“I am a married man, father of 2 girls and a business owner. My life is pretty boring, my business controlled by my parents and my wife constantly bothers me about the house. I smoke a lot of pot and started doing cocaine lately to take the edge off, or maybe give me some edge. About 9 months ago I went to see a trans-sexual, it was an experience I wanted to have for a long time. We did it all and it felt great. At the urging of a friend I went to another one a few months later, same thing. Since then I have been back several times and given head several times. There is something exhilirating about it. I am by no means gay just so bored with life I need a shock to the system every now and then. I also call phone sex and ask for chicks with dicks. Does this make me gay?”
Where the hell do I start?? Well, first of all, thanks for planting a live one on me. You can’t make up stuff like this folks. It’s much too freaky to be fiction. I’m from San Francisco, I should know.
Listen cowboy, I’m all about being sex positive and letting your freak flag fly up whatever skirt cranks your chain. As far as “chicks with dicks” are concerned (which I hope you realize are just guys on truckloads of E – not the drug, but the hormone, genius), you wouldn’t be the first married, “straight” male going after them. They make a buttload (pardon the cheap-shot pun, I couldn’t help it) of cash – certainly more than I do. But I digress. That’s not the issue here really. It’s good shock factor – part of the appeal of chasing after your own townie versions of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, I suppose.
Let’s put aside for the moment about you cheating on your wife. And I am going to hope and pray a million nam-myoho-renge-kyos (it’s a Buddhist chant babydoll) that you’re with a professional sex worker who is keeping you both safe by using condoms EVERY time. I’ll just address the one question you asked me, “am I gay?” Andrew, if ONLY that were your biggest issue. I don’t know if you’re gay. Frankly, I think it’s a goddamm boring question. Sexuality is not a black or white issue. It’s on a continuum, which can slide from one side to the other, settle in the middle….whatever. And right now, you dig chicks with dicks enough to risk everything you have in your life. I would imagine that’s also part of what the cocaine use is about as well. You’re willing to go to some radical, life-threatening extremes in order to feel something. Anything.
I hope you soaked that one in….life-threatening. I suspect that’s the point now, isn’t it? One way or the other, you want to kill this life you’ve created. You said it yourself. You are bored out of your mind by your mainstream life, nagging wife, and emasculating parents. Perhaps being with these s/he-males is about regaining a sense of power in a life lost to you by others. Perhaps they are less threatening, transitional figures in your life – and you’re just working up the spiritual courage to admit to yourself that, yes, you’re gay. I can tell you this – none of those labels really matter. What does matter is that you’re in serious trouble. I strongly urge you to go into therapy – someone whom specialized in sexual identity issues and addiction. If you are too embarassed to ask anyone you know, then go to: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php or to http://www.find-a-therapist.com/ .
That’s one of the many things I loved and still miss about San Francisco. No one cared what you were into. Really. What they did insist upon was being real…and being brave enough to be honest with yourself and others about who you were or weren’t. You know Andrew, you wouldn’t be the first guy to wake up and realize that the whole American, suburban, wife-with-kids-and-minivan existence wasn’t really you. Maybe you are a guy meant for a different kind of life. As long as you take care of your kids and treat their mother with kindness and respect (which is grossly lacking at present), you’ll be able to sleep at nights. I suspect right now that sleeping soundly eludes you. The worst thing that you’re doing is not gay sex. It’s everything else you have to do to cover up who you are and what you are doing that sucks. Get help. Now.
1. “Super Freak,” Rick James. [Bustin’ Out: The Very Best of Rick James]
2. “Sweet Transvestite,” Dr. Frank N Furter (Tim Curry) and Cast. [Rocky Horror Picture Show Original Motion Picture Soundtrack]
3. “Freak on a Leash,” Korn. [Follow the Leader]
4. “Sunspots,” Nine Inch Nails. [With Teeth]
5. “Dirty,” Pillow Theory. [9 1/2]
6. “The Sound of Settling,” Death Cab for Cutie. [Transatlanticism]
7. “Somewhere a Clock is Ticking,” Snow Patrol. [Final Straw]
8. “A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free,” Elliott Smith. [From a Basement on a Hill]
9. “It Ain’t Me, Babe,” Bob Dylan. [Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits]
10. “B.M.F.A,” Martha Wainwright. [Martha Wainwright]