Dude, Where’s My Counselor?

 

Dear Ms. Mix and Bitch,

This may sound straight out of Basic Instinct, or Single White Female, or some other similar thriller, but it’s all true, and not horrifying or terrible as one would imagine.  I guess there’re just different reactions to it.

Several months ago I had a stalker.  As with all stalkees, the only evidence I accumulated amounted only to reasonable suspicion.   But anyway, I did have someone watching me.  But I didn’t react in the normal movie sense: rather than get terrified or freaked out, I was attracted to her.

 

I knew her, and suspected it–I also had a strong crush on her.  When finally I realized I may be right, and she began to be more aggressive, rather than tell her to stop, I told her that I “loved my stalker”, that I “wanted my stalker not to stop”, but just show that she was there “whoever she was”. 

So we had a strange type of relationship: meeting openly with colleagues, and covertly going on dates (I would go to a movie, she would follow). 

The more she covertly tracked me, the more I obsessed wanting to have actual direct-contact relationship with her.  I tried and attempted so many times to “get her out in the open”, but she refused.

Finally it cut off.  She was involved with someone else, I knew it even before I knew she was following me.  When she “watched” me, I thought that it was okay, and tried as best I could to “attempt” to have a relationship with her.  Fact was, she wanted to keep on “watching” me, but at the same time, she insisted she was involved.  How could I reconcile the two?   Whenever I know she stalks me, I’m driven to such a need to date her, propose to her, be her forever.

I can’t think about other people.  Wistfully, I can look at one or two, but I can’t help thinking I might do something to her.  Mix and Bitch, I am willing to have a relationship with her if she wants to, but if it’s impossible, why do I have the feeling she’s holding me back?  How can I ask her straight off what she wants of me, needs of me, without hurting her?  She avoids contact with me at all costs, but insists on watching me.   If only I can know, I’m willing to do whatever she wants or needs, if only she’d tell me. 

I’m left hanging, because I can’t understand.   I don’t want to let go, because she might not want to let go, but at the same time, what am I not letting go of?  Friendship?  Relationship?

Is there something wrong with me?  People normally freak out over this kind of thing.  I love her stalking me, and obsess about wanting to have contact and relationship.   What do I do?

Really seriously needing help,
Some dude from Stockholm

Dear Dude,

Dude.

Dude, dude, dude, dude, DUDE.

There is so much going wrong here, I really don’t know where to begin.

I know men like mystery, and I can see why there was some allure for you in the beginning…but the minute you found out this woman (a) had a boyfriend, and (b) wasn’t interested in anything real with you, it should have been game over.  But you got snared by the cat and mouse game here – to the point where you convinced yourself that her following you to a movie theater were real dates.

Maybe to some lonesome indie writer, this was a date (I can already see Parker Posie and Joaquin Phoenix starring in the low-budget, sleeper hit)…but trust me, DUDE…this was anything but…

TOP 5 CRITERIA TO CALL A CHANCE MEETING A DATE

5. Direct Communication

You actually TALK to one another beforehand and decide where to go TOGETHER.

4. Discretionary Income Disposal

You participate in the traditional courting custom of paying for your date’s movie ticket and popcorn.

3. Physical Proximity Radius

You and said date purposefully sit NEXT to each other throughout the movie date experience. Being in the same row doesn’t count buddy.

2. Mating Rituals Commencing On Varying Skill Levels

You endure the grueling – albeit adreneline charged ritual – of working up the nerve to actually touch your date during the movie that you’re not really watching at this point.  If you’re old-fashioned, you go for the hand hold. If you’re a player-in-training, you gear up for a kiss – and if you’re a pig, you try to cop a feel.

1. Commencement Exercises

The date ends with you walking/driving/riding TOGETHER to your date’s home…yes, on HER turf…and saying goodnight.  Extra bonus points if your date’s significant other isn’t waiting on the other side of the door.

You two are involved in something Ms. Mix here calls a predatory entanglement of the obsessive variety…which DEFINITELY qualifies as a problem. You need help. You need a lot of help. And what concerns me the most out of everything you said is that you can see yourself hurting her.

THIS IS NEVER OK. NEVER. EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. DON’T BE THAT GUY.

It never turns out well for the scary, creepy, stalker violent guy.

My guess is that your whole view of women needs re-examining, not just this particular situation. Did you know that the Stockholm University has an entire psychology department waiting for you? They can either offer you counseling directly, or lead you to the proper authorities resources.

Please get help. Seriously. Because guess what Dude…a real relationship – as healthy as they come these days – is SO much better than this pseudo-fantasy island you are part of now. This sucks. And you know it, or you  wouldn’t be writing to me.

10. “Stalker,” [Goldfinger] Disconnection Notice.

  9. “Creep,” [Radiohead] Pablo Honey.

  8. “Over the Hills and Far Away,” [Led Zeppelin] Mothership.

  7. “Watching You Disappear,” [32 Leaves] Welcome to the Fall.

  6. “Bottle Up and Go,” [Lead Belly] Where Did You Sleep Last Night?

  5. “Over Now,” [Alice in Chains] Alice in Chains.

  4. “Goodbye,” [Eddie Vedder] A Brokedown Melody: Music from the Motion Picture Soundtrack.

  3. “Mind Games,” [John Lennon and Yoko Ono] Mind Games.

