Dear Ms. Mix and Bitch,
I’m writing to you because my 13-year-old daughter is completely obsessed with Justin Timberlake. She has been a huge fan of his since she was nine years old. As she has gotten older, however, it has become more and more of a center in her life. She spends all her money on his memorabilia, she scours gossip magazines for any news on his love life, and I even found an entire notebook filled with her writing “Mrs. Justin Timberlake.” I understand that girls get their crushes, but should I be concerned?
Signed, Fed Up Mom
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the many faces of Justin Timberlake.
Actually, after looking through a few dozen photos of him, I’ve come to the conclusion that he really only has these three facial expressions. I guess your daughter is into consistency, if not actual taste.
Some are going to say I’m taking this one too lightly. But my response to you, Fed Up Mom, and to the rest of yous is…
She’s 13. She’s supposed to be ridiculous and obsessed and inappropriate. And in the case of loving Justin, she is COMPLETELY inappropriate and is guaranteed late teen embarassment shortly.
My God, when I was her age, I would’ve jerked off the entire D-squared road crew for a shot at Duran’s bass player, John Taylor. Of course, they would have smacked me away and just finished themselves off because I had not a clue as how to tame the trouser dragons at that age.
(Ms. M & B Confession # 21: I also had notebooks full of my “Mrs. John Taylor” signature PLUS dozens of sketchpads of JT’s beloved well-chiseled mug. My hands were charcoaled and sore, but my heart was pure and my hymen was intact. Ah, the good ol’ days)
Which brings me to my next point, F.U.M: at least she’s just daydreaming about tweaker bleached blonde tools like Timberlake instead of actually doing any of the real thing with the stellar boys sculking around your town. It could be much worse. MUCH MUCH worse.
Also, what she’s doing is completely developmentally appropriate….young teenage girls fantasize and role play with unattainable, often adrogynous boys in order to psychologically prepare themselves for the real deal. Which is the only thing that can possibly explain the popularity of Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett and Scott Baio in one single-fell swoop. Boys who look and act more like chicks with dicks are less intimidating than, let’s say, more masculine choices such as Rick James or Loverboy (I kid, really…sorry about all the warped 70s and 80s references. Scream of conscious thing really…Justin’s called the white Michael Jackson. Which makes me remember the REAL Michael Jackson when he was black. Black makes me think of all cool pop culture references from the 1970s, which then makes me lament that I first peaked during the Age-of-the-Dayglow-Shoulderpad-Jackets, MIchael J. Fox, and Ralph Macchio a.k.a. the 80s….sigh.)
So Frankie Says Relax, and so does Ms. Mix and Bitch. When the boys start crawling through her bedroom window for a quickie, call me.
10. “I Know What Boys Like,” [The Waitresses] The Waitresses Greatest Hits. (There was only one song on here)
9. “Somebody’s Watching Me,” [Rockwell] Somebody’s Watching Me. (Yeah, someone’s watching me on VH1’s One Hit Wonders)
8. “Goody Two Shoes,” [Adam Ant] Friend or Foe. (Talk about chicks with dicks!)
7. “I Was Made for Dancing,” [Leif Garrett] I Was Made for Dancing. (And for undercover cop arrests at Hollywood and Vine for posession, intent to distribute, yada yada).
6.”I Do What I Do (To Have You),” [John Taylor] 9 1/2 Weeks Motion Picture Soundtrack. (Sad to say, but I really do own this one, and I know all the words too).
5. “Always Something There to Remind Me,” [Naked Eyes] Fumbling with the Covers.
4. “Cry Me a River,” [Justin Timberlake] Justified. (Nah, it doesn’t really go with this mix, but I still laugh at the video with the cheatin’ Britney look-alike. Remember kids after that one, when we all thought HE was the crazy one for this lil’ revenge art piece? Who knew.)
3. “Come on Eileen,” [Dexy’s Midnight Runners] Searching for the Young Soul Rebels. (And some fashion sense. They were the Appalachian kissin cuzin crew all wearing dirty overalls in their video. This is MTV kids – TAKE A SHOWER).
2. “I Want Candy,” [Bow Wow Wow] Bow Wow Wow. (Everyone made a big stink over the lead singer, who was like 14 or something at the time, but I never really got what all the fuss was about. I felt that way about MANY 80s “artists” even at the time.” Except for my boyz..
1. “Save a Prayer,” [Duran Duran] Rio. (This is still one of my favorite “albums” of all times. This and their Planet Earth release. After that, they kinda lost me, but oh well…”some people call it a one-night-stand, but we can call it paradise.”)