Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Views of Life in Venn Diagram Form

 

What Jesus and Frankenstein Have in Common

 

 

 

Serial Killers

 

Social Media

 

 

Funeral or Art Opening?

Halloween or Child Molesters?

The Nerd Factor

Things to Keep Away from Your Kids

 

The Truth about Pregnancy

 

The World According to Dog

 

Bernie Madoff

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession #2: I’ve Been Meaning To, But…

No excuse really for not posting more over the last couple of days. Life gets in the way, and laundry will be the end of me.  I’ve been going on my kids’ school field trips, tending to the sick, serving as cheerleader for the man.

I’m a regular, friggin’ Mother Teresa these days

I know I promised the 100 Greatest Rock Songs of All Times…I’m changing that to the best alternative rock songs of all times because I really don’t need to see anymore Rolling Stones or Led Zep as suggestions there folks.

But feel free to offer up something a little left of center.  But if you post something off the ‘Twilight’ soundtracks, we are soooo breaking up (pst, yeah I know some of the music’s actually quite good, but I’m making a point here DAMNIT).

Anyway, keep it coming. Later.

Midday Funny: The Modern Man’s Kama Sutra

Courtesy of Geek with Laptop.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession # 25: If Only All Old People Were This Cool

Ok, I admit it.  I am not “one” with the old people.  I just don’t like ‘em.  And I know that’s ageist and all, but I’m just being honest here.  I used to work with a bunch at the Jewish Community Center in New Orleans…a bunch of Depression-Era-old ladies with a bad attitude, a weird smell, and a penchance for double knits. And they were really cheap too (and don’t give me the whole “Jews are cheap” schtick ‘cuz most of the old bags we  served were Catholics, so there). Look, I get it.  Maybe if I had lived through Black Friday and bread lines and Hooverville shanty towns, I’d be more careful with a nickel too.  But hey, give AIG, Goldman Sachs, and the Department of Treasury a little more time and I’ll get a chance sure enough, right?

Anyhoo…long story short, there’s this guy on Twitter (named Justin) who lives with his 73-year-old dad and he writes down the crazy funny shit his dad says.  I haven’t laughed this hard in forever, so had to share it with you.  Go to Twitter @shitmydadsays and catch the wave for yourselves.  If only all old people were this cool. I’m just saying…

“Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”

  

“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”

  

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”

  

“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”  

“I need to change clothes? Wow. That’s big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn’s.”

  

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”

  

“You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time.”

  

“Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.”

  

“I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”

  

“Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?…No, I’m not gonna make a joke. I’ll let your mirror do that.”

  

“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”

  

“Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”

  

“I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.”

  

“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed…What’s Footloose?…That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”

  

“Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”

  

“You’re being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That’s not exactly what I’d call “a lot to lose.”

  

“You’re like a tornado of bullshit right now. We’ll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else’s house.”

  

“Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why’s he gotta do a trick first? YOU don’t have to do shit before YOU eat.”

  

“It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”

  

Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.”

  

“A scar ain’t 13 god damned stitches. I’ll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we’ll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together.”

  

“I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”

“You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.”

  

“I wouldn’t worry about money…No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn’t worry, cause you’d just piss it away.”

  

“No, you can not borrow my t-shirt…How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?”

  

I think the baby shit….Well, I’m smelling shit right now, so if it ain’t the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem.”

  

“Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.”

  

“The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit.”

  

“Fucking Radio Shack. It’s a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don’t just walk around all day with shit in their pants.”

“Don’t listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son.”

  

“Happy birthday, I didn’t get you a present…Oh, mom got you one? Well, that’s from me then too, unless it’s shitty.”

  

“Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it’s not a sack of food, it’s a sack of shit.”

  

“I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it…No, I’m not gonna stop, I’m just saying yes, I get that concept.”

  

“Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I’m 73 and shit’s starting to get boring. By the way, there’s no money left when I go, just fyi.”

  

‘You don’t know shit, and you’re not shit. Don’t take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up.”

  

“Here’s a strawberry, sorry for farting near you…Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that’s the deal.”

  

“The worst thing you can be is a liar….Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2″

  

“Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?…That’s her? Yeah, that’s a stripper, son, I don’t give a shit what you say.”

  

“Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It’s for all the dummies.”

  

“I’m having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain’t mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil’ fucking umbrella in it”

Top Ten Things about Being A Little Overweight Which Actually Rules

10.  I’m not stressing over that extra handful of Halloween candy I had this weekend.  It was sticky. It was sweet. And it was gooood.

09.  I order the stuff on the menu that I actually want to eat and not the grass clippings I used to.

08.  I’m aging beautifully. And I’m saving a ton of money on wrinkle cream I don’t need to buy.

07.  All the time I would be spending at the gym is now spent with friends over wine. Lots of wine.

06.  I actually eat real food. Without fat free, flavor-faked, chemical-enhanced crap. 

05.  I’m almost always in a good mood. That’s cause I’m not a cranky, half-starved bitch like your wife.

04.  I almost never hear my daughters talk about their bodies.  And when they do, they love what they see.  Some of their friends with more weight-obsessed mothers aren’t so lucky. 

