Celebrities get away with some pretty stupid shit, but I guess if I was surrounded by a bunch of ‘yes’ men sycophants, I may also live in a permanent state of delusion as well. While yes, this blog usually sticks with reader questions and music info, once a year I like to poke a stick at celebrity hubris and bring out the 10 Worst Celebrity Names of that year. As I was reviewing the candidates (and yes, there are way too many) I came across some I must have missed in years passed. So perhaps this post should be titled “Worst Celebrity Baby Names of All Times.” So here we go…
10. Zuma Nesta Rock (child of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale)
I guess copyright law prevented them from using their first choice, Zima.
Lousy drink, even crappier first name.
9. Audio Science (child of Shannyn Sossamon)
Ladies and gentleman, welcome the future president of your high school’s A/V Club. With a name like Audio Science, you’ve bound this kid to a level of geekdom unparalleled. The only reason why the other little boys are gonna come over your house is to snatch a peek at your mom nude sunbathing by the pool. Or to catch lost episodes Star Trek. Sorry, A.
8. Moxie CrimeFighter (child of Penn Jillette)
It’s a good thing Lil’ Miss Jilette loves fantasyland, magical stuff because with a name like Moxie Crimefighter and a dad like Penn Jillete, this kid’s gonna be living in her own version of Alice in Wonderful for a long, long time. Takes a lot of moxie (Yiddish for slang for nerve or guts) to name your kid Moxie. Dressed like Ms. Fairytale Princess here (ok, it was for a party, but you get the idea) you know the other kids are gonna want to beat the shit out of her everyday to test how much moxie Moxie’s got. Hope Dad taught ya the disappearing act too buttercup.
7. Bogart Che Peyote (Reality star David “Puck” Rainey)
I know, I know. He was a tool on MTV’s “Real World: San Francisco,” so we can’t be too surprised that he named his kid Bogart Che Peyote. Puck must have written down all his favorite things onto lil’ bits o paper, stuck ’em in a bowl, and this is what he pulled out. Guess what punk…we get that you’re on drugs, that you like drugs, but did you have to name your own kid after a drug? I can only assume the Bogart is for famed actor, Humphrey Bogart (this is the point where all you under 30 will Wikipedia “Who is Humphrey Bogart?), and Che for Che Guevara. Dude, I know you San Franciscans luv your Che Guevara T-shirts, but that doesn’t make you any kind of revolutionary. Especially when you do commercials for sports drinks.
6. Tie between Sage Moonblood and Seargeoh (children of Sylvester Stallone)
Man, you can tell Sly was hit in the head a lot cuz those names are WHACK. Sage Moonblood sounds like the name of a middle-aged, bra-less hippie living in a New Agey lesbo commune in Marin County and the other one, I…um…I don’t even know how to pronounce it. I think the third one’s named Grace or Rose, or something innocuous from the Depression Era. Jesus Christ though…these girls have to deal with their dad being Rocky, why would you add more to the therapy bill and give them such names. Why? WHY?
5. Hud (child of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)
You know what else is named Hud? The Department of Housing and Urban Development. Stupid, stupid.
4. Spec Wildhorse (another unfortunate child of John Cougar Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin)
Which one’s Hud and which one’s SPEC WILDHORSE? Who gives a crap, both names bite the weeny. The latter’s even worse because it sounds like one of those faux Indian names made popular in the Nineties. In Indian tradition, it was commonplace to name the child after an event occurring during the baby’s birth. Hmm…maybe their kid was born and they looked at the first thing in the baby’s room (gift of a stuffed speckled horse, for example) and BAM that’s what they named their kid after! How about naming him something like “Nurse on a Cigarette Break” or “Dad in a Huff about Not Having a Hit Single in 20 Years.” Would make more sense.
3. Pirate (child of Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven)
Honestly, if your dad’s the lead singer of Korn and your mom’s a porn star, having the name Pirate is the least of your troubles there buddy. Don’t worry, I’ve got Child Protective Services on speed dial for ya 😉
Considering mom’s profession, that must have been the easiest path down the vaginal birth canal, like, ever.
2. Sparrow (child of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden)
I guess Sparrow is as dumb of a bird name as they come. Hey, at least your parents didn’t name you “Swallow.” Good thinkin, folks.
1. Tu Simone Ayer (child of Rob Morrow)
On the surface, this is not necessarily a stupid name. Until you realize it’s the daughter of Northern Exposure and NUMBERS actor Rob Morrow. So the kid’s name? Tu Morrow. Oh just shoot me now.