  2. “Last Goodbye,” [Jeff Buckley] Grace.

  1. “Every Breath You Take,” [The Police] Synchronicity.

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8 responses to “Dude, Where’s My Counselor?

  1. This is gonna sound dense… a follow-up: we had a mutual attraction, and I feel that it’s a desperate type of wanting to be close but can’t under the circumstances. Is there anyway I can approach her and tell her how I want something real (all or nothing) without antagonizing her? How can I tell her that it can’t work if it remains like this?

    I think that she probably wants a relationship, but just can’t find a way. I know, I’m seriously justifying her, but I need to find an alternative way to help her without going to extremes.

    What can I do to try to resolve it without escalating it to counseling, or “resources”, so to speak? Can’t I just find a way to reach to her? I could, I think I believe I could.

    P.S. Btw, the Stockholm bit comes from “Stockholm Syndrome”, of which I believe I have a variant of.

  2. Oh geez…I am tres dense this morning.

    I call them my blonde moments…sorry about thinking you were from Stockholm…that reference went right over my head.

    O.k….I know this was a mutual attachment, but it was one based on an illusion, not reality. You’ve worked up this woman to be something larger than life. You’ve said you want to love her, be with her forever…these are some questions I need you to think about:

    1) How does she handle stress?

    2) What side of the bed does she sleeps on?

    3) How does she feel about her family – are they close?

    4) When’s her birthday?

    5) What scares her in the middle of the night?

    6) Does she want children someday?

    7) What’s her favorite kind of music?

    8) What’s her idea of a perfect day?

    9) What gross habits does she have?

    10) Is she a giver or a taker?

    I bet you don’t know the answer to most or all of these questions, which means you don’t know her at all really…

    So you want to get closer, you say…for your peace of mind, write her a letter, saying you want to be with her, but don’t want to push or scare her away. Leave your phone number or email address in the letter and tell her it’s her move.

    If she contacts you and says she wants to start dating, then great.

    If she doesn’t answer back – or if she says she can’t for whatever reason – then you need to let this go. End of story.

    If after a few weeks, you find yourself still haunted by her – or even worse, thinking violent thoughts…then you really need to talk to someone about this. Really. Going to counseling is not an extreme…it’s a preventive measure to make sure things don’t go to extremes. Don’t be afraid of it…you set the pace, o.k?

    So that’s it. Go with God and be well, wherever you live ….

  3. Unfortunately, there’s more to it than that.

    You’re right about it, of course. She did give me a message that she was in a relationship, and that she hoped I would understand. I only acted the way I did because of her “cloak-and-dagger” ways. Plus the fact that when I asked her in an email whether she reciprocated some feelings, she said yes (in her way).

    I forgot to mention: she doesn’t just follow me, she somehow finds ways to get the message, whether through music she especially plays (I’m not making it up–I once heard a sequence of songs which I exactly requested of her before, from a random fast food store), or through graffiti on walls I pass by (again I’m not making that up–I DID see her name in subtle, cursive form after a message). She’s contacted friends, and people I know. During the “affair” I heard love songs everywhere, and when it broke off in a painful, tearing way, the music that greeted me always grated.

    I know it can’t work like this. Whenever I notice and discover that she’s still there, I can’t seem to think of other women; it would feel like infidelity. I know it’s not a right feeling, and I know I’ve created an ideal around her, precisely because I don’t know what she feels, and she would never openly tell.

    She probably thinks it best that we stay in some distance, but the fact that she’s still there trailing me somehow like I was a Mafia boss and she was Fed makes me think that unconsciously, she needs me close. This is a tough, tough “ace” to pull, but is there a possibility we could be acquaintances or something? Would that be better, or would it make things worse?

    This seems like a shot in the dark, but it somehow makes sense. I could FINALLY relieve the tension of not knowing if she’s okay, or whatever she needs, because I could finally give her what I believe she does need: connection. And it would help me, because I could finally disperse the mystery and really get to know the real her. It’s really the mystery which gets at me. The only drawback is the possible discomfort of her partner.

    Acquaintance, even if only through online messaging at the end of the day. Is it possible? Could it be possible? It seems the best solution.

  4. DUDE… that’s fuckin creepy!

  5. I’ve said my peace…the doc-in-training is done.

  6. Is it just me or is the stalkee a little scarier than the stalker in this situation?

    And would it be rude to suggest adding Sarah McLachlan’s “Possession”?

  7. An excellent suggestion – sorry I didn’t think of it.

  8. Curious Hair Girl,

    I do admit, I WAS eccentric (i.e. “intellectual”, as in Arrested Development type eccentric) to begin with… and when I found her, I thought for once I HAD a kindred soul… two eccentric, and I thought oft-misunderstood souls, stumbling to each other. That’s why I wanted to hang on to her as much as possible… it felt like only once in a blue moon do you find someone who understands your humor or ideas without having to explain extensively.

    I thought two things: one, finally here was someone I had been looking for a long time; two, that here was a stalker that wasn’t so Hollywood stereo-typed, she was a person after all, that I could reach out to her and have real contact with her. It felt both a romantic affair and a personal crusade. After all this time, finally, I get to realize, that I really, honestly, couldn’t do anything… I couldn’t reach her, maybe never again, and the failure was both ideal and personal.

    Oh, and I think Possession is perfect, though “Hate That I Love You So” was her song to me.

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