03.  My husband loves to grab on and enjoy the ride. Enough said.

02.  I’ve got quite the rack now.  I haven’t seen my husband this excited since I started bringing home fresh baked bread.

01. I have discovered no matter what my size, I’m still hot, and that comes from being around long enough to know who I am.  And that’s priceless.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Rant: Madonna Opens Girls School in Malawi. Wow, That’s Sooo Oprah

So we all know how commited Madonna is to swiping helping the children of Malawi.  Ever since she stole adopted two of her own, she’s become aware of the overwhelming health crisis affecting the country’s people (especially its children).  All well and good.  Now, she’s on Huffington Post and YouTube asking for us to pledge our recession-cursed dollars to help her build an all-girls school there.  Yes, how very Oprah of her.

And you know what? I’d say “good for her” because hell, the people over there are in such crappy shape that who gives a shit where Madonna got the idea from as long as she’s commiting to help – right?

So here’s my beef with her: Madonna says she’ll match each dollar pledged, up to $100,000. Just to give us all incentive.

$100,000? That’s it??? This is Madonna we’re talking about.  She pissed out $100,000 in herbal teas just this morning.  $100,000 covers the cost of her colonics for three months.  $100,000 wouldn’t even cover the cost of her red stringy Kaballah bracelets, that’s how little $100,000 is to her.

Hell, she paid $1.4 million for a townhouse in New York recently, just to keep her boyfriend named (and I’m not making this up) Jesus closer to her.  That’s a lot more than $100,000.

Madonna, I know how competitive you are, and trust me, Oprah paid a lot more than $100,000 for her eponymous school in Africa.  Really.

Do you know that her Sticky and Sweet Tour made revenues of more than $91 MILLION DOLLARS last year? And that’s just for the North American leg of the tour alone.   That’s not counting Europe (where they’ve been putting up with her nonsense all through the Guy Ritchie years) or Japan (where they’re just bat shit for anything American). 

That’s like, crazy money. Tell ya what, Madonna.  Why don’t you just BUY Malawi for the low, low price of $10 million dollars, crown yourself Queen, and fix the motherfucker yourself? And then, if you need some extra for, like vaccines or mosquito netting, then come to me. I’m more than happy to give you my $100 worth.

Now in all fairness, perhaps she’s giving more money than that, and she’s keeping it on the down-lo.  Let’s hope…because otherwise it looks like the worst of her publicity stunts yet.

$100,000? Puhleezeee…..

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Rant: Are Rock Stars Too Smart for Scientology?

 

Scientology didn’t give Katie Holmes quite the career boost she was counting on, now did it?

So earlier in the week, film director Paul Haggis – a long, devoted Scientologist – disavowed himself from his pyramid scheme of a religion, mostly due to the organization’s lack of action against anti-gay legislative initiatives.  And my first reaction was “that’s what finally got him to jump ship and not all of the other bat-shit crazy stuff the cult  proclaims?” To each his own, I say. 

You know, I expect actors and directors to fall for the over-the-top declarations of a meglomaniacal science writer who’s been quoted as saying the best way to make some money is to start a religion…they live in Los Angeles for Christ’s sake…where even alien-inspired immortality is possible (L. Ron Hubbard’s words, not mine).  I’m not entirely convinced that some of them haven’t sold their souls to the Horned One/Tom Cruise in order to further their careers.  Beats having to blow Harvey Weinstein, that’s for sure.

So color me incredulous, but I expect more out of my rock stars/musicians than to fall for the likes of Scientology.  I guess I think of those in the music business as being a bit more jaded and savvy, and therefore not as likely to fall for L. Ron Hubbard’s dianetic debacle of a faith.  But I was wrong.  So wrong.  Take a look at the following in the music business who claim to be – gulp – Scientologists:

Ok, some of them you already know like…

Lisa Marie Presley (they can have her. No big loss)

Isaac Hayes (who’s dead and gone – guess he didn’t get high enough in

the organization to achieve Immortal Status, hmm?)

But did you know that Chaka Khan is one?

And Brandy?

Along with Dave Davies from The Kinks? THE KINKS???

Scientology can also lay claim to Rob Thomas, Doug E. Fresh

And last – and the one that breaks my heart the most….

Beck.

Sigh. You’re just too cool for Scientology. And supposedly, too intelligent and hip and funny to fall for a raging lunatic’s delusion of grandeur scheme. 

