Heroin for the Holidays


     Lox Bagels

I know, I know…you were expecting a sexier photo spread. Something reminiscent of that ridiculous heroin chic trend back in the nineties.  Well, sorry kitten, but while the WASPs covet their scotch, my drug of choice has always been food. Particularly Jewish food.

For those of you who are not blessed to be a member of the tribe, or who don’t live in any metropolitan city (where Jews seem to congregate most), you may not know what you’re missing.

So allow me to illuminate you…

Matzoh Ball Soup

Screw all that antioxidant-rich, vitamen C laden rabbit food. You want a cure for what’s ailing you, eat a bowl of chicken matzoh ball soup. It cures the common cold, eases the pain of sinus infections, and is just plain-goddamm yummy delicious. I myself happen to make the best matzoh ball soup on the planet (a close second was the soup at Stage Deli in NYC). And since you’ve humored me by reading this far down, I’ll share a secret with you: don’t use whole eggs in your matzoh meal mix when making the balls. Beat the egg whites until the mixture thickens and use that.  For color, you can add a dollop of mixed egg yolks, but that’s it!

Pastrami and Corned Beef on Rye with Chopped Liver and Onions

Sounds like a heart attack on a plate, doesn’t it? Well, it is, which is why I only eat one of these orgasmic monstrocities when I come into the city (that’s New York, folks – there is only one city).

My particular drug pusher of choice for the aforementioned delight is Carnegie Deli. The staff is rude and the decor is reminiscent of bad 60s diner kitsch – and it’s cash only – but Jesus Frickin’ Christ, they have the best deli on the planet. My eyes literally roll to my back of my head while eating one of these things.  And it is its own entity because it’s so huge (us Jews don’t believe in small portions). 

Oh course, I also hear that Katz’s Deli on the Lower East Side is quite an experience too (I plan on taste testing for myself on my next visit), but for now Carnegie rules…oh, and don’t forget to order some of their cheesecake. It really is a slice of silken, creamy delicious heaven. Oh and David? If you want to order me their cheesecake for my upcoming birthday (that’s May 26, BTW for the rest of the readers), I am totally open to that 🙂  Yes folks, they deliver. How great is this country?

Gefilte Fish

Not only do most gentiles I know can’t stomach the sight, smell or taste of this fishy concoction, but frankly, most of the Jews I know would rather take a pass as well. It’s consider the haggis of all Jewish foods. And I don’t get it. Not in the slightest. How can anyone pass on a mixture of karp, pike, and God-knows what else and have it swim in a gelatinous goo? O.k., I can’t stand the mucousy looking glop either, but I sure love gefilte fish. It usually only makes an appearance in Jewish homes around Passover, but I actually eat it all year long. I can’t make this myself – I am a good, but limited cook who would prefer to only be in the kitchen quarterly for holiday grub time – but when I buy it, I only buy Mrs. Adlers. The Manischevitz brand sucks uncircumcised weinis, so don’t bother. So, there’s that.


Beef Brisket

My mother makes the most succulent, tender brisket I have ever had in my life. That’s not so easy because brisket is one of those meats that can get dried out and stringy without much effort at all. She finally gave me the recipe a few years ago, but I have yet to perfect it. I think the only way I’m gonna learn is to watch her make one from scratch, which means I’ll be waiting awhile ’cause Mama don’t cook no more kids. She’s retired – and way over slaving over a hot stove. Can’t say I blame her.

So here’s my Passover holiday mix for everyone. Have a good one!


1. “The Poor, the Fair, and the Good,” [Silver Jews] Tanglewood Numbers

2. “When the Sun Goes Down,” [Artic Monkeys] Whatever People I Am, That’s What I’m Not.

3. “What I Like About Jews,” [Adam and Andrew] Earection.

4. “They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore,” [Kinky Friedman and The Texas Jewboys] From One Good American to Another.

5. “Holiday,” [Green Day] Holiday (Single).



5 responses to “Heroin for the Holidays

  1. “the city (that’s New York, folks – there is only one city)”

    Agreed, but the proper way to put it is “The City.” All caps. Everyone knows that!

  2. Wow, you’ve got all sorts of venom to spew today…

    It’s called a typo…cool down there puppy. Go to your happy place.

  3. I keep returning to this post just so I can look at the yummy picture of the bagel ‘n’ lox. And capers… mmmm…. one of my all-time favorite meals that I would never have discovered had I not moved to “The City”!!!

  4. You call that comment ‘venom’? Sounds a mite overly sensitive to me. Still points at the attempt at deflection, even if it was name-calling and a patronizing pat on the head.

  5. Having had the honour of tasting La Nonnie’s brisket…I must say…you are not exaggerating.

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