Poster boys for successful May-December relationships.
Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I’m a 28-year-old gay man. My boyfriend is 49. Yes, I am aware that technically he’s no longer a boy but I hate saying partner as it sounds too clinical. Any suggestions?
This is not a daddy complex on my part, nor is it a midlife crisis on his. We really love each other and have been together for years. The reason why I’m writing is because some of our friends have questioned us about a threesome. Obviously, as a younger man, I have less experience in this area while he, who served in the air force in the early 80s, has quite the impressive record both with men and women (and not one STD strangely!).
The last known survivor of Planet Studio 54. He is rumored to have retired to Fire Island, where he and his partner, Raoul, run a very successful, gay-friendly, B & B 😉
I know there are certain boundaries one must have and i’m well aware of his and my own. The question is, if we’re engaged in something with another person and either of us feels comfortable enough to cross one of those boundaries, how do you bring it up? I feel like it’s a possibility that should be discussed first since we’re not an “open” couple, but i don’t want to bog him down with details because let’s face facts: planned sex is dull sex.
For example, in the beginning, we agreed the third party would be there in voyeuristic and possibly touching form only. In fact, we did this once with a friend of his (who was too tired to “get it up” and just watched) and it went rather well.
Lately, though, we’ve thought about whether or not we’d include a blowjob or something in the mix. a full-on fuck fest is, so far, out of the question, which is fine by me. Depending on the other person, the blowjob doesn’t seem to be a problem. but without bringing it up in prior conversation with him, I’m not sure that I’d go through with it. I also don’t want to be engaged in something, have the possibility come up (so to speak), and have to make that “do you mind” face in the middle of everything. I believe he feels the same way, but as i said, i don’t want to talk about it so much that, if it happens, it ruins everything. I should also point out that aside from this, our sex life as a couple is beyond fantastic (i still get dizzy afterwards) and neither of us have any reason to complain. this is merely another way for us to express ourselves (god that sounded gay!). What do you think?
Don’t call me a “partner” guy
PS. Should you post this, i’m looking forward to the mix tape…
Monogomy is hot – feet are not. Ever.
I know you wrote a MUCH longer response, but this is Blogger World here buddy, otherwise known as Short Attention Span Theater, so I took what’s most important for your question(s) and cut the rest.
Welcome to the big time, cupcake.
Okay, let me tackle the easier one first. I don’t like the term “partner” either. Sounds like you’re dating a law firm. So here’s a list of other main-man-monikers:
“Let me introduce you to my lover.” – for the bold and the wanna-be French 😉
“Have you met the ol’ ball-n-chain?” – for when you’re feeling particularly hostile and passive-aggressive.
“I am so happy you’re going to meet my sugardaddy!” – to embrace the teenage escort in all of us.
“Have you seen my fiance? I can’t seem to find my fiance! Did the dingo eat my fiance?” – for those Seinfeld rerun afficionados.
“Oh, my husband and I are thrilled to come to your protest today.” – for when you’re feeling like giving the finger to the man for being, like, left out of that whole equal protection and representation thingy.
Sorry, I can’t offer anything better than that.
In terms of your other question, based on what your WHOLE letter said, I think your man is only agreeing to this threesome experimentation in order to keep you happy. He’s been there – done that, and lived to tell the tale in good health and humor. And if your sex life is as rocking as you say it is, I don’t know why you want to even take a chance on sabotaging a good thing. ESPECIALLY since you’re already breaking the two cardinal rules of relationships – not to mention of threesome activity:
1) Your Man States His Boundaries and You Ignore Them
Relationships that have a chance of lasting are the ones where you respect each other’s limits – and you don’t try to break that trust. You say in one sentence that you both have “rules” or “boundaries” very clearly stated, but then say “well, if there’s a moment when those boundaries get crossed.” You can’t have it both ways, kitten. People have rules for a reason: to avoid irreperable damage to one another.
2) Planned Sex May Be Dull Sex, but No Communication May Equal No Relationship
If you are going to venture beyond the safe harbor of your relationship, then you better write yourselves out a road map, because honey, once the party gets started, it’s the only chance you have in finding your way back home. Which is why I’m going to suggest you take a pass at the whole thing.
Why? Because you two aren’t cut out for it. And even with a road map of rules, I think in those kind of situations, things just happen, and even the best laid plans (ha ha) are difficult to follow.
Personally, I think there are some couples who can handle such arrangements because they have always been an open couple or they don’t feel posessiveness and jealousy when it comes to sex.
Now I know this is a VERY strange place to put in a word of advice in from my mother, but ironically it works for this situation. We had just finish watching that movie “The Ice Storm” and started talking about those lame 70s “key parties.” You know, when couples placed their keys in a bowl and picked up a different set – and partner – for the night? She said, “Everyone back then thought they had the answer. They could have their marriages and eat their cake too, so to speak. But you know what? Every one of those couples that were into that ended up divorcing within 5 years after. Because in the end, there was just too much jealousy and mistrust flying around for their relationships to handle.”
Ah, the 1970s…can’t you smell the sexy?
Now I don’t mean to impose my own heterosexual social constructs onto your relationship, Guy, but you too don’t really live an alternative lifestyle – you live like your typical married couple. Maybe that should be enough. Many people would cut off very useful limbs for what you two have together.
BTW, hope you like your mix – some you should know, others you may need to ask your Studio 54-surviving stud muffin:
10. “Good Boys,” [Blondie] The Curse of Blondie.
9. “No I in Threesome,” [Interpol] Our Love to Admire.
8. “Three,” [Massive Attack] Protection.
7. “Happy Ending,” [MIKA] Life in Cartoon Motion.
6. “Bizarre Love Triangle,” [New Order] Bizarre Love Triangle.
5. “Toxic,” [Britney Spears] Toxic EP
4. “Tainted Love,” [Soft Cell] Tainted Love.
3. “Bodyrock,” [Moby] Play & Play B Sides.
2. “She’s My Man,” [The Scissors Sisters] Ta-Dah.
1. “One Man Guy,” [Rufus Wainwright] Poses.