First of all, let me start off by saying that, yes indeedy, I’m a fan. I think you’re just as cute as a button and as sharp-as-a-whip. In fact, I can actually picture you with a whip and some other Good Vibrations-inspired accoutrements quite often, which only adds to your appeal. My little fantasy is only abated when my elementary-aged girls start singing I Kissed a Girl at the top of their lungs. Actually, that kills it for me right there, but regardless, I digress.
Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got a new fella with you these days…and not just anyone, but actor/comedian, Russell Brand. Now, I know you’re young and beautiful – and I don’t know much about your dating history – so to speak – but I’m going to assume for the moment that you’ve probably never dated anyone quite like Russell before.
Yep, he’s sure something, isn’t he?
It may actually be advantageous for you to take a moment to find out about Russell’s, how should I phrase it, dating history because it’s quite….what’s the word, what’s the word…fertile.
And this is just the list from this past summer, honey. What’s my point? My point is this: I know he’s telling everyone that he’s in love (and that’s great kitten, really) but that’s no reason to be emailing him photos of your tits. And your beaver. And the crack of your ass. Really.
I care too much about you to eventually see those aforementioned pictures on the cover of next month’s OK Magazine, after he discovers that revenues from his Scandalous Tour aren’t enough to cover his coke therapy bill.
You’re with a real player now hon…so 86 the nudie shots from now on. Oh, and get that fresh cold sore checked out and make sure it doesn’t have a twin down south,k?