Hey Joe, Where You Going with that Gun in Your Hand?


lovers.jpg lovers image by Methical

Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,    

I’m not writing a whole speech here. Just tell me from a woman’s point of view: how do I know for sure if my girlfriend is cheating on me or not?  Because I think she is, and I’m going crazy just thinking about her with another guy.  – Unsigned.”

Dear Joe (for those Hendrix fans out there, you’ll get the reference),

Since you’re a proponent of brevity, I’ll try to keep this short (although those who know me believe I’m incapable of such crazy antics).

I’m a big believer in instincts, so if you think she’s cheating, she probably is…or if not actually dirtying someone else’s sheets, then quite unhappy and being consoled by someone who wants to climb up her tree (recently coined by pop psychology as emotional infidelity).

lovers.jpg lovers image by emilymaxwell_10

Either way, it sucks, and I am truly sorry you are going through this.

While everyone is different, there are (of course) some signs. These are nothing new buckaroo, but you asked:

Top Ten Signs Your Partner is Cheating

(or at Least on their Way)

10. She’s Distant When You’re Close

When you’re in bed together, does she avoid looking at you, or kissing you? The eyes are truly the mirrors into the soul – and if she’s thinking about someone else, your girlfriend doesn’t want you to see that. Also, it’s harder for her to imagine being with him if she’s staring at you. Of course, another sign is if she has stopped sleeping with you altogether and says “no reason – just a phase.”

9. The Devil Wears Prada

No one supports an image make-over more than I, but if she’s suddenly wearing that killer black dress to go to the movies with “girlfriends” (instead of her usual T-shirt and jeans) or getting all dolled up to “run errands,” it’s not guaranteeing she’s meeting someone else, but it doesn’t look good either. Even if she is…

8. Imaginary Friends

It’s always great to make new friends, but if she suddenly has a new fan club that your woman doesn’t introduce you to, that’s also no good. Add to your suspicions if she’s sketchy on the details of her outings with them. Here’s a little After-School Special segment for educational pleasure:

8429085250377.jpg the after-school special image by carlosrvra

Starring You as:  Buck-the-Schmuck

And Your Girlfriend As: Allison Lame-Ass-Alibi.

“So babe, what movie did you and your friends see?”

Pause, “Oh, I don’t know. Something stupid.”

Now your turn to pause, “You don’t remember the name of the movie you just saw?”

Exaasperated sigh, “It was that new one with Brad Pitt.”

“I thought that doesn’t come out for another 2 weeks.”

Another awkward pause, “Oh, uh…it was a special preview night. Wasn’t even advertised. So-and-so got some tickets through her work. I don’t want to talk about the movie anymore. So how was YOUR night?”

You get the picture.

liar.jpg LiAR image by NickandTyson

7. That’s Her Story and She’s Sticking to It. Sort Of.

And hers are all messed up. Does she tell you a whole elaborate story about an evening out without you, but then later on seems to forget some parts of the tall tale? If you keep telling lies, it become harder to keep track of them all…and even the most sociopathic creatures will screw up their stories eventually. And don’t let her get away with playing dumb or saying “hey I was drunk.” That works once, but if it’s a pattern, then puhleeze, give me a break.

6.  She’s Playing Defense – Badly

When you ask her questions about her day or whatever, does she suddenly get hyper-defensive and tell you to back off? Does she try to turn the tables on you? If she was the kind of girl who used to revel in your attention, and is now easily offended by all your questions, she’s hiding more than a playbook from you, my tight end.

time.jpg TIME image by kikim4

5. Where Did the Time Go?

Or in other words, does she have blocks of unaccounted for time – and if she does, do they seem to follow a pattern? If your honey can’t be found anywhere near the hive every Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm – 8pm – and you can’t reach her by phone – she’s more than likely hiding something from you. And while I’d love to think she’s moonlighting as a waitress or something to make enough dough to buy you that 500-inch flat screen you’ve been craving for your birthday, I stopped visiting Never Never Land a long time ago – and you probably should too.

4.  Mean Girls

Once she thought you were God’s special gift made especially for her. Now, she’s dissing you almost constantly – and in public too. Even if she wasn’t hung up on someone else, she’s obviously disrespecting you in ways totally unacceptable. I don’t care how badly you want to hold onto someone, tell her to cut it out. Because you can’t expect to be respected if you let her treat you like crap.

3. Whatcho Talking about Willis?

Does  she bring up the topic of infidelity more often now? Not about hers, mind you, but about the concept in general? Or does she talk about something going on with her cheating friend a lot more  (extra red flag if it’s a friend you don’t know).  If so, she may actually be feeling you out, trying to gauge your reaction if you did find out about her affair.

2. Caller ID

In my opinion, one of the single most brilliant inventions of the 20th century…also a good way to find out who’s calling your girl.  I know this is snooping, and MANY would advocate against it, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. Just be prepared for what you find.

1. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Ask her point blank: Are you seeing someone else?

Most likely she’ll deny it, but you need to ask her anyway. Because maybe the truth is that she’s not screwing around behind your back, but she is unhappy and looking for momentary escapes away from your troubles. By asking her, you may open the door to talk about what’s really going on between you two.

Because infidelity is rarely about the third wheel exclusively…he or she is just a symptom of what is or is not happening in your own relationship. I think once in a while – like Lotto winning-odds – you meet someone outside your relationship that you are truly meant to be with…

If she admits to cheating on you, then you need to decide if you want to fight for her or let her go. Just make sure to bring up these delicate issues as calmly as you can…because if you go in there guns blazing, you’re just going to pick a fight no matter what the truth is…

 Good luck, whatever happens.




2 responses to “Hey Joe, Where You Going with that Gun in Your Hand?

  1. Infidelity is never an easy thing to deal with…it hurts. What’s worse is NOT KNOWING THE TRUTH! For most, knowing the truth beats living a lie.

    Virginia Private Investigator

  2. Wholeheartedly agree…as you must know from your line of work.

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