Top Five Reasons Why John Mayer is a Douche Bag (and Why I’ll Buy His CDs Anyway)


Oh for Christ’s sake, will this guy just SHUT THE HELL UP???

Whew…I’ve been wanting to say that for way too long.  Before I grind my axe on that ridiculous lemonhead of his, I will say this: I actually like his music.  In fact, his break-out album, “Room for Squares,” was the only (and I do mean the only) CD that would calm down my youngest daughter while driving in the car – an activity she hated as a baby. 

So why am I picking on someone who I think has a lot of talent? Because he acts like a tool…so much so that I know more people than not who won’t admit to liking his music because he acts like such a fool.  The thing is…I don’t think John is stupid. Really.  I just think that fame came too hard and fast at too young an age, elevating every young person’s douche bag potential up to critical mass levels. John, at this point in your life, you’re so code red.

So think of me as big sista here who’s gonna set you straight and tell you what all your “yes” people won’t do to your face…

5.  Stop looking so annoyed when the press asks you if your new CD, “Battle Studies” is about Jennifer Aniston. 

What the fuck did you expect, asswipe? You haven’t shut up about her – for better and for worse – for two years.  Oh course the press is going to assume that some of the CD is about her.  Why are you looking so shocked, as if you can’t fathom the connection? If you’re going to play in their sandbox, expect to play all nine innings. Oh and one more thing…after all the lip flapping you did about her, the least you can do for Jen is immortalize her a bit and say she inspired a track or two. What? That would be such a big deal? I didn’t think so…

4. You may not be stupid John, but your women sure are…

Listen John, you’re not the first guy to fall for a pretty face. Hell, we’ve all been there.  But Jesus, Mary, and Joseph do you have to go for the most vacuous women in Hollywood?  I am astounded that each choice of yours gets even worse than the last.  Like who, you ask? Jennifer Love Hewitt? Jessica Simpson (and none of us believe her daddy’s story that she has a 160 IQ.)? And on and off again with the battiest chick in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston? I have close friends of mine who work in the industry and in a town filled with insecure, flakey, and stupid actors, she’s known as the Queen Bee of the Dingbats.  My God, she makes Megan Fox look like a member of Mensa.

There are brilliant, beautiful women everywhere. Find one. And once you do, do us another favor and…

3. Stop with the kiss and tell. It makes you look like an ass and no one respects that guy.

I’m sure the gossip pages luv, luv, luv that you give all the juicy details on why you broke up with Jessica or why you had enough of Jen. But to the rest of us, you look like a prick. A prick with a big mouth. Shut it, already, and show some class.

2. Stop talking about every new tattoo you get.

Hey don’t get me wrong. I may not be an ink seeker myself, but I get the excitement of sporting a new tat.  But in every other interview I’ve seen of you, you rambling on and on about them.  Makes you look like a poser, dude.  Oh and here’s an FYI…I know you think that the Japanese drawing on your arm is oh-so-special and that the tattoo artist made you, like, beg for the honor of wearing that oh-so-rare design…but truth is kitten, I think you got played. Yeah, your art is nice and all, but I’m also sure he jacked up the price ten-fold and only made you squirm in order for you to think you were getting some high honor.  It’s called playing hard-to-get.  So enjoy your tats when you’re staring at yourself in your hotel mirror and shut up about it already, k?

1. You Tweet more than a 12-year-old girl, and your content is just as mature.

John, I’m all about artists reaching out to your public.  Hell, you’ve got over two million followers, so obviously people want to hear what you have to say.  But dammit Janet, I’d bet your iTunes sales that at least half of them plug into you because you have the worse diarrhea of the mouth I’ve ever seen on a grown (ahem) man. 

Do I really need to hear such philosophical musings like “I don’t belong to anyone and no one belongs to me,” and “tears make the saddest lube?” Are ya kidding me with that crap?  I bet you sign your name with little peace signs too, don’t ya buddy?

Ok, that’s it. I have vented.


3 responses to “Top Five Reasons Why John Mayer is a Douche Bag (and Why I’ll Buy His CDs Anyway)

  1. Sure do agree with your comments. Isn’t it strange how those who should speak the least tend to talk the most? I guess it’s a human trait.

  2. My friend had this as his status earlier today, and it seemed appropriate for our friend John:

    “Give a man a cliche and he will share it for a day, teach a man to search the web for cliches and he will start a twitter account.”

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