“Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
Your blog totally rocks – I LOVE YOU. I’ve got one for you – not a biggie, but it bothers me a little.
I am currently with a really great guy named Jasper. I am so in love with him! I can’t believe this is really happening to me. We were friends for years before we became involved. During that time, we really went through the shits in our relationships. I am happy to say I’ve moved on from my past. However, so much about Jasper still reaks of his past loves.
He’s in a band and has songs on his playlist from the times spent with those girls. The thing that gets me the most is his tattoo – actually, a couple of them, from his ex-wife, Risa. There’s her name in big goth letters across his back and her face is on his inner thigh. So everytime he’s sleeping, I see her name glaring at me like a neon sign saying “He’s Still Mine Bitch – Back Off.” Every time I go down on him, I see her staring back at me. I have to either keep my eyes closed or position myself in such a way so I can’t see her face in my face.
Don’t get me wrong, I love tats hard core – and I really get their importance in marking your life. I have MANY myself. But these are just too much. Especially since I was the one holding his hand while his wife was fucking around behind his back. I defended him to all our friends when she spread lies about him. I even kept my mouth shut when she got pregnant and EVERYONE suspected it wasn’t even his baby (she ended up having a miscarriage, which was actually sad).
I talked to Jasper about it, and he said while he’s happy to take her name off his back (he regrets doing that anyway), he won’t get the portrait removed. He says it’s because Kat Von D did it while he was on a tour spot in L.A., and she’s a big deal in the tattoo world. He also said that while his marriage was a disaster, that tat reminded him of a happy time, and he doesn’t want to erase everything about Risa. I guess I should just be happy with the compromise, but it burns in me. I’m trying to let this go, but I can’t. What should I do?”
I want you to take a look at this picture…
When you look at this – do you think of Jasper holding you – or grasping onto Risa?
Because that’s what you’re really struggling with here. Some will say that to be involved with an artist means you live with a houseful of ghosts…and I think that’s true to a point. Many of my dear friends are creative – as am I – and I know we have a slew of alternative universes running through our heads at any time.
This is not comforting.
I myself am not a jealous type…but on the rare occassion where it does flare up like a bad case of the crabs, it was usually because I sensed in my partner some very real, lingering attachments. Even if Risa is no longer a part of Jasper’s life, you hate to think of him dwelling on her – or even worse – fantasizing about her while sleeping with you. It’s enough to make anyone sick to her stomach.
My advice is not to focus so much on the tattoo…direct your attention instead to a heart-to-heart with Jasper about Risa. You have an advantage in the sense that you two have been friends for so long that he can’t bullshit you as easily as he could a usual lover. Don’t accuse him of anything…just be calm and real about what’s going on in your head. Don’t talk about his tat (because you’re right, he has compromised) – talk about his feelings and lingering issues with Risa. Only then will you start thinking of Jasper as truly yours – and not some marked man with you on borrowed time.
PS – If you discover that he’s pining away for her big time,
write back and we’ll tackle that one next time.
PPS – To all readers….music mixes can now be found on the sidebar 🙂