“Dear Ms. Mix and Bitch,
I read your blog regularly and think you give great advice! I’m a BIG girl (5″5 and 200lbs), with a good job, a great condo, lots of friends – but no man in my life. I would love to have a boyfriend, but it’s been a long time (like almost two years now). I admit I don’t really put myself out there because I am afraid of being rejected. I wasn’t always this big. I started to gain weight after the love of my life broke up with me several years ago (right after college). I’m as much over that relationship as I going to be without having someone new to get excited about. When I go out with my girlfriends, most men ignore me. It’s like I am invisible. And that pisses me off to no end. I’m getting to the point where I am feeling depressed. What do you suggest I do to put myself out there without getting too hurt?
Signed, This Big Girl Doesn’t Cry”
Dear Big Girl,
I think almost every woman in America can relate to your situation. I know that I can personally vouch to tipping the scales at various points in my life (ahem, like now!). And I think you’re right to be cautious and fairly realistic about one thing – putting yourself out there can lead to hurt and rejection – but guess what honeypie….that is going to happen to you even if you were a size 4. Because dating’s tough work. However, with a couple of attitude and strategic adjustments, you can make it closer to what it’s supposed to be – a helluva rida both literally and figuratively.
So here’s my top ten ways for big girls to get their groove going….
10. Don’t worry about size labels. Find clothes that show off your assets – and fit properly.
Nothing’s more heartbreaking than seeing a heavy girl in a cut off top. Please. Or wearing jeans so tight, they get that muffin roll in the middle. Trust me, you’ll look and feel better without your flesh rolling over your seams. Fuck what the size number says…designers have been messing with those numbers since the dawn of time. It’s called subliminal marketing – or as I like to call “mind-fucking” – and it’s all horse shit. When you’re heavier, dresses cinched at the waist that flare out are stunning. The point is, dress for your figure – not by what a bunch of gay men in fashion think a woman should look like – which by the way is a gay, prepubescent boy.
9. Expand Your Horizons
Most of us has a particular physical type we are attracted to – however, this can limit you to an array of delicious possibilities. People who know me will think I am being hypocritical here, because my husband is exactly my physical type. However, I can honestly say that some of the most amazing men in my life were not “my type.” In fact, some of them were downright ugly. But they were smart and funny and killer in bed. Also, it slays me when I hear big people bitch and moan about how they can’t find a partner to love – but then shun others who are fat. Be open! One of the best boyfriends I ever had was “fat” (a word I hate, btw) – he never stopped trying to surprise me and I never was bored by him. Oh, and another way to go – ethnic men. I work in Washington, DC – and I swear, it’s like night and day for me. In “white world” I’m slightly overweight. But get a black or Latin guy around me and I’m like a goddamm goddess. I was walking down the street to go to work and this guy ran off the road while watching “the burger that goes with that shake” (his words, not mine). Goes to show ya.
8. Be Outgoing
Don’t be something you’re not, or suddenly become the jolly fat girl, but men love love love a girl with a fab sense of humor and are down-to-earth life outlook (WITHOUT being overly needy or pushy). Most of the men I have found interesting in this life swear by women with personality, wit, and charm over some girl with model looks and no spare change upstairs. Of course, they ideally want both, but I have seen big girls with a cute outfit on and a wicked sense of humor having guys fight over her. Men love women who are able to have a good time – someone without the drama addiction. It won’t make up for everything, but it sure helps.
7. Re-Program Yourself
Here’s a truth for ya – most of the men I know now-a-days actually want their women “thick.” When you ask them why, they’re pretty blunt about it – better in bed, more cushion for the pushing. Argh – the expressions! But point well heard. Nothing turns off certain men faster than thrusting into a bag of bones. They want to see you wiggle. So there’s that.
6. Go to Craig
Not Jenny Craig. Craigslist. Be honest as well. Tell them that you’re a big girl – but also include all your other assets as well. I guarantee you’ll find some great men out there – that like women bigger without making you into a fetish toy. Or some other online dating site. I know some people are wary about this, but if I were single, I’d do it in a heart beat because I can’t stand to waste my time. Put it all out there. At least you’ll know straight away that your weight is not a problem for those who answer you.
Let your troops know you’re looking for someone. You would be amazed at the power of a blind date set up by someone who knows you well (again, that’s how I met David). Tell your friends to inform your future suitors of all your assets. That’s fair for both of you.
Spend your time doing things you love – and congregate to others of similar heart – like through Meetup.com. Getting to know others through a shared interest breeds trust and affection – a more organic way of meeting a partner, to say the least. But do me a favor and DON’T sign up for the local knitting or scrapbooking group. You’re only going to meet a bunch of taken women there who want to set you up with guys named Seth that still live in their parents’ basements.
3. Fall in Love
With your own body. Find the beauty in your shape, the cadence of your stride, the poetry of your mouth. Well, you get the picture.
2. Don’t Despair
There’s nothing worse than someone who’s desperate. It’s the ultimate catch-22…you have no companionship, so you feel depressed and alone – but in an effort to find someone, you exude “neediness” and turn off potential lovers. The trick is to ask yourself these questions when talking to someone with possibilities: (1) is he interesting to talk to? (2) does he make you laugh? (3) do you find something appealing about him physically? The point is, let him impress YOU first! Then if it’s a green light, proceed as if it’s a yellow…meaning go forward, but slowly.
Oh, and luv, DON’T go to bars or clubs expecting to find someone fat positive. I know there are exceptions to every rule, but going to a bar to find a guy with some depth is like going to a swinger’s club because you feel like talkin’. You set yourself up for failure that way.
1. Be confident
Always the most potent afrodiasiac. And if you’re not – fake it ’til you make it.
One more thing…from reading between the lines, it sounds as if you are not happy with your current shape. If that’s true, then I highly recommend a book that is currently helping me drop the pounds called, “If I Am So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight? Tools to Get it Done!” by Brooke Castillo. It’s not a typical “diet” book…she’s a weight loss coach tackling what usually puts on the pounds: emotional eating. Trust me Big Girl…I’ve tried it all (I’ve always gained an insane amount of weight with my pregnancies) – and this book is almost as good as the Phentermine I took after my first pregnancy. God I miss that little blue pill….
10. “I Sing the Body Electric,” Cast of Fame. [Fame-Original Motion Picture Soundtrack]
9. “About Fun,” Psapp. [Tiger, My Friend]
8. “Citywide Rodeo,” The Weepies. [Say I Am You]
7. “Got It,” Sebadoh. [Bake Sale]
6. “How Will He Find Me,” Deb Talan. [Sincerely]
5. “Miwok Shapes,” Brightback Morning Light. [Brightback Morning Light]
4. “In the Margins,” Ani DiFranco. [Reprieve]
3. “Leap of Innocence,” Liz Phair. [Somebody’s Miracle]
2. “Numbness Phase,” Pillow Theory. [Outpatience]
1. “Killer Queen,” Queen. [Bohemian Rhapsody]