer.
So for those of you who send me the link or app to cure cancer or save the friggin’ whales who have nothing to do with such causes, stop it. It’s really annoying. And even worse, that silly FB group eschews any real progress made on that cause’s behalf. Do your cause – and your FB friends – a big fucking favor and instead of spending your valuable time sending links for “Save Darfur” or “Stop Chopping Trees in the Amazon” take a measely $10 or $20 and donate them directly through the organization’s websites (NOT through Facebook). And shut the fuck up.
6. Stop Alerting Me Everytime Your Cow Takes a Dump on ‘Farmville’ or Your Virtual Vampire Bites Into Something.
For those of you who are lucky enough to be unaware of this, on Facebook there are applications which let you play a variety of games online. Some let you lead virtual lives on a farm, or running a restaurant, or become a wiseguy in your own lil’ ‘Mafia Wars’ (one of my former favorites). I too was once caught up in the fever of earning points for extra jobs and sending out notices on my news feed for help. Then, one day, I realized I had a life. A pretty good one, actually. And I walked away, cold turkey. Haven’t missed it since.
Now, I don’t expect for you all to stop doing something which gives you pleasure. But do I really need to know everytime you move up another level or buy yourself a new virtual weapon? No, I don’t think so. Moreover, I know that those apps give you the OPTION of publishing that kind of info or not. Choose not to, ok? It’s fine if you need the occasional help on a job…but otherwise stop with the FB bragging. You’re dirtying up my news feed and boring us to tears. Seriously.
5. People Who Only Show Pictures of Their Kids (and Never Themselves) on Facebook.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to look at pictures of lil’ Ashley and Madison. Sure, why not? But some of you ONLY show me your kids. Don’t you realize the whole point of Facebook is to avoid having to go to the school reunions and see how people turned out? So what if you’ve gained some weight since school. Guess what, so have I pumpkin. And while I’m not sporting a bikini online anytime soon, I’ll still show off my chub mug for you all to see and judge. Big deal. We’re older. Some of us need to lose a few pounds or need a little face work done. Show yourselves and be proud!
Hey, there’s always Photoshop if you really have THAT many issues.
4. Hey Scumbags, Stop Hitting on Me and/or Our Spouses via Facebook.
If I had a dollar everytime either an ex-boyfriend or an old college “friend” started in with me via Facebook, I could take you all out to dinner. A nice dinner. Listen, I get that we all have those in our past that we wish we could’ve had – or there are the ones who got away. Hey, we’re all human, right? But there’s a fine line between catching up and seeing how you’re doing to trying to look under someone’s hood and ask in Joey Tribbiani-style “howa YOU doin’?” You know the difference, so don’t act as if you don’t. Light flirting is fine…wanting to start sexting and asking how my marriage is doing is not.
3. Facebook is a Social Networking Site – Not a Replacement for a Photo Album.
Throwing on a few pictures from last Thanksgiving is fine. Uploading more than 100 photos from your Family Grand Canyon trip is just excessive. No one’s gonna look through all that crap, so cut it out.
2. Speaking of Photos, Stop Tagging Me with Pixs From My My Embarassing Youth.
It’s just not nice to scan and tag those curled yellowed photos of me with feathered back hair and pre-nose job. It’s not good form to show the world what I looked like with metallic blue eye liner on. Stop with the tagging!!! Please!!
1. Hanging Out on Facebook May Be Kinda Lame, But it Sure-as-Hell Beats The Geek Squad Who Squat Over at World of Warcraft.