“Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I used to be kind of a slut. All through my 20s, I thought of myself as a younger version of Samantha from “Sex and the City” and explored my sexuality to the fullest. For the most part, I had a good time, but after a while, it got old.
After my 30th birthday, I decided a different approach…I was going to go for love this time around, which meant I wasn’t going to sleep with a guy until we both felt that this could be “it.” It took me a couple of years to find him, but then I met “Jack.” He’s tall, smart, good-looking, kind – and NOT a player either. We knew this was it – and he understood my desire to wait.
So, finally we have sex…and that’s when my heart sunk. Not only does he not thrill me with his technique, but he has a small cock too. I know technique is something we can work on, but it’s not like he can change the size of his penis. And how do I bring this stuff up? I sorta screwed myself over by faking during sex, so he thinks our sex life is great. What do I do now?”
Signed, Bored Stiff
Whew, quite a doozsey you handed me here – and right in time for Valentine’s Day! O.k., so first off, congratulations on outgrowing the whole “Sex and the City” identity crisis – which while an entertaining show is nevertheless the biggest load of horseshit in terms of socially reconstructed female identity. Anyway, I digress.
Talking woman to woman, we have all been in your situation…crazy about someone who – for one reason or another – underperforms in bed*. But you’re right, technique can be taught…but nothing will get better if you continue to fake it. I don’t suggest you tell him you did that, BTW, because that one is hard (pardon the pun) for men to recover from. I do suggest you never fake again – and be open about what you do like in bed. And remember, share your likes with love – don’t come off like a traffic cop.
As far as you boyfriend’s little man tate, all I can tell you is that no one gets everything they want in a partner. Using your show as a reference, look at what happened to Charlotte…
Hubby #1 was perfect on paper, but either couldn’t get it up or couldn’t get
on board the baby bandwagon.
Hubby #2 was everything she wanted – except for his manners and hairy back. But he turned out to be the love of her life.
Everyone has to deal with something undesirable in their chosen squeeze. You need to decide if this is one you are willing to take on.
Oh, and one more thing…did you ever consider the fact that “Jack” has had to overlook a few peccadillos in order to be with you?
10. “Words We Never Use,” [Ron Sexsmith] Ron Sexsmith.
9. “Little Man, What Now?” [Morrissey] Viva Hate.
8. “Unplayed Piano,” [Damien Rice & Lisa Hannigan] Unplayed Piano (Single).
7. “Super Sex,” [Morphine] Yes.
6. “Because I Want You To,” [Placebo] Because I Want You To [EP].
5. “All I Want is Everything,” [The Janes] There is No Them Only Us.
4. “Time on Your Side,” [Emily Jane White] Dark Undercoat.
3. “The Ride,” [Milow] Coming of Age.
2. “The Mess We’re In,” [PJ Harvey] Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea.
1. “Still Here,” [The Perishers] Let There Be Morning.
* For the record, I am NOT referring to David. I can see him reading that part and saying, “what the fuck?” Don’t worry baby. You’re the man…