Dear Ms. M & B,
Okay, I have Ex boyfriend “problems” and I turned to your blog as I suspect mine is not the first of it’s kind. And I rather read someone else’s version than have to actually type mine out, thus submitting what I already know that I am indeed STUPID! The closest I could find was this post of yours Ex Boyfriend Blues, the thing is before I even read it I followed your Relationship (RIP) Recipe, all on my own. It wasn’t that I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex and dreaming about him, though from time to time it happened. I was in a new and great relationship with the “perfect guy” the one I always wanted. I talked to my ex from time to time via texts mostly about football, our number one common interest. He’d always tell me to let him know when I was in town (I moved after college, he did not) we’d get a drink and catch up. I never did. Then I found myself temporary moving back to his state and thought I’d just see if the offer still stood, so I texted away. It had been at least 2 years since I’d seen him and a few more since we had actually been in a relationship. Before we went out I went to some old journals and such that I had to remind myself why we weren’t together and was sure that there would be no old sparks flying. He was my first “grown up” relationship, and my love (as corny as that sounds). I even told my “perfect guy” our plans to meet up, so there was nothing dishonest going on. So, we hung out and everything was fine we got a long wonderfully and had the best time ever. I had to go home and remind myself why were initially broke up, and was satisfied at that. Here is the thing after several months of again not talking we started spending a lot of time together, and one thing let to another we have let our sexual attraction for each other take over things, and can’t seem to keep our hands off of each other. Now you may be worried about “perfect guy” but before this happened he and I decided maybe things between us aren’t quite what we wanted and we should step back and reevaluate we were headed in life, we still talk everyday, but aren’t so much in a relationship, so I don’t think I’m so much “cheating”. And Ex has an ex that he lives with who has no idea he is spending time with me (she hates me) so he is not exactly “cheating” either. In all of this we can spend time together that isn’t filled with sex or sexual tension and we have a great time, the best time, it’s getting harder and harder to remember why we broke up and not tell myself we’ve both grown up and changed and that things would work with us if it weren’t for all the complications. I feel like I’m living in a soap opera. So, tell me is it okay to keep hanging out in this pretenses or do I need to stop, walk away, and never look back. (hoping for the former).
Hope you can help!
Afraid I’m Re-falling in Love
PS found your blog on DivineCaroline: Love (you’re winning!)
So let me get this straight: you’re now single…and his ex-girlfriend/current roomate is truly an “ex” which means he’s single. Am I getting this right? Yes? O.k…so what’s the problem? If he’s holding off because his roommate doesn’t like you and you’re holding off because you’re scared, then that makes him an idiot and you naturally trepidacious.
I think if this guy made a proper move and said he wanted it to be you and him, then I think your fears would melt away and you’d go for it. But he’s not doing that, which frankly makes me question whether the “roommate” is really in the Ex box or is actually his real girlfriend. Because if she’s really just an ex, then why would he let her stop him from being with you? If a guy really wants a woman, then he doesn’t let very much stand in his way.
I am less concerned with what happened the last time you went out. You’re both young enough to be in that phase when you’re basically a couple of horny puppies bumping into each other the wrong way – meaning, good relationship etiquette doesn’t always come naturally to a high schooler, and by the time you get to college or your 20s (longer for others), you learn the right way to treat the ones you love. What DOES concern me is how you’re being treated now – and what you are allowing to happen.
Now, I’m sure in your mind – as you are reading this, you’re thinking, “No, Ms. M&B, I’m SURE he’s not hitting the ex in the next room,” and “But Ms. M&B, you really don’t understand how COMPLICATED everything is!”
This is the same bullshit I used to say at your age, when I used to allow men who treated me like shit (or at least just not as well as I deserved) the benefit of the doubt. It’s amazing the excuses the inexperienced mind can conjure in the name of lust. Not judging, just telling you, I get it. And if I could go back in time and tell me the following, I would…but I can’t, so I’m saying it to you instead
RULES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS YOUR MAMA SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
You are worth having someone save all his beer money in order to take you out to your favorite restaurant.
You deserve someone who stays up half the night to make you the perfect mix tape – and is actually goofy enough to tell you he picked the songs that say what he can’t yet to you.
You should expect no less for the man of your heart to be proud to call you his girlfriend
You should know that when a guy cites “life complications” as a reason not to be with you, he’s not ready to be with anyone
If the object of your affection only shows his affection behind closed doors, then in some way, shape, or form, he’s not proud to be with you. Which makes him the asshole, and you the schmuck if you put up with it.
Real love – real, RECIPROCATED love – is the best drug there is
At this point, the two of you are no longer “just friends” and you are certainly not a couple…which leaves the “friends with benefits” category, only he wasn’t stupid enough to say it to your face.
If I were you, I wouldn’t get all angry about this just yet…but I would put it out there and say the next time we were face-to-face:
“In case you don’t know, I think you’re amazing. And I know our last time around didn’t work out so well, but that was a long time ago. Maybe we’re ready to try this on for real. What do you think?”
If he starts going into a litany of reasons why that can’t happen, then you have your answer: he’s not serious about you. In fact, I’d go as far to say he’s using you.
However, if you see his face brighten up with your declaration and he says he wants to try again, then I promise the rest of the bullshit will work itself out and you’ve found yourself a cool boyfriend. Of course, it would be ideal if he was the one to chase you here, but it’s been several months now…time to shit or get off the pot, and if that means you’re the one who has to lay it on the line, then so be it. Your time and affections are precious commodities. NEVER FORGET THAT! Don’t waste them on someone who’s not dying to be with you. No matter how young you are, life is too short for such nonsense.
|1.||Ivy – Edge Of The Ocean|
|2.||Placebo – Running Up That Hill|
|3.||Death Cab for Cutie – Long Division|
|4.||A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover|
|5.||Martha Wainwright – Who Was I Kidding|
|6.||Fiona Apple – Get Him Back|
|7.||Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers – Refugee|
|8.||Snow Patrol – Spitting Games|
|9.||Loquat – Internal Crash|
|10.||The Vaselines – You Think You’re A Man|