Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession # 25: If Only All Old People Were This Cool

Ok, I admit it.  I am not “one” with the old people.  I just don’t like ’em.  And I know that’s ageist and all, but I’m just being honest here.  I used to work with a bunch at the Jewish Community Center in New Orleans…a bunch of Depression-Era-old ladies with a bad attitude, a weird smell, and a penchance for double knits. And they were really cheap too (and don’t give me the whole “Jews are cheap” schtick ‘cuz most of the old bags we  served were Catholics, so there). Look, I get it.  Maybe if I had lived through Black Friday and bread lines and Hooverville shanty towns, I’d be more careful with a nickel too.  But hey, give AIG, Goldman Sachs, and the Department of Treasury a little more time and I’ll get a chance sure enough, right?

Anyhoo…long story short, there’s this guy on Twitter (named Justin) who lives with his 73-year-old dad and he writes down the crazy funny shit his dad says.  I haven’t laughed this hard in forever, so had to share it with you.  Go to Twitter @shitmydadsays and catch the wave for yourselves.  If only all old people were this cool. I’m just saying…

“Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”

  • “Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”

  • “You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”

  • “If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”  

  • “I need to change clothes? Wow. That’s big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn’s.”
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  • “The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”
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  • “You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”
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  • “Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.”
  • “I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”

  • “Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?…No, I’m not gonna make a joke. I’ll let your mirror do that.”

  • “That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

  • “Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”

  • “I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”

  • “We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed…What’s Footloose?…That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”

  • “Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”

  • “You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”

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  • “You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”
  • “Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why’s he gotta do a trick first? YOU don’t have to do shit before YOU eat.”

  • “It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”

  • Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.”

  • “A scar ain’t 13 god damned stitches. I’ll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we’ll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together.”

  • “I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”

  • “You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”
  • “I wouldn’t worry about money…No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn’t worry, cause you’d just piss it away.”

  • “No, you can not borrow my t-shirt…How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?”

  • I think the baby shit….Well, I’m smelling shit right now, so if it ain’t the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem.”

  • “Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.”

  • “The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit.”

  • “Fucking Radio Shack. It’s a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don’t just walk around all day with shit in their pants.”

  • “Don’t listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son.”
  • “Happy birthday, I didn’t get you a present…Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then too, unless it’s shitty.”

  • “Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it’s not a sack of food, it’s a sack of shit.”

  • “I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”

  • “Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I’m 73 and shit’s starting to get boring. By the way, there’s no money left when I go, just fyi.”

  • ‘You don’t know shit, and you’re not shit. Don’t take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up.”

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  • “Here’s a strawberry, sorry for farting near you…Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that’s the deal.”
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  • “The worst thing you can be is a liar….Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2”
  • “Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?…That’s her? Yeah, that’s a stripper, son, I don’t give a shit what you say.”

  • “Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It’s for all the dummies.”

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  • “I’m having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain’t mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil’ fucking umbrella in it”
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    4 responses to “Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession # 25: If Only All Old People Were This Cool

    1. This is so amazing, I’m speechless. And you know I don’t shut the hell up EVER.

      (I’m worried about the dad’s obsession with feces, though.)

      (Also, I am not on your blogroll. After all the grief you gave me? Seriously? We’re breaking up.)

    2. Ok ok…I’ll put you on my blogroll. In the words of Justins dad… Not like anyone’s gonna read this shit anyway. My blogroll may as well be titled “stuff I read that you seem to care so little about.”

      🙂

    3. AWESOME! HE’S JUST LIKE GRANDPA!!! Just no Southern accent I suppose…and my daddy taught me the same thing, you dont mix liquor!!!!!!!!!!! I am getting on twitter now just so I can follow this man. Sweet. Time for a calendar. (FYI, I called that, so I get 25%.)…and he uses FYI. Sweet.

    4. Oh the anonymous was me. hihi.

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