Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Top Ten Worthy-of-Being-Remembered Songs of 2009

2009 happened to be one of my best years, but I know that I’m one of the few who can say that these days. 

For most, 2009 blew big chunks and I’m not surprised to see many sticking their heads under their pillows, wrapping their rosaries around their neck, and praying for it all to go away. Fast.

Personally, I don’t think 2009 was a particularly compelling year for music, but there are a few stand-outs.  And btw, I’ve seen some of the other suggests from the music mags and I think most of them are reaching…trying to make stuff that was catchy-at-best appear larger than reality. Hey, we’ve all got blank space to fill, so I get it.

Alright, I’ll stop stalling and throw it at you.  See what sticks as the earworm in your canal…

10.  “How I Got Over,”  (The Roots)

It’s unusual for me to feature a hip hop selection because I think most of the genre’s turned to shit. These guys are the exception.  The Roots – out of Philly – really keep getting better.  Can’t find this particular track on iTunes, but found it through SPIN magazine’s Top 20 list.

9. “Daniel,”  (Bat for Lashes)

Everyone in the alternative music community went completely ape-shit over Bat for Lashes sophomore effort, Two Suns, this year.  Rightfully so because Nastasha Khan is an ethereal, indie rock shaman.  I had tickets for their DC concert at the 9:30 Club, but couldn’t go at the last minute. Sad thing is, I couldn’t give them away because no one’s really heard of them yet.  Pity because she’s amazing.  Think Goldfrapp with St. Vincent and you’re most of the way there…

8. “Laughter with a Mouth of Blood,”  (St. Vincent)

Ok, so I know I’m twelve years old, but I love music mixes and no one fucking makes them anymore. Well, not for me anyways.  There’s one exception and that’s my brother-from-another-mother, Chez Pazienza - from Deus Ex Malcontent dot com fame…he came to stay with us for five days earlier this year (leaving the toilet seat up every time) and I pestered him into making me a mix since I think his taste in music is infinitely better than mine.

This track was on there, and I think Annie Clark (St.Vincent) is a trip – sashaying her way through a song like soft pedaling it through an orchestral daisy field, but hits you with lyrics as dark as the tornado cloud sneaking up on your laissez-fare-loving ass.

By the way, do I ever get a mention on his blog?  No. Nada. None. I’m just saying, some love and props would be nice.

7. “Misguided Ghosts,” (Paramore)

 

There are a lot of people my age afraid to admit they like Paramore - probably because their sophomore album was such a raucous hit amongst the kiddies, plus them being featured on the Twilight soundtracks.  But fuck it because they’re awesome – a heart-pumping machiatto blend of Evanescence, Jimmy Eat World, and the early days of No Doubt.  This is actually one of their quieter tracks, which flew under many other’s radar for 2009, but not mine.

6. “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked,” (Cage the Elephant)

This is a hot track, reminding me of The Black Crowes in their heyday. You can’t help but bob your head and slap your thigh when listening to this one.

5. “Just Breathe,” (Pearl Jam)

This should probably be number one, considering the year most have had, because how can you go wrong when Eddie Vedder reminds you to be grateful for what you have, and breathe on through the rest of the shit ’til it passes? Pearl Jam hasn’t lost a thing since they came out of Seattle in the early 90s.  I’m so proud of these guys…

 4. “Unknown Caller,” U2

U2 are one of the more prolific rock bands of all times – leading many of the idiotic and uneducated to subsequently think of them as the Stephen King of their genre – completely entertaining and unexpected, but by appealing to the masses losing some of their musical street cred.  But just because a band throws it out there on a frequent basis doesn’t make what they have to say any less of a force.  So in continuing the literary analogy, we should all regard U2 as the Joyce Carol Oates of rock-n-roll. Hell, she’s just as prolific as King and yet brings American literature to a whole other friggin’ level of consciousness.

Ok, I’ve lost half of you, but those of you who were English majors TOTALLY get where I was going with that.

U2’s latest record isn’t one of their best.  But it’s their most introspective since The Unforgettable Fire and while I’m as big of a sucker for their stadium battle cries as the next aging rocker girl, I appreciate what they’re trying to do here.  Having a more somber work for 2009 – with “Unknown Caller” as a pensive cornerstone piece – is eerily appropriate.

3. “Furnace Room Lullaby,” Neko Case.

