Dear Ms. Mix & Bitch,
I know you said you’ve been getting a lot of threesome questions – but I have a different sort of problem. I’m in love with two men. The first one is “Brett” – he’s been my boyfriend for three years. I adore him – he’s smart and extremely kind and considerate….and I feel safe with him. But truthfully, I do get a bit bored with our sex life. It’s good, but the same old thing over and over. Then there’s “Anthony” – whom I met two months ago at a party of one of my co-workers. He’s the opposite of Brett. Anthony is a smart-ass, quick on his feet, and sexy as hell. He has a long-term girlfriend as well. When we met, we really hit it off – and since we were both taken – I wasn’t trying too hard. I was just being myself. Anyway, we became friends and he’d come by my work to say hello (he works next door, so I see him a lot), we’d have coffee, and hang out. After a few weeks of this, he blurted out that he’s falling in love with me, and I realized I was falling for him as well. Before you know it, we were sneaking off to be together a few times a week. The sex is beyond anything I’ve ever had.
I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s all about the sex – we have amazing talks as well. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever been with before. On the minus side, he’s always late and sometimes selfish and inconsiderate. And while we’re both into each other, we’re both reluctant to leave our long-term partners. I wish I could merge them into the one perfect guy, but I can’t obviously. And I don’t feel right betraying Brett like this either. He doesn’t deserve this. But the idea of letting go of Anthony just hurts all over. Help!
Signed, Torn Between Two Lovers
If all women had such problems, hmm…no seriously, I get the conflict and it’s very real. I wish you would have told me your age, whether you were looking to settle down or not…it would have helped me gauge a more concrete response. That aside, let me dive in here…
First of all, I’m not going to give you an infidelity lecture. I see you get that to an extent. About a year ago, the wife of a friend of mine (recently caught cheating) was telling me how sorry she was for what she did – indirectly asking me to forgive her for her actions (in actuality, probably just looking to forgive herself and talking to me was a projection of that need). I said to her what I say to you…infidelity is usually not about the “other woman or man” – it’s a symptom of deficits in your current relationship. Of course, there are those who will lay down with anything that walks upright, but that’s a column for another day. For the rest of us who genuinely seek monogamy, it’s definitely a symptom – and not the cure. I am sure that Anthony is exciting and unpredictable. That’s his appeal. But I also commend you for seeing his flaws, because trust me, after the endorfin rush slows to a drip, those are the piccadillos that turn into the fodder for heated arguments. Besides he’s not going to commit. Even if he broke up with his current girlfriend and pledged you “forever,” I guarantee he’d always have a piece on the side. Because I get the sense that for guys like Anthony, it’s not so much about finding the love of their lives as it being more about finding others to affirm their attractiveness and self worth. Ask him this – has he ever cheated on his girlfriends before? I’d bet all my itty bitty savings that the answer is “yes.”
As far as Brett is concerned, it sounds as if you’ve got a gem that just needs to polish up on his bedroom battle-plan. Trust me, it’s much easier to spice up a lackluster sex life than it is to find a partner of good character. So, if you want something real and long-term, dump Tony and talk to Brett about your sexual frustrations. If you are not ready for the long-haul, then perhaps you should set the boyfriend free and play around for a while. If you decide on the latter, I guarantee you’ll find more Anthonys than Bretts out there, so enjoy the ride and the fall.
My guess is that you will continue to star in your present drama because the combination of comfort food and adrenelin – so to speak – are just too difficult to give up. People learn through the experiential, not the theoretical. So you must play this out to the end, I imagine – probably losing them both and learning a hard lesson.
1. “A Bird Flies Out,” Deb Talan. [A Bird Flies Out]
2. “Red Dress,” Jonatha Brookes. [Steady Pull]
3. “Still I Can’t Be Still,” Idina Menzel. [Still I Can’t Be Still]
4. “Yes and No,” Nina Storey. [24 Off the Board]
5. “World Where You Live,” Crowded House. [Crowded House]
6. “Willing to Wait,” Sebadoh. [Harmacy]
7. “Use Me,” Tina Dico. [In the Red]
8. “Underdog,” Lisa Loeb [Hello Lisa]
9. “Who Was I Kidding?” Martha Wainwright. [Martha Wainwright]
10. “Until I Find You,” Tamara Bedricky. [Through These Eyes]