The following list was written while at my last job, but it still gets me (and hey, I’m usually the only one completely amused by my own jokes).
Blowing off work (while at work) is nothing new. But here’s my Top Ten List of things I do to avoid the inevitable:
10. Troll My Friends’ Blogs
I don’t get to see or talk to them like I should, so I like to skulk their sites to see what they’re up to without investing an hour of time on the phone.
I actually loathe the phone.
9. Get THISCLOSE to Booking My Dream Vacation Online and Then Back Out When They Ask for My Credit Card.
Because mama really can’t afford that castle retreat vaca in Scotland, but dreaming is free.
8. Chatted with Co-Workers I Think Are Useless.
Amazing the levels we sink to when we’re bored.
7. Work on My Grad School Essays – Which are Due, Like, NOW.
This is a double benefit: I actually get shit done that’s important to me, plus I look trés intense and busy. Which I am – just not working on YOUR crap.
6. Go on the Main Office Computer and Find Out What Everyone’s Making.
Man, you’d be surprised on how many idiot bosses leave Letters of Employement Agreement in the general database. I know what everyone makes.
Danger with this one is, when someone who makes less than you tries to boss you around, you have to resist the temptation of saying, “Fuck off punk, my extra $2 an hour gives me seniority over your ass.”
5. Look Up Old Friends on Google.
Let me give you fair warning on this one. Finding them is easy. Getting rid of them nearly impossible. So be careful whom you reach out and touch. Chances are, that cool girl who used to be up for anything with you back in college is either chained down with too many kids and wants to relive her youth with you SEVERAL times a day on the phone (see previous listing on how much we hate the phone) or she’s a fucking Xanax-popping, chain smoking, single freak who BEGS you to set her up with, well, anything.
4. Google Yourself.
Just admit it…we’ll all done it. If I have to see one more time a citation of an article I wrote back in my overbearing feminista days – an article on religious practices on MENARCHE no less – I’ll do ya a favor and shoot myself. OY…
3. Call Your Spouse “Just to Say I Love You,” When You’re Really Just Scamming to Get Them to Do Something For You You Don’t Want to Do.”
It’s not that you don’t love them, but you’ve got a list, goddammit. Before you all feel too sorry for David, rest easy because he sees through this kind of shit all the time. And he’s still into me.
2. Scan for Jobs in Your Dream City.
Anyone who knows me understands that I’m inflicted with the incurable disease of wanderlust. And it tends to flare up once I’m completely settled wherever I’m living at the time. I guess I’m a change junkie at heart.
But when you have kids bigger than a traveling pappos, you need to let those sea legs grow some roots. I get all that – in theory.
If someone would have told me years ago that I’d be living in the Washington DC metro area (actually just outside in one of the many ‘burbs) – and this is where I’d be staying – Ida thought you whack. And while this area has its charms, it’s not where I’d had hoped the Fantasy Island plane would land, if you get my meaning.
So when living in this gun-toting, gay-marriage fearing, Bush-pimping Red state gets on my last nerve, I scan for jobs in my happy places. I go through phases…for a while it was my second-hometown of San Francisco, then it was Paris and London (who was I kidding with that?), Seattle, Portland, and occassionally New York City.
Eventually, you get old enough – with or without kids – to realize that Ms Gertrude was right. That there is no “there there,” and that whatever version of utopia you have in your head only fully exists in there. You learn that sometimes you won’t find what you looking for…but if you’re smart, you learn how to create it for yourself. Wherever you land…
1. Ressurrecting Your Old Blog Because Your Delusional Enough to Think Anyone Cares What You Have to Say…
Until next time kids,
Ms. Mix & Bitch