Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I’ve had a couple of terrible experiences with men, and still haven’t jumped back into the dating ocean. I’m young, just about to graduate, and have told myself that my lack of dating was a result of a poor selection at my University. I’m starting to think I’ve been lying.
I haven’t found anyone particular, all are attractive but none appropriate. I’ve done the odd hot/cold thing twice since being hurt 3 years ago (jumping-in in public but chickening out in private). Nothing which would constitute dating, which I’m convinced my generation doesn’t do. So instead of finding guys I’ve been concentrating on school and myself. I’ve become a weirder but more comfortable person with group of good friends. Don’t those self help books tell you that you’re supposed to find love when you’ve fixed yourself and aren’t looking for it?
Thing is, I haven’t fixed myself completely and I’m stuck. While no longer afraid of all men, once they show an interest I spook. What do you think I should do, find some guy and just do it? or should I keep waiting for someone gentle to work me back into trusting?
Lonely with just her friends
Heartbreak’s a bitch, plain and simple. It’s especially rough when it’s all new, and you’re young, simply because you haven’t built up some of the armor – and frankly, bullshit detection – graced to us who have ‘been there, done that’. High school and college life are usually portrayed as such carefree times- and compared to the responsibilities of adulthood, that’s true – but I also remember those years as getting my heart broken big time. College boys are not exactly known for sensitivity and consideration, so keep that in mind when you talk about ‘men’ – ahem. Listen, some young women are able to shake off being hurt easier than others. I certainly wasn’t one of those. It’s obvious you are also one of the tender-hearted.
So what to do? Firstly, respect the fact that you’re not one of those girls who just wants to ‘hook up’ or ‘hang’ with a guy in a casual way. I’ve gotta tell ya, I think it’s such bullshit that your generation doesn’t date…by keeping it so loose, you’ve removed the possibilities of taking anyone seriously. I loved dating, because then I knew who was interested enough in me to make a genuine effort, and I was in a powerful position of using that time to determine if this was the kind of person I wanted in my life in any real way. Yes, dating can be awkward – like an audition or taking a test – but you can’t play the lead or ace an exam if you’re always sitting on the couch, waiting to see who and what bumps into you sideways. Your generation’s way suck weinis because it’s just too passive.
Oh, and btw, if you want to ensure that you really psychologically mess yourself up for the long haul, then please please PLEASE go with your plan to ‘just find some guy and do it.’ Are you serious? Have you been listening to yourself? You got your heart broken years ago, you’re still recovering from that pain and humiliation, so you think using and being used by some a-wipe is going to empower you? Casual sex as a means of ‘feminine power’ may work for the slut sisters of ‘Sex and the City’ but not for you. And thank goodness for that.
Hear’s a tip from the Queen Bitch in your corner: sex is a big deal. Yes, it’s fun and adventurous and all that stuff, but the good times go when you roll over to find a virtual stranger sweating on your sheets. Your good sheets. So, um…yeah…wait for a guy who takes the time to earn your trust, who wants to get to know you, who – oh can it be so? – spends his bar bill money on you for a Saturday night. You are worth that effort. And by setting standards for how you are to be treated, I promise you, bottom-feeder boys will go looking for some easier prey because you’re expecting too much. The real catches will want to earn their place on your time card.
Oh and one more thing…you’re never going to find the kind of guy you deserve by always staying in your comfort zone. Keep your friends, but also be open to one or two of those guys who show you interest. Don’t play mind games when things get a little warmer between you and a guy…be straight and let him know you need to take it slow, and that you’re not looking to rush into anything. I’ve never met a man yet who didn’t love a straight-shooting girl who wasn’t anxious to lose her heart or panties to the first guy to come around.
Trusting someone else begins with learning to trust yourself again.
Here’s a mini retro R & B feel mix for you, ‘cuz Mama’s tired tonight 🙂
05. “A Woman’s Worth,” (Alicia Keys) Songs in A Minor
04. “Stronger,” (Amy Winehouse) Frank.
03. “Rise Up,” (Diane Birch) Bible Belt.
02. “Better Way,” (India.Arie & Keb’ Mo’) Testimony, Volume 2: Love & Politics.
01. “Just Fine,” (Mary J. Blige) Growing Pains.