Hands down, Neko Case is the most powerful, sonorous vocalist you’ve probably never heard of.  Change that immediately.  Some want to label her as part of the singer/songwriter genre, others alt-country…but forget all that garbage. Like most women worth knowing and wooing, she’s beyond definition, so stop trying to box her in and enjoy the ride. Yeah.

2. “Hell,” (Tegan and Sara)

The best thing to come out of Canada since, well…anything.  For those thinking of Mike Myers and Michael J. Fox, go home to your Back to the Future sheet-covered beds and get a life.

1. “1901,” (Phoenix)

It kills me a bit to put this one on there.  Not just because this song is featured – I think – in a car commercial, although that’s a big part of it.  Many bands took 2009 as an opportunity to time travel back to the 80s, to the best and worst of what the synthesizer-laden pop rock era had to offer. Jesus, if Lady Gaga isn’t the regurgitation of Missing Person’s Dale Bozzio, I don’t know what is.  I personally don’t consider this to be an era of music worth emulating all that much, but if you’re going to do it, then capture the essence of what its pop scene was offering….flashy synthesizer work, a decent bass groove, and an undeniable hook. And that’s really about it.

So while Phoenix’s #1 single here isn’t necessarily the deepest or most soul-stirring selection I could have chosen, I think it’s the absolute, goddamn best of what everyone else was musically trying to do in 2009.  And for those of you who want a touch more analysis here, let’s just hope the fascination with electronic keyboards-inspired escapism and Wall Street ‘greed is good’ ethos of the 1980s which infestated 2009 will be dumped in the rest of the ditch that was this year for so many.

The Envelope Please…And the Winner is…

   

Yep, it’s me…I won! I really can’t believe it – especially since many, many of the nominated sites (at least in other categories) were a bunch of Jesus-lovin, coupon clippin’, SAHM (stay-at-home-moms)…and while there’s nothing wrong with any three of those categories, experience has taught me that most of them are not so in love with my Jewish-Buddhist, Christmas-celebrating, porn-loving self.  I know, I don’t get it either

Anyhoo…the best part about this is that I get a $250 gift card. I’m thinking a gym membership or new fluffy bedding.   Like I need to lay around anymore than I do, yeah I heard that. 

I probably should use it to upgrade this site like I’ve been wanting to do, right?

I want to thank you all for taking time out of your day to vote for Mix Tape Therapy.  I know Divine Caroline made you all register on their site in order to vote – and for some of you, that’s a persnickey thing because of your desire for privacy. I get it.   So, thanks

Okay, I’ll shut up now…

Where Ya BEEN?

So where I’ve been – it’s what you’re wondering – right?

Well, right after I wrote about my Guilty Pleasures of 2009, I got sick. Really sick. Like I should’ve been in a hospital because I was hacking up stuff not from this earth.  And it sucked because my husband really couldn’t get off of work and my mother lives too far to just get in a car and come over (funny how we regress to wanting our mommys once we’re not so fucking invincible, eh?).  So I leaned on my amazing friends – like Rhonda, Shani, and Anne – to help get my kids to and from school, and Sweet Pea and even Drama Queen pitched in and cleaned up some of their own shit for a change and got me ginger ale and tissues and kept themselves entertained.

Let me tell you something, it meant a lot. Really.  Because you know it was bad if I was too far gone to shoot my mouth off via my blog.

So, what’s been going on since then?  Well, I finally took my stubborn ass down to urgent care and got myself some antibiotics. Funny how someone like me who luvs her pills will procrastinate going to the doctor when it comes to medicine she actually needs.

Once you go Vicodin, you never go back. And Augmentin ain’t the same. But it eventually cut through the goobly goblins and had me well enough to schlep down to Carolina for Christmas. Because this Jew just loves her some Red and Green merriment. And while I was still not really right, I have been getting better everyday.

Expect me to have some catching up to do.  There have been lots of questions coming in, and I will get to them. So don’t jump off a bridge or anything ’til then, ok?

Thanks

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Guilty Pleasures of 2009: The Songs

 

I really can’t believe I’m going to admit to the following, but I was recently inspired by my doppleganger crew at Pajiba, who came up with yet another hysterical random list of their Top Guilty Movie Pleasures for 2009.  Well, I’ve got plenty of those too, but since this here is (ahem) supposedly a music site – although admittedly not a lot of music of late – I figured I too would be brave and come out of the Sucky Song Closet. 

