Nice Guys Finish Last?

niceguy21.jpg Nice guy image by VomHeldenhaft


Dear Ms. Mix and Bitch,

I’m an idealist.  I believe in relationships, and not partnerships.  I mean, I don’t want to find someone who looks at me only to fit in a jigsaw puzzle (fits in his/her life), or who’s just after me to fulfill some utility (be some good father).  I’m after the one who treasures me as me and not as what I can do for them. 

I believe in happy ever afters, and butterflies and gardens and Paris magic.  I believe in real commitment, and not just one-time gratification.

Is something wrong with me?

I feel like I’ve set the bars too high and I’ve become too paralyzed to cross the line.   People I know who’d go out there just for the “one night stands” and who break hearts more than they care, are the ones who get the most relationships.   Those people I know who do care about their relationships get trampled in the dust or abused and some such.  It’s rarely I see happy, healthy couples.

breakup1.jpg girl breaking up image by Mrwendle

And I look at myself, and find there really is two sides of me:  as much as I want to be this perfect person who sees people in all their goodness, with only good thoughts, there’s this other side which is just… human.   And as much as I want to visualize that people go after the ones that are really meaningful, in reality they’re just after utility.

Am I wrong?  Do I ask too much of the other person?  Should I be as reckless as the people that have actually succeeded?  How do I get balance?

Do nice guys really finish last?
Hopeless Idealist


Dear Idealist,

Do nice guys finish last? That’s a question for the ages – and one still hotly debated.  So, I’m going to do you a favor and cut to the chase: yes and no.  Let me elaborate…

piratescabinetsandtanks005.jpg Who has two thumbs and loves nerdy pirate ship games?  THIS GUY! image by mjayt23

Top 5 Reasons Nice Guys Finish Last

5.  They go to pick up spots, like clubs or bars, thinking they’re going to find a serious-minded dream girl. 

As I’ve said before: going to a bar to find a serious relationship is about as pointless as going to a swinger’s club just looking to “talk.”  If you go to places catering to a one-night-stand mentality, then that’s usually what you’re going to find. Get out of the clubs, Hopeless Idealist. The music sucks there anyways.

4.  They’re not drawn to “nice” girls. 

This one kills me…when a guy is lamenting over not finding “the one,” yet proceeds time and time again to be attracted to player women (that’s right fellas, there are PLENTY of women out there just looking to fuck you and walk away).  If that’s the case for you, then perhaps you’re not as ready for a real relationship as you think you are…in that case, get some therapy.

3.  They only want a woman with “model” looks.

Another one that just slays me everytime…when some nebbish  (meaning a nerdy/annoying type in Yiddish)of a guy is only drawn to the model/porn girl-looking women.  If this is true, then drop the porn mag, let go of your dick, and proceed to slap yourself across the face as many times as it takes to snap you back into reality.  And also, congratulations…for being another mindless drone in the gerbil wheel of a misogynistic, objectifying media culture that wouldn’t know real sensuality and sexiness if it bit them on their flea-infested asses. I’m not saying all beautiful women are unidimensional – far from it.  But to only be drawn to beauty for its own sake is not how more serious-minded relationships are born.  It’s also a painfully obvious red flag that someone who needs an over-the-top looker feels crappy about themselves – as if having someone stunning on your arm eliminates the other’s own fugly-ness.  If only…

2.  They look like they get ready for their day in the dark.

I’m not saying you have to look like you’ve walked right out of a Calvin Klein ad, but for God sakes, clean up.  Make sure you’re dressing as nice as you can comfortably afford…and in an age-appropriate fashion.  You’re a big boy – wash your clothes, iron your shirts, get a hot looking haircut, and don’t overload on the cologne.  And do me and lots of other women a favor – lose the knit shirts and Docker pants. So many men use this as their uniform for life, and it’s boring me to tears.  If you need some help, have a female friend come shopping with you (NOT your mother) or ask a saleswoman for some help.  They work on commission – make them earn it.

1. They lack confidence.

Nothing is more of a deterrant for a woman than a needy or insecure guy. Might as well spray repellant all over your body and hold up a sign, yelling “Please Hurt Me!”

 Now, onto the good news 😉

nerds.png YES IMMA NERD image by Purdypink0101

Top 5 Reasons Nice Guys Finish First.

5. They spend their spare time away from bars and in more relationship-friendly venues.

Now, I’m not saying the only way to find a girlfriend is to sculk your local library everyday, but why don’t you take (for example) that diving course you’ve always wanted to take, or get involved in the political party or church/synagogue/mosque/pagan coven of your choice?  Find what interests you, and you’ll find real women of interest to you.

4. They were set up.

An old cliche, but so true…friends tend to pick their friends fabulous people to go out with…

3.  They don’t look for perfection, they look for someone perfect for them.

I think this statement speaks for itself.

2.  They know how to court a woman.

There are ways to romance the one you want without going overboard.  If unsure about how, ask a good girl/friend or a female relative close to your age. The phone call right after a good first date, for starters.  The occasional “just because” offering…you get the idea.

1. Confidence. Confidence. Confidence.

Not to be confused with arrogance.  A kind, confident guy – who shows genuine interest in his hopeful lady love – yet still have his own life and friends, is as much of an afrodiasiac as anything. This one’s tricky, because you really have to be secure with who you are in order to pull this one off successfully. Otherwise, most women can smell a phony a mile away. 

Listen, finding true love is tough. No question. And I’m not so naive as to say to you that there aren’t women out there just looking for their “resume partner” – meaning, they look for men that are more like business partners than soul mates.

You’re asking for balance, but you only mention extremes in your letter.  Not ALL relationships end in disaster. Not EVERYONE is looking for a one-night-stand.  You mentioned how you’re pulled by these two sides of you…the nice guy looking for his girl, and the boy who sometimes just wants to get laid.  Guess what? There’s nothing wrong with either side…you just need to be honest with yourself about what you really want right now.  If you need to go through a phase of sleeping around, then by all means, go to the clubs and bars. I’m sure you will find what you crave. When you’re ready for the real thing, then you’ll eventually find it.

couples-1.jpg couples image by xoxlillygurloxo

One more thing…a dose of reality. Not only do you need balance in what you want right now, but in your view of what makes a “real” relationship.  Yes, you should have Paris magic and butterflies and unicorns and all that crap…the endorfin high of courtship is heady stuff and everyone deserves it.  But that’s only the beginning stuff…after a while, especially in a marriage, that fades and hopefully you’re left with a partner who still turns you on, is your best friend, AND is a good life partner.  A woman who helps you in building a life together. 

In a nutshell: Find yourself. Be yourself.

10. “Assholes,” [The Damnwells] Bastards of the Beat.

  9. “Caring is Creepy,” [The Shins] Oh, Inverted World.

  8. “Ghost Ship Waiting,” [Mojave 3] Puzzles Like You.

  7. “I’m Not the Guy,” [Dan Bern] Dan Bern.

  6. “(I Am) What I Am Not,” [Idlewild] The Remote Part.

  5. “Melt My Heart to Stone,” [ADELE] 19.

  4. “Pitseleh,” [Elliott Smith] XO.

  3. “Ready or Not,” [Polly Paulusma] Fingers and Thumbs.

  2. “Rest, Shame, Love,” [Augustana] Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt.

  1. “She’s Mine,” [Brett Dennen] So Much More.


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