“So I just LOVE this new blog! You’re pretty warped and twisted – but in a good way. I really liked it when you shared about your unplanned pregnancy. I’m writing to you because I have the exact opposite problem. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now (we’ve been married for six). At first, we were just having fun trying, but after a few months, I felt like a failure every time that stupid stick read ‘not pregnant.’ Now, I have to practically beg my husband to have sex with me. He says he still wants a baby, but feels worn down physically and emotionally by the process. Frankly, so do I, but I’m also so ‘baby-crazy’ that I push past that other stuff. I’m terrified to go to the doctor and find out it’s my fault that we can’t get pregnant. But going through this every month is a drag as well. Help!”
Possibly Barren. Definitely Depressed
Alright, so you know the story with my first daughter – a ‘surprise’ (they don’t call unplanned pregnancies ‘accidents’ anymore – for understandable reasons. No kid likes the idea that their grand arrival to this mortal coil was as gloriously celebrated as a train wreck). However, my second daughter took several months to conceive. She was definitely planned and pregnancy was initially elusive. So yeah, I do get what you’re going through, because we had gotten to the same point. Pregnancy sticks not turning colors. Husbands feigning headaches and sleep in order to get a break from his once-wife-now-walking/talking/pleading-sperm-depository. Oh and let’s not forget all those inquiries from well-meaning friends and yente relatives. Those unsolicited comments rocked.
As far as you being scared to go to the doctor….I always believe it’s better to be armed with information than flailing in ignorance. Also, get rid of this “fault” business – yours or his. Thinking like that is devisive, which is not only bad for a marriage, but death in childrearing. If your future child senses that mom and dad play “the blame game” then s/he will divide and conquer you both. Infertility is a medical condition. Period. Blaming someone for infertility makes as much sense as accusing someone of getting cancer on purpose.
Besides, most infertility specialists don’t even like to see couples until they’ve been trying for a year. Oftentimes, couples conceive after changing the following lifestyle habits:
– he now wears boxers, not briefs, just like Clinton.
– future mama and papa stop living like The Mamas and Papas and cut out the weed and the booze. Or anything that Jimi or Janis might have shot up or snorted.
– sperm donor and egg carrier get more sleep.
– baby chasin’ mommy-to-be somehow destresses about the situation, lowering her cortisol levels, which can hinder conception. Yeah, THAT’S easy. That’s like asking someone to not think about wanting to smoke when they’re going through withdrawal. And then of course feeling pressure to NOT think about it only makes you think about it THAT MUCH MORE….
– riding that stud of yours like a mechanical bull at a dive bar – think Debra Winger in “Urban Cowboy.” He won’t mind this one so much – you have to do all the work.
You didn’t share with me your age, but as you probably know, women in their 30s or 40s (I’m not even gonna touch the head cases wanting to birth their own babies after joining AARP) can sometimes have a heck of a time getting pregnant.
If you need a more medically invasive treatment, you’ll have to decide whether or not you want to go that route – or try to adopt. Either way, it’ll bleed you dry of cash, since most insurances will not cover IVF treatments, or pay for adoption-related medical costs. But the end result – I promise you – is worth it. Once you have your baby – one way or the other – all the struggles getting there wash away.
Then you get to be sleep-deprived and covered in baby puke for the next several years. But that’s a blog entry for another day.
Keep me posted on your progress – and I have chosen as soothing of a mix for you as I can. No need to have 10 songs reminding you that you currently feel like shit.
Until next time –
Ms. Mix and Bitch
1. “The Rainbow Connection,” Sarah Mclauglan. [For the Kids]
2. “The Wind,” Cat Stevens. [The Very Best of Cat Stevens]
3. “Boys in the Trees,” Carly Simon. [Clouds in My Coffee Box Set Collection]
4. “Eat for Two,” 10,000 Maniacs. [Blind Man’s Zoo]
5. “Baby Beluga,” Rafi. [Baby Beluga]
6. “Cat’s in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin. [Verities and Balderdash]
7. “Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy),” John Lennon & Yoko Ono. [Double Fantasy]
8. “Baby Mine,” Alison Krauss. [Hundred Miles or More]
9. “Secret O’Life,” James Taylor. [James Taylor’s Greatest Hits, Volume Two]
10. “You are My Sunshine,” Elizabeth Mitchell. [You are My Sunshine]