Dustin, TK, Stacey (I’m thinking that butterfly sweatshirt), Nicole…it’s all your faults:

10. Taylor Swift’s “Should’ve Said No.”

Fuck it, YOU try living with a tween and a wanna-be tween who play this on a continuous loop and see if you don’t start humming along in spite yourself.  It’s catchy as hell.

9. Owl City’s “Fireflies” – Shit, The Whole Godamn CD.

Just when you thought Minnesota could be cool (think home base to Prince and independent magazine, Utne Reader) here comes Adam Young with his mop head and lap top ruining it all.  He’s cheerful and bouncy and just-so-godamn-glad-to-meet-ya! – and I like it all in spite of myself.  What can I say? It help offset the Seasonal Affective Disorder.

8. Kris Allen’s “Heartless”

I can’t stand American Idol and I personally thought that Adam Lambert was robbed by not winning this year.  That said, I thought Kris Allen’s live version of Kayne West’s “Heartless” was a killer.  Unfortunately, the version sold through iTunes was this orchestra-laden sap track. It didn’t have half the heart and soul of the one I saw on the show. And for me to say that anything coming out of Idol had a pulse is as close as I’m ever going to get with dancing with the corporate devil.

7. Katy Perry’s “Hot n Cold”

She’s just so friggin adorable, I can’t stand it.  And you can dance to her music too.  I can see what Russell Brand sees in her. Fur sure

6. Colbie Caillat’s “Fallin’ for You”

I know, I know…she’s like the Jennifer Aniston of the music business.  Sweet and light and oh-so-vanilla.  But what the hell, sometimes I like a little extra saccarine in my coffee.

5.  John Mayer’s “Who Says”

Oy, what a douche bag.  But it’s oh so true when I say I hate myself for loving you. Or at least your music. God help me.

4.  Susan Boyle’s “I Dreamed a Dream”

Yeah, yeah…she’s fucking hideous, which frankly made her rendition of this song all the more effective. Think about it. The song’s about a washed up single mom who has been beaten down by life. You look at her singing that song and damn it, you believe every word outta that bitch’s mouth!

3.  Any Song Off the TV Show “Glee”

This show not only made loving musical theater hip, but actually transformed such guilty pleasures of the past – like Journey’s “Don’t Stop Belivin’” – into a 2009 Top Ten hit.  That’s some powerful stuff – plus they feature original Broadway cast member, Lea Michaels, from “Spring Awakening” as the Jewess temptress. And I luv that.

2. All Music from Both the “Twilight” and “New Moon” Soundtracks

The movie was as hypnotic as a 10-car pile up, and the books – I hear – aren’t worthy of gracing one’s bathroom throne.  But color me in sparkles because I love the music featured on both soundtracks.  It’s kick-ass emo for a new generation of sop-heads. Go figure.

1. Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb”

I can’t believe…let me repeat….I can’t BA-LEEVE….I’m admitting to this, but when I had to take my Sweet Pea to see that God-forsaken Hannah Montana movie – which sucked – the one part that got to me was her singing this song. I actually got a lil’ misty.  And folks, I have no earthly good explanation for it.  Maybe I was premenstrual.  Perhaps I was caught up in my daughter’s excitement. I don’t know. But it’s obvious I need serious help.

Seriously.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Top Ten Facebook Annoyances

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I’m addicted to Facebook.  I check in too many times a day, and use it way too often as an alternate form of communication with just about…well…everyone. It’s also a lifesaver for people like me who hate the phone. 

That said, for those of us who troll Facebook more than we should, it’s natural for there to be a growing list of annoyances which result from frequenting a virtual establishment more than any place in reality.

So, without further adieu, here we go…

10.  People Who Don’t Get the Real Purpose of the Facebook Status

Listen up, dipshits. The point of the Facebook status is NOT to tell us that you’re waiting in line at the dry cleaners or to give us your New Agey one liner pep talks.  Do I really need to hear one more time that “today is precious – that’s why it’s called the ‘present’?”

Please. 