There were others before you, Beck, who had fallen for the Dianetic Diatribe, but came out the other side.  Here’s a list of former musician Scientologist who just….who just….stopped taking drugs long enough to realize what they’d gotten themselves into….they are:

Liz Phair

Leonard Cohen

Gloria Gaynor

Courtney Love (and psst, if you know that Scientology was too crazy for Courtney Love, then MAN, it must be WHACK)

Al Jarreau (what’s with all the black people in Scientology? Do they get a discount on auditing sessions or something?)

Lou Rawls

Van Morrison (yep. Really).

Hey Church of Scientology…you can keep all the rest of them, but please, not Beck.  And one last word on the subject…

Oprah Can Suck It: Join Pajiba’s Cannonball II Read

For those who proclaim print is dead, I say “Foolish ones! Have you not heard of the Cannonball Read at Pajiba dot com?”  And then most of you will scratch and shake your heads ‘no’, and I will heavily sigh in that dramatic fashion I always do when I’m being patronizing, and point you in the direction of literacy and self-betterment all in the name of a good cause.

I’ve lost you, haven’t I?  Ok, so here’s the story:  The Cannonball Read is a division of the hugely popular, incredibly bitchy site (yes, they are my mother ship) Pajiba (see blogroll on right).  Anyway, last year they pretty much dared their pop culture-obsessed readers to put down their remotes and movie popcorn and actually READ A BOOK.  100 to be exact, and they had a year to do it.  And after reading each book, they’d write a brief review for Pajiba about it. 

They’re continuing the tradition this year, except it’s Queen Bee Newly Crowned Leader, Ms. Nicole Fuscia, at the helm now and she has par down the requirement to 52 books.  That’s a book a week, not so bad, eh?

Ok, so here’s the sad part: one of the originators of Cannonball was this funky cool chick who went by the handle “Alabama Pink.”  She was funny and irreverent, with a great husband and little baby, and she died last year from leukemia, I believe.  Admittedly, I wasn’t that involved with Pajiba at that time and never got a chance to virtually know her, but the Pajiba family sure never forgot her.  So, for anyone who reads and reviews all 52 books, they will make a contribution in that Cannonballer’s name to the Little Pink Growing Up Smart Scholarship Fund.

The reading starts Sunday, November 1st.  Follow along at Pajiba dot com.

Morning Tickle: Hot Mormon Moms

Sometimes it’s so good, you’d think I made it up, but it’s delicious, nasty truth:  a 30-something Mormon gal from Idaho has compiled a calendar, entitled “Hot Mormon Muffins” as a way to eschew the ultra-conservative image of Mormon women.  They’re modeling themselves after the popular “Men on a Mission” calendar which feature some hot, Aryan man meat without the starched-up whites (but the question is, are they wearing the ‘magic underwear’?).

On the Hot Mormon Muffin Mom website, they claim, “Behind the eye-candy, this brand has a deeper story…The fact that twelve Mormons mothers appearing in a pin-up calendar has certainly raised eyebrows, it has also helped sort out some common misconceptions about Mormons. The shock value of what these traditionally conservative mothers has done is a powerful progressive step in building a dialogue that encourages people across every belief system and walk of life to defy stereotypes, step out of judgment and embrace tolerance.”

And if you buy the accompanying cooking/soft porn video, “Come Butter  Our Muffins,” you’ll help bring about peace in the Middle East too.

Anyhoo, thought you’d get a kick out of out.  Want one? Click here and let ‘em know the subversive Christ-killing, Godless bitch sent ya.

Bitch Slap of the Week: CD Review of Zero 7’s Yeah Ghost

                       

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Gotta Get Track:  Swing

If you’re one of the millions who fell madly in love with Zero 7’s down tempo sound on When It Falls and Simple Things, then you’re not going to be happy with their latest release, Yeah Ghost.  However, if you’re open to a more soulful  - may I even dare say, funk-inspired Zero 7 – then you’re going to love this record.  I have a feeling, however, that many of their urban–lounge-hanging fans are going to sigh deep and long for the Zero 7 girl they fell in love with – not the one all glammed up and arriving at their door today.

What has stayed the same is the songwriting team of Sam Hardaker and Henry Binns, who still expertly craft each song without falling into the familiar traps of overproduction like so many others of their genre tend to do.  Also a continuing staple is the duo outsourcing vocals (bringing to light such talents in the past as Sia, José Gonzalez, and Tina Dico):  this time, you’ll hear the likes of Martha Tilston on tracks Pop Art Blue and Swing, and Eska Mtungwazi on Medicine Man, Sleeper, Mr. McGee, and The Road.  Each vocalist offers their own spin and interpretation to Binns and Hardaker’s hardware, and add some delicious texture and depth to the album, maybe even more so than past vocalists (and that’s saying something because I loved those guys and gals).   Binns also performs on Everything Up (Zizou), and while not astounding, somehow still adds to the richness of their direction.

Overall, a new direction for the electronica superstars – one which may not be fully embraced by their fan base, but one which may bring new minions on board nonetheless.

 

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