You named me WHAT motherfuckers?
I’m sooo going to go ADHD all over your asses when I grow up!
Yes folks…it’s that time of year again…Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Worst Names of 2008 List!
While I’ve borrowed the survey results from Celebitchy, here’s my personal take on how – as David Alan Grier from Chocolate News puts it – celebrities “have lost their damn minds” this year:
Worst Boy Names of 2008
1. Bronx Mowgli Wentz
son of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson
It’s difficult to imagine two bigger douche bags getting together and procreating, but here they are…and ain’t it a funny that they named their kid after one of the more unfortunate burroughs of New York AND the village idiot from Disney’s Jungle Book film. More to the point, I honestly can’t even imagine these two having sex. Does it even know where to put it? Maybe old man Joe gave him some tips (ouch).
O.k…now I’ve grossed myself out.
2. Sophocles Iraia Clement
child of Jermaine Clement and Miranda Manasiadis
This one hurts me a little because I’m a big fan of Flight of the Conchords, but color me stupid because I don’t get the appeal of this name at all. I mean, if I was going to name my kid after an ancient Greek writer, Sophocles just wouldn’t do it for me. Maybe Aristotle, and then call him Ari.
Sometimes being eccentric for the sake of saying you’re eccentric just makes you look like an ass.
3. Barnaby Borstein Douglas
son of Alex Borstein and Jackson Douglas
Both Borstein and Douglas are decent enough character actors, but maybe they saw having a kid as some kind of PR manuever, thinking it’ll give them some much-coveted front page press.
Too bad, ’cause now they’re stuck with a kid named after the TV guy, Barnaby Jones. And that’s just sad.
4. Major Harris
son of Rapper T.I., nee Clifford Joseph Harris Jr., and Tameka “Tiny” Cottle
I don’t know dick about Rapper T.I., except for the fact that Major is his sixth child (of course, not all by Ms. Tiny). I guess when you have so many, you lose steam trying to find something clever. Although you would think him being on house arrest, he’d have the time to figure out something better than…Major.
I don’t want to rank too hard on this one. Their last child was still-born, and that just makes Ms. Bitch quiet for a change.
5. Vincenzo Kainalu Hammett
son of Kirk Hammett and Lani Hammett
You know what? I know all the polls are dissing on this name, but I think Vincenzo is hot. And I’m a Metallica fan too, so I’m giving this one a proper bitch slap on the backside and declare it good and done.
Worst Girl Names of 2008
1. Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg
daughter of Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
Again, I think calling a girl Jagger is not so bad, but I do take issue with Jews naming a kid with 3 to 5 names. What do you think you are – a Catholic? Whateve…oh and please note the use of ‘blue’ as middle name. That makes, like, SEVEN celebrities who have used the color as a gateway moniker between first and last. Can you name them? Can ya, can ya?
2. Luisa Danbi Grier-Kim
daughter of David Alan Grier and Christine Kim
I just adore Grier’s new show, Chocolate News, on Comedy Central. Seriously. As far as naming their daughter, Luisa, I think it’s innocuous enough – although I can’t get that kid from “The Sound of Music” out of my head. Remember them? Luisa, Brigitta, Leisl (that slut in the glass house), Gretl, Frederick and the rest of the Aryan merry men? I’d throw this name in the same category as the millions of others that have come back into vogue since the late nineties – Names of Your Grandmom That are Suddenly “Hip” Again. Like Sophie and Isabelle, Eva and Belle. Sounds like a castana club from Boca Raton. But have at it…there are much worse out there, as we all know, kitty kat.
3. Atalanta Baez
child of Carolina Herrera and Miguel Baez
I know naming children after places where the parents have little to no connection to is still considered tres fabulous, but I’m sorry. For Herrera and Baez to name their child Atalanta? Puhleeze…maybe if they were local hip hop royalty, but international European jet set trash? It just doesn’t make sense to my little pea brain. And what’s with the extra “a” in the middle? To drag out the accent and butcher the nonplume even more??
4. Egypt Bennett
daughter of Paris Bennett
Ok…so 1/3 of the worst names of 2008 are after locations. See a pattern folks? Bad enough the Idol finalist is named Paris (a word I used to adore until whas-her-name sullied it rotten), but to name your daughter after Egypt. Alright, maybe it’s a black thing. I guess I can wrap my head around that one…but to me it’s like a Jewish couple naming their child Judea or Mesopatania. It may be ancient and our people may have ties, but dammit, it just sounds, well, STUPID.
daughter of Dermot Mulroney and Tharita Catulle
So, if a good chunk of the very very bbbaaaaaadd girl’s names are after places, guess what some of the others are?
Yep, old ladies from the Depression Era.
Mabel Ray? MABLE RAY? Wow, just give the girl some orthodontic headgear and a deviated septum and you’ve got yourself a winner. Don’t forget to throw in a love for everything Jane Austen and an OCD condition only assuaged by knitting and we’re lining up very nicely with this moniker.
Plus, her dad can’t act for shit and I think he has a horseface, but that’s just me. I’m just not into punk-ass, mediocre idiots. Color me crazy – just leave out the blue.