Dear Ms. Mix and Bitch,
This may sound straight out of Basic Instinct, or Single White Female, or some other similar thriller, but it’s all true, and not horrifying or terrible as one would imagine. I guess there’re just different reactions to it.
Several months ago I had a stalker. As with all stalkees, the only evidence I accumulated amounted only to reasonable suspicion. But anyway, I did have someone watching me. But I didn’t react in the normal movie sense: rather than get terrified or freaked out, I was attracted to her.
I knew her, and suspected it–I also had a strong crush on her. When finally I realized I may be right, and she began to be more aggressive, rather than tell her to stop, I told her that I “loved my stalker”, that I “wanted my stalker not to stop”, but just show that she was there “whoever she was”.
So we had a strange type of relationship: meeting openly with colleagues, and covertly going on dates (I would go to a movie, she would follow).
The more she covertly tracked me, the more I obsessed wanting to have actual direct-contact relationship with her. I tried and attempted so many times to “get her out in the open”, but she refused.
Finally it cut off. She was involved with someone else, I knew it even before I knew she was following me. When she “watched” me, I thought that it was okay, and tried as best I could to “attempt” to have a relationship with her. Fact was, she wanted to keep on “watching” me, but at the same time, she insisted she was involved. How could I reconcile the two? Whenever I know she stalks me, I’m driven to such a need to date her, propose to her, be her forever.
I can’t think about other people. Wistfully, I can look at one or two, but I can’t help thinking I might do something to her. Mix and Bitch, I am willing to have a relationship with her if she wants to, but if it’s impossible, why do I have the feeling she’s holding me back? How can I ask her straight off what she wants of me, needs of me, without hurting her? She avoids contact with me at all costs, but insists on watching me. If only I can know, I’m willing to do whatever she wants or needs, if only she’d tell me.
I’m left hanging, because I can’t understand. I don’t want to let go, because she might not want to let go, but at the same time, what am I not letting go of? Friendship? Relationship?
Is there something wrong with me? People normally freak out over this kind of thing. I love her stalking me, and obsess about wanting to have contact and relationship. What do I do?
Really seriously needing help,
Some dude from Stockholm
Dude, dude, dude, dude, DUDE.
There is so much going wrong here, I really don’t know where to begin.
I know men like mystery, and I can see why there was some allure for you in the beginning…but the minute you found out this woman (a) had a boyfriend, and (b) wasn’t interested in anything real with you, it should have been game over. But you got snared by the cat and mouse game here – to the point where you convinced yourself that her following you to a movie theater were real dates.
Maybe to some lonesome indie writer, this was a date (I can already see Parker Posie and Joaquin Phoenix starring in the low-budget, sleeper hit)…but trust me, DUDE…this was anything but…
TOP 5 CRITERIA TO CALL A CHANCE MEETING A DATE
5. Direct Communication
You actually TALK to one another beforehand and decide where to go TOGETHER.
4. Discretionary Income Disposal
You participate in the traditional courting custom of paying for your date’s movie ticket and popcorn.
3. Physical Proximity Radius
You and said date purposefully sit NEXT to each other throughout the movie date experience. Being in the same row doesn’t count buddy.
2. Mating Rituals Commencing On Varying Skill Levels
You endure the grueling – albeit adreneline charged ritual – of working up the nerve to actually touch your date during the movie that you’re not really watching at this point. If you’re old-fashioned, you go for the hand hold. If you’re a player-in-training, you gear up for a kiss – and if you’re a pig, you try to cop a feel.
1. Commencement Exercises
The date ends with you walking/driving/riding TOGETHER to your date’s home…yes, on HER turf…and saying goodnight. Extra bonus points if your date’s significant other isn’t waiting on the other side of the door.
You two are involved in something Ms. Mix here calls a predatory entanglement of the obsessive variety…which DEFINITELY qualifies as a problem. You need help. You need a lot of help. And what concerns me the most out of everything you said is that you can see yourself hurting her.
THIS IS NEVER OK. NEVER. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. DON’T BE THAT GUY.
It never turns out well for the scary, creepy, stalker violent guy.
My guess is that your whole view of women needs re-examining, not just this particular situation. Did you know that the Stockholm University has an entire psychology department waiting for you? They can either offer you counseling directly, or lead you to the proper authorities resources.
Please get help. Seriously. Because guess what Dude…a real relationship – as healthy as they come these days – is SO much better than this pseudo-fantasy island you are part of now. This sucks. And you know it, or you wouldn’t be writing to me.
10. “Stalker,” [Goldfinger] Disconnection Notice.
9. “Creep,” [Radiohead] Pablo Honey.
8. “Over the Hills and Far Away,” [Led Zeppelin] Mothership.
7. “Watching You Disappear,” [32 Leaves] Welcome to the Fall.
6. “Bottle Up and Go,” [Lead Belly] Where Did You Sleep Last Night?
5. “Over Now,” [Alice in Chains] Alice in Chains.
4. “Goodbye,” [Eddie Vedder] A Brokedown Melody: Music from the Motion Picture Soundtrack.
3. “Mind Games,” [John Lennon and Yoko Ono] Mind Games.
2. “Last Goodbye,” [Jeff Buckley] Grace.
1. “Every Breath You Take,” [The Police] Synchronicity.