Facebook status updates are either to entertain people with a little funny – or to vent your frustrations (frankly, also meant to entertain).  Occasionally, you can send a shout out about an important event in your life – both good or bad – in order to save yourself the trouble of having to call a million people.  I don’t recommend, however, you break up with a person via Facebook status.  While highly entertaining, it’s still a shitty thing to do, which leads me to my next annoyance…

9. People Using Their Relationship Status to Signal to Their Significant Others There’s Trouble in Paradise.

I can’t believe I even have to say this, but don’t – I repeat – DON’T use your FB relationship status to let your baby know you’re pissed with them.  I have actually heard from friends of mine, telling me they thought everything was fine between them and their girlfriend or boyfriend only to see their status change from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated.” Can you be anymore high school than that? You’ve got a problem with your man, work it out at home and IN PERSON.  I have even heard of one married couple who were going through some problems, only to have the wife change her status from “married” to “single” before letting her husband know it was over. That’s just beyond tacky. You don’t have the nerve to break up with the person IN PERSON, then at least do it one-on-one over the phone and not through the Facebook community.  Made me feel like the kid at the dinner table watching their parents fight and not being allowed to leave.

8. Conversely, It’s Annoying When One Partner is Way Into Facebook and the Other is, Well, Really Not…

I usually don’t care that my man isn’t into Facebook. Frankly, his disinterest perfected aligns with his personality, so no biggie.  That said, I don’t know…I guess deep down I’m a fucking twelve-year-old girl because I’d like my man to write the occasional lovey message on my wall…it’s like getting a big, bad and beautiful gawdy bouquet of flowers sent to your work on Valentine’s Day. It makes you feel loved and you get to show off to the other gals how lovingly awesome your man really is.  I know, I’m pathetic, but there it is.

7. People Believing that By Simply Joining a Facebook Group, They’re Going to Cure All the World’s Ills.

I really hate being asked to join any of these groups, but I will occasionally do it if:

(1) I know the person sending me the join link is really involved in the cause outside of FB, and it’s my way of showing him or her support and

(2) it’s a cause I really believe in and one I put skin in the game outside my computer.

So for those of you who send me the link or app to cure cancer or save the friggin’ whales who have nothing to do with such causes, stop it.  It’s really annoying. And even worse, that silly FB group eschews any real progress made on that cause’s behalf.  Do your cause – and your FB friends – a big fucking favor and instead of spending your valuable time sending links for “Save Darfur” or “Stop Chopping Trees in the Amazon” take a measely $10 or $20 and donate them directly through the organization’s websites (NOT through Facebook). And shut the fuck up.

6. Stop Alerting Me Everytime Your Cow Takes a Dump on ‘Farmville’ or Your Virtual Vampire Bites Into Something.

For those of you who are lucky enough to be unaware of this, on Facebook there are applications which let you play a variety of games online.  Some let you lead virtual lives on a farm, or running a restaurant, or become a wiseguy in your own lil’ ‘Mafia Wars’ (one of my former favorites).  I too was once caught up in the fever of earning points for extra jobs and sending out notices on my news feed for help.  Then, one day, I realized I had a life. A pretty good one, actually.  And I walked away, cold turkey. Haven’t missed it since.

Now, I don’t expect for you all to stop doing something which gives you pleasure.  But do I really need to know everytime you move up another level or buy yourself a new virtual weapon? No, I don’t think so. Moreover, I know that those apps give you the OPTION of publishing that kind of info or not. Choose not to, ok?  It’s fine if you need the occasional help on a job…but otherwise stop with the FB bragging. You’re dirtying up my news feed and boring us to tears.  Seriously.

5. People Who Only Show Pictures of Their Kids (and Never Themselves) on Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to look at pictures of lil’ Ashley and Madison. Sure, why not? But some of you ONLY show me your kids. Don’t you realize the whole point of Facebook is to avoid having to go to the school reunions and see how people turned out?  So what if you’ve gained some weight since school. Guess what, so have I pumpkin.  And while I’m not sporting a bikini online anytime soon, I’ll still show off my chub mug for you all to see and judge. Big deal. We’re older. Some of us need to lose a few pounds or need a little face work done.  Show yourselves and be proud!

Hey, there’s always Photoshop if you really have THAT many issues.

4. Hey Scumbags, Stop Hitting on Me and/or Our Spouses via Facebook.

If I had a dollar everytime either an ex-boyfriend or an old college “friend” started in with me via Facebook, I could take you all out to dinner.  A nice dinner.  Listen, I get that we all have those in our past that we wish we could’ve had – or there are the ones who got away. Hey, we’re all human, right? But there’s a fine line between catching up and seeing how you’re doing to trying to look under someone’s hood and ask  in Joey Tribbiani-style “howa YOU doin’?” You know the difference, so don’t act as if you don’t.  Light flirting is fine…wanting to start sexting and asking how my marriage is doing is not.

