“Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
So for a long time, I was bored with my sex life, and the vanilla guys I was meeting too, until a friend of mine started introducing me to a more “underground” scene. At first, I got more of a voyeuristic kick out of it. I’d watch people have group sex, I would see people getting tied up, the whole 9.
At some of these events, I’d see this guy there…not necessarily good looking, but definitely intense and intriguing. There was something about him that snared me. Eventually, we started talking and meeting on our own outside these events. The first couple of times we just had coffee, but then he started orchestrating more of a seduction of sorts. I say “of sorts” because none of them actually led to sex. For example, he would book an expensive hotel room, but he didn’t make a move. He just asked if he could feed me dinner (I let him). Or another time, he hired someone to give me a massage at his house, but only watched and whispered in my ear what he wanted to do to me (in three languages no less).
Just when I thought I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, he finally told me that he wants us to be lovers, wants me to be a major part of his life – but only if I’ll submit to him through Japanese rope bondage. I told him I had to think about it, and then went home and looked it up online to see what the hell he’s talking about.
So now I need to decide what I want. The truth is, I’ve been a tourist in this whole scene. If I commit and submit to him, then I’m in it. Part of me is excited to cross that line, but then there’s another part of me afraid to go there. What do you think?”
Signed, “Roped In”
Dear Roped In,
Well, you and I already have something in common: I too had to look up “Japanese rope bondage” online. But before we get into that buttercup, you must figure a few things first:
1. Are you really into this guy?
Because if not, then stop reading and break it off.
2. Are you into the idea of being a submissive?
Because whatever sort of rope tricks he’s into doesn’t really matter if you can’t see yourself being dominated in almost every way. I have heard that within BDSM communities that submissives actually consider themselves more in charge, but since this isn’t my world, I can’t see that. Perhaps talk to your gate-keeper/key master pal who introduced you to this scene in the first place and ask her – and your almost lover – about the “rules.” Don’t pretend to know what you don’t…my guess is that one of the reasons he was drawn to you is because you’re “fresh meat” so to speak.
3. Does this guy (and the scene he represents) align with your life goals?
You didn’t give me anything about you to go by, but if you’re looking for the traditional white picket fence dream, then Mr. Eyes Wide Shut may not exactly be ready for the PTA bake sale, if you get my meaning.
4. Get the 411
On this guy…what’s his reputation? Does your friend know anything about him? I don’t take gossip as gospel, but you’re not playing in the vanilla bean fields anymore sugar plum. So get a native to this strange land of yours to talk to you frankly, o.k?
I also suggest you read up a bit, because if this man’s that into Japanese rope bondage – enough to make it a precondition in your relationship – then it’s probably a good idea to read the handbook. Of course going online offers quite a wealth of info…but I suggest going to an expert (see? I did some research for you already). Mistress Midori has a website and books on the subject. I suggest you do your homework. In the end, only you can make this choice. My guess is that you’re going in head first, because he has been seducing you in a most calculated and effective fashion from the moment you’ve met. So make this a conscious decision…might be your last act of free will for quite a while…
10. “Pretty Tied Up (The Perils of Rock and Roll Decadence),” [Guns N’ Roses] Use Your Illusions II.
9. “Rope’d Party (Neg Neo Supermix),” [Reformation/Deformation] Reformation/Deformation.
8. “Meet Your Master,” [Nine Inch Nails] Year Zero.
7. “Mondo Bondage,” [The Tubes] The Tubes.
6. “She’s Lost Control,” [Joy Division] Permanent.
5. “Bruises,” [Gene Loves Jezebel] Promises.
4. “Master and Servant,” [Depeche Mode] Catching Up with Depeche Mode.
3. “Someone Must Get Hurt,” [She Wants Revenge] She Wants Revenge.
2. “Pain,” [Alice Cooper] Flush the Fashion.
1. “Kinky Sex Makes the World Go ‘Round,” [Dead Kennedys] Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death.