Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I’ve got a situation with my girlfriend. I want us to be more sexually adventurous, and she’s more of the garden-variety missionary-position girl. I really like her. She’s a sweetheart and a genuine person. I really value that, especially considering my more sexually adventurous exes were also tramps that had no problem fucking every steel rod in a 5 block radius. So I want this to work. A lot.
But she looks at me like I’m nuts when I’ve tried to get her to do some of the things I want. I know you like lists, Ms. Bitch, so here’s my top 5 of what I want her to do to me:
5. Teabag Me While Giving Me Head.
4. Let Me in the Back Door. I Promised Her I’d Be Gentle.
3. Go to a Swingers’ Club Together.
2. Do It in Public Places
1. Have Her Dress Up Like Wonder Woman and Let Her Interrogate Me for Hours.
How do I get her to open up? Signed, Horny Bastard.
Well, I think your list tops any list I could ever come up with! No one can ever accuse you of not knowing what you like…
Alright cowboy, here’s my short answer: sexual compatability is crucial to a relationship. And while I do believe some two-steppin’ miscalculations can be rectified with time and patience, there’s something essential that’s needed in order to make that happen.
Your partner must be open to your magic carpet ride. And it sounds like she’s not even close.
I promise you, in time, you will resent the hell out of her for it and start exhibiting the same nefarious behaviors as your amoral exes.
Sorry to be the one to have to break that to you, stud. You are obviously an open-minded, adventurous, sex-positive, fabulous freak show of a man. Good for you. And I totally get your desire for a loyal partner as well. And for some reason, finding both is often elusive.
I remember back in college, I knew this crazy-beautiful couple (they lived in the apartment above mine) that had a semi-open relationship. She was bi-sexual and he was a womanizing whore. They decided they had these “rules” in their relationship – that the only way he could be with another woman was if they “had” her together.
Seemed like a purr-fect compromise for these postmodern poster children, right? Wrong again, sugar-pie.
Because sure enough, on the rare occassion she was gone for more than 24 hours, that asswipe would start hunting for pussy faster and more voraciously than a pig on a truffle farm.
What’s my point? My point is, when you run with a crowd constantly pushing the envelope of sexuality – it’s nearly impossible to expect them to conform to any sort of societal boundaries. They also view having multiple sex partners as “no big deal” – as long as the love relationship with you is intact.
I know you know this already. I think it bears repeating because you are going to have to make a choice:
(1) Live within the beige interior fabric of sexuality dictated by your current girlfriend (who has EVERY right to feel the ways she does, BTW) and figure out a way to temper your own subversive desires.
(2) Go back to the women more open and familiar to your own sexual proclivities and just accept the fact that they’re going to stray like bitches in heat.
O.k., the first two options suck. But there’s a third:
(3) Hold out for finding the woman who wants almost all the same things you want: boundless sex and binding loyalty.
Whichever way you go, just remember this: your most ideal partner is someone who loves you for who you are and yet still inspires you to reach your full potential.
Here’s a shortened mix for you, BTW…sorry Sonific…I’ll keep you on for background, but you don’t have enough offerings for me to give my music mixes justice.
5. “Wonder Woman,” [Katie Todd Band] Make Some Time for Wasting.
4. “Teabag Blues,” [Boiled Buzzards] Early Bird Special.
3. “No I in Threesome,” [Interpol] Our Love to Admire.
2. “Served Faithfully,” [Ani DiFranco] Imperfectly.
1. “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” [U2] The Joshua Tree.