3. Facebook is a Social Networking Site – Not a Replacement for a Photo Album.

Throwing on a few pictures from last Thanksgiving is fine.  Uploading more than 100 photos from your Family Grand Canyon trip is just excessive.  No one’s gonna look through all that crap, so cut it out.

2. Speaking of Photos, Stop Tagging  Me with Pixs From My My Embarassing Youth.

It’s just not nice to scan and tag those curled yellowed photos of me with feathered back hair and pre-nose job.  It’s not good form to show the world what I looked like with metallic blue eye liner on. Stop with the tagging!!! Please!!

1. Hanging Out on Facebook May Be Kinda Lame, But it Sure-as-Hell Beats The Geek Squad Who Squat Over at World of Warcraft.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession #24: I Got You, Babe.

I know it’s not my man’s birthday or Valentine’s Day. It’s just the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but I’m having a particularly un-Mix & Bitch moment…meaning, I’m feeling the love. The sentimental.  In other words, the stuff that makes most of you roll your eyes. Too fucking bad, because I think it’s, like, trés important to express the love you have for people.

So in that spirit, I’m going to, like, totally rip off something another blogger friend of mine did for the love of his life.  Enjoy the schmaltz…

The Reasons Why I Love You…

I love that you bring me coffee in bed every morning…even though I dig the cologne you wear (I picked it out) I actually prefer the smell of your skin – there’s nothing else in the world like it…the way you smile with your eyes more than your mouth…your strong hands…how the best traits in our kids are thanks to you…your blue eyes…the bunny fuzz on your ears…I dig the gray hair, even though you hate it…how you used to put on a new piece of Miami Dolphins clothing everytime they started playing badly because you thought it would give the team good mojo (I miss that you don’t believe in that magic anymore)…I am unduly amused by your slightly overprotective nature…your love for bad 80s movies…the fact you were born in the wrong century…your geeky sword collection…how you love Southern rock…the way you wrestle with the girls…your ever-growing verbal talents and social skills…your dislike of people in general, but your kindness with people you know…how you taught me the benefit of the doubt and the beauty of optimism…your need for symmetry…your mad mad math skills…your ability to fix anything…your ass in jeans…the look of love in your eyes when I’ve fed you…how you make me feel like the hottest woman in the room even when I’m not…your irrational affection for all things carbohydrate in nature…the way you shake your head when you sing…your Al Gore-style of dancing…that you try so hard…the way your mind works…that you’re more of a snuggler than I am…how you taught me the value of action over words…that you honestly don’t give a shit if people like you or not…the fact that you always put the seat down…your salmon recipe…how you always keep your promises…the pride you have in your metal sculpture “art”…your trusting nature and patience…showing me what unconditional love looks like in the everyday…I love you.  Always.

A Mix & Bitch Account of The American Music Awards

 

I’m not a fan of award shows for their designated purpose per se, of giving the entertainment industry a ‘pat on the back’ for every semi-creative hiccup that comes out of their mouths.  But they’re great if you need to expunge the snarky within.  Because they’re so over-the-top these days, the opportunity to let out the inner bitchy critic is just too easy to resist.  So without further adieu, here I go…

I’m a fan of Kate Hudson. I think she channels the adorable and quirky just as good as her mama, Goldie Hawn ever did.  And I really do get that she’s a thin girl with little on top.  But man o man, take a look at this shot from the AMAs…

I mean – MY GOD – there’s nothing there!  Not even two little training bra bumps. Jesus, Kate…eat some sandwiches with extra mayo and grow a pair.  We’ve seen you with them before.  Remember when?

Ok, granted… you were pregnant in this picture.  But sans the baby bump, you probably had an extra fifteen to twenty pounds on ya.  Get what kitten…they look good on you.

Speaking of growing a pair, seems now that Adam Lambert’s out of the American Idol box, he wants to get his freak on, like, ten fold…

Here, he’s alerting the crowd that, yes, he does have a penis.

And here, he’s making sure we’re all painfully aware of what he likes done to his penis.

