I can see why you miss him. Uh huh.
Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I only started reading your blog recently but I love it and now I can’t get enough of it. My “problem” is not as severe as some of the others I have read, and is probably not entirely unique but I hope that this is not too similar to a previous post because I really don’t know who else to ask about it. Here it goes.
I just want to start off by saying that I am an outgoing person, I have a lot of great friends, I date “enough” and I have a lot to look forward to in the near future career wise. But, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about my ex boyfriend.
When I was 18 I started dating a good friend of mine. We were together for 2 years and it started out amazing but after about a year we had begun to take our separate ways (mine was school, his was odd jobs and hallucinogens). By the time we reached our 2 year anniversary I knew that we needed to break up, but it was really difficult. Even though he had changed quite a bit, lost his ambition, and (I’m pretty sure) fell out of love with me, he had been an enormous part of my life since I was a teenager.
(All Hail King of Hallucinogens: Tim Leary)
It has been almost 3 years now since we broke up and a year since we saw each other last. We have communicated randomly through instant messages and emails but they were nothing more than status updates and are sporadic at best.
Is it him? Is it? IS IT???
I only started thinking about him again a year ago. At first I had chalked it up to nostalgia even though it stemmed from waking up upset due to vivid dreams of him dating friends of mine (which never happened in waking life). The dreams have persisted to this day, and still I think about him; what he might be doing, where he is, that sort of thing. I even considered that maybe these thoughts meant that I still had lingering feelings, even though I know all logic dictates that pursuing a relationship with him would be embarrassing and fruitless. If I really think about it I don’t even want a relationship right now, let alone an unhealthy one like ours was near the end. What is wrong with me?! Am I just over dramatic? What can I do to stop thinking about him?
I am not sure how to solve this problem.
Oh honey, we’ve all been there…knowing a guy was wrong for us, but still dreaming about him anyway. Personally I think you’ve wasted enough of your precious mental energy and heart space on this one, so I’m going to give you the formula for not only fixing your fixation, but for finding someone MUCH better.
Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Magic Relationship R.I.P (Rest In Peace) Recipe
1 pack stationary with pen
2-3 planned outings
1 dark night of the soul
1 cork board with push pins
12-15 magazines with scissors
1 afternoon to clear 1/2 of bedroom closet
Wondering where I’m going with this, eh?
O.k. first things first…I want you to write a letter to your ex. YOU WILL NOT – I REPEAT – NOT SEND THIS LETTER. But you will say everything you have ever wanted to say. Everything. Then I want you to set it aside for a couple of days and then re-read it – out loud – to yourself.
Next, and this is important, casually call your ex and asked to hang out. Whatever excuse you want to come up with – that’s up to you – or just say you’ve missed him and want to spend some time. Don’t put a romantic spin on it…keep it platonic. Try to repeat the above step one or two more times, if necessary.
Now I want you to go back to your trusted paper and pen and recall everything you thought and felt during these outings (don’t be surprised if it really only takes one). Then read it out loud to yourself. What hopefully has happened with some exposure to him again is that you realize this has all been much adieu about nothing.
Next is the harder part: you’re going to think/write/talk out loud…whatever you want…to youself and ask yourself this question:
“Why am I using my ex as an excuse to not have a relationship now?”
Because as much as you think this hanging on is about him, it’s not. Why do I say this? Because there doesn’t seem to be anyone of real passionate interest since then that you’ve mentioned. In fact, when you say you date “enough” – well, that was the only part you wrote about that I didn’t buy. For whatever reason, you have not been able to move forward…perhaps your relationship burned you more than you’re admitting and you’re afraid to get hurt. Or the men you’ve dated since have been lukewarm company…which only makes your slacker ex seem more appealing. I think this because your relationship with him didn’t end suddenly; it had a lingering long death and you were both ready to move on when it did.
In other words, I believe this is much more about current loneliness than it is about your ex being so irresistible. You’re human – and it’s easier to put our longings on a familiar face than it is to go out into the unknown.
Now, get out your magazines and cork board and start posting up all the qualities you’re looking for in your next relationship. Have fun with it! Find images and words that reflect what you really respond to. Keep the board up sonewhere you can see it everyday.
Then, go to your bedroom closet and clear out some room as if the right “he” was moving in tomorrow. Now, I know this sounds TRES corny and New Age-y, but it works. I swear. That is, if you want it to…
We live in a benevolent, abundant universe. Ask for what you want. BE VERY CLEAR – WITHOUT AMBIGUITY – AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE. Some will scoff at it, but those are usually the ones who are miserable, so don’t listen to them.
What have you got to lose??
10. “Wake Up Alone,” [Amy Winehouse] Back to Black.
9. “Where Love Went Wrong,” [Augustana] Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt.
8. “Ghost of a Good Thing,” [Dashboard Confessional] A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar.
7. “You Can Do Better Than Me,” [Death Cab for Cutie] Narrow Stairs.
6. “Near to You,” [A Fine Frenzy] One Cell in the Sea.
5. “The Dumbing Down of Love,” [Frou Frou] Details.
4. “Linger,” [Jonatha Brooke] Back in the Circus.
3. “Half-Assed Mechanic,” [Loquat] Before the Momentum.
2. “Who Was I Kidding?” [Martha Wainwright] Martha Wainwright.
1. ” Put Me First,” [Sarah Dashew] Jealous Girl.