And that he doesn’t want any girl cooties near his magic mike…

“Eew! Don’t touch it! It’ll shrinky-dink back to its original size!”

Ahh….that’s better….

Boy meets boy….boy mauls boy. A classic love story.

Speaking of bro-mances…look who 50 cent brought to the AMAs as his date…

Wow, it’s the former hottie – now puffy -Val Kilmer.  It breaks my heart to see how badly he’s aged….

Anyway, a lot of boy love at the AMA’s this year, which is – ya know – fine.  But leave it to Rhianna to remind us what a woman looks like…

Mind you, a bullet-touting, S & M bondage loving, hospital tape-wearing woman. Takes a lot of something to have the balls to wear this…which incidentally makes Rhianna the one sporting the biggest dick at the AMAs this year.

Take that Chris Brown, 50 cent, Lambert and your Merry Men…

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Pouting Session #1: Not Home for the Holidays

So the whole Mix & Bitch gang was supposed to go to my mom and stepdad’s house in North Carolina for the Thanksgiving holiday.  And while I know plenty of you dread the idea of having to see the people unfortunately related to you, I was really looking forward to going this year.  For one thing, they built themselves quite the rustic palace – and I only say rustic because of its location, not it’s amenities.  With 10,000 square feet and air and heating systems for every wing, it’s not exactly winning any green earth awards anytime soon either.  But my mom really goes all out with the decorations and my stepdad cooks a mean bird.  And thank God my mom loves her box of wine just as much as Kathy Griffin’s mom because she gets more charming by the glass (a trait I too share).  We spend the weekend doing North Carolina mountainy thingys like fishing and hiking the trails and roasting marshmallows at the open fire pit…sigh, it’s just good country fun.

Anyway, the reason why we’re not going is because Queen Mama Bitch (she’s not a music fan at all, hence why no ‘Mix” in her title) is having some unusually bad acid reflux and thinks she’s going to die.  Or that she has a tumor growing on her gall bladder. Or maybe she’s really been having a heart attack the whole time.  In other words, she’s a fucking hypochondriac.  And I wish I could tell you this happens with aging parents, but she’s been this way since I was eight years old.  So she wants to stay down in South Florida, where the “good” doctors are and get this resolved before trekking back to the boonies of Carolina. 

I know I sound selfish. I am, btw.  And I do get it that it’s scary to have pain that doesn’t go away.  I promise you all, I am much more understanding with her on the phone.  But between you and me, the whole jumping to the worse conclusion deal has gotten way old with me.  She’s had a particularly stressful couple of weeks down in Florida (for reasons I can’t get into) and hence, her upper GI tract is inflamed.  Doesn’t take an MD to see the stress is getting to her.  I’ve really been missing her and wanted to see her…so I’m pouting via blogging. I told you all I was a spoiled brat.

The good news is that some very cool Mix & Bitch friends are hosting Thanksgiving and have invited us – there’s also going to be an after-Thanksgiving shin dig on Friday I had wanted to attend.  So that works    I just hate feeling like the third wheel for someone else’s Norman Rockwellian Thanksgiving Day parade.  I have really stank memories of Thanksgiving with my parents – either it being just the three of us barely talking to each other, or getting the pity invite from someone and feeling like I was looking at happy family functioning through the looking-glass.  I would always end up feeling lonelier than ever.

A lot of that changed once my parents split for good and my stepdad came into my mother’s life.  King Stepdad Bitch (he is also not a fan of music, hence why he shares in my mother’s title) can be a real piece of work, but for all his craziness (and trust me, he’s packaging a full load of the crazies) he brought a genuine sense of joy and – dare I say – merriment back into the holidays for me and my mom.  He’s a trip and then some, and he kinda looks like a Jewishy Santa Claus so he just screams holiday friggin’ cheer.  It’s a good time, and I’m going to miss it. So there’s that.

Ms. Mix & Bitch’s Confession #42: I Wouldn’t Want to Join Any Club Who Would Have You as a Member

So, eldest spawn, Sweet Pea, is a member of the Girl Scouts.  Next year, Drama Queen wants to join, and I myself am a former Scout as well.  I used to also be a member of a (wink) Spiritually Vacuous, Dememted and EnTitled Greek organization best known for its perfection of the eye-roll and hair flip simultaneously. And after many other tried-and-failed attempts, I slowly came to the realization that I’m not a joiner.  I’m not comfy in big cliques, and I’m not a fan of the group-think.  That doesn’t make me any better or worse than the rest of you…it just means I know my limits, and if you ask me to join your club – no matter how much I like you – I’m not going. No way. No how.

Ironic because I’m not a loner by nature.  In small doses, I actually like people.  Need then, to be brutally honest.  But I think most of us lose some of our minds and natural common sense and decency when we’re part of a collective.  This is also ironic because when studying for my history masters degree, my sub-specialization was the roles of women in utopian communities.  And my recent favorite documentary is called “Commune.”  I love the idea of groups coming together to better the world, to shed the individual skin in order to experience the spiritual ecstasies often found in collectives. It just never works out that way.  And I am becoming, admittedly, more particular and fussy with age and don’t like people in my space for too long of a time anymore.  Besides, after studying the roles of women in communes, cults, collectives, kibbutzes - what have you – you know what I found out? Even in the most democratically organized of them, most of the women ended up caring for the kids, cooking and cleaning up after everyone else. Oh, and of course, being sexually available to every man on the compound, or otherwise being considered too bourgeoisie and uppity for their own good. 

Yeah…my thoughts exactly.

Anyway, don’t ask me how I got on this rant when thinking about my little ones in Girl Scouts.  I know it’s an innocuous organization…even if they do push those cookies harder than Frank Lewis did his Blue Magic heroin in the 70s…I just get a bit uneasy when they ask to join anything.  Color me suspicious. You wouldn’t be the first, and that’s just how I roll over here. 

Just be lucky you don’t have to live with me. I’d probably end up flushing your toothbrush down the toilet.

Top Five Reasons Why John Mayer is a Douche Bag (and Why I’ll Buy His CDs Anyway)

     

Oh for Christ’s sake, will this guy just SHUT THE HELL UP???

Whew…I’ve been wanting to say that for way too long.  Before I grind my axe on that ridiculous lemonhead of his, I will say this: I actually like his music.  In fact, his break-out album, “Room for Squares,” was the only (and I do mean the only) CD that would calm down my youngest daughter while driving in the car – an activity she hated as a baby. 

So why am I picking on someone who I think has a lot of talent? Because he acts like a tool…so much so that I know more people than not who won’t admit to liking his music because he acts like such a fool.  The thing is…I don’t think John is stupid. Really.  I just think that fame came too hard and fast at too young an age, elevating every young person’s douche bag potential up to critical mass levels. John, at this point in your life, you’re so code red.

So think of me as big sista here who’s gonna set you straight and tell you what all your “yes” people won’t do to your face…

5.  Stop looking so annoyed when the press asks you if your new CD, “Battle Studies” is about Jennifer Aniston. 

What the fuck did you expect, asswipe? You haven’t shut up about her – for better and for worse – for two years.  Oh course the press is going to assume that some of the CD is about her.  Why are you looking so shocked, as if you can’t fathom the connection? If you’re going to play in their sandbox, expect to play all nine innings. Oh and one more thing…after all the lip flapping you did about her, the least you can do for Jen is immortalize her a bit and say she inspired a track or two. What? That would be such a big deal? I didn’t think so…

4. You may not be stupid John, but your women sure are…

Listen John, you’re not the first guy to fall for a pretty face. Hell, we’ve all been there.  But Jesus, Mary, and Joseph do you have to go for the most vacuous women in Hollywood?  I am astounded that each choice of yours gets even worse than the last.  Like who, you ask? Jennifer Love Hewitt? Jessica Simpson (and none of us believe her daddy’s story that she has a 160 IQ.)? And on and off again with the battiest chick in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston? I have close friends of mine who work in the industry and in a town filled with insecure, flakey, and stupid actors, she’s known as the Queen Bee of the Dingbats.  My God, she makes Megan Fox look like a member of Mensa.

There are brilliant, beautiful women everywhere. Find one. And once you do, do us another favor and…

3. Stop with the kiss and tell. It makes you look like an ass and no one respects that guy.

I’m sure the gossip pages luv, luv, luv that you give all the juicy details on why you broke up with Jessica or why you had enough of Jen. But to the rest of us, you look like a prick. A prick with a big mouth. Shut it, already, and show some class.

2. Stop talking about every new tattoo you get.

Hey don’t get me wrong. I may not be an ink seeker myself, but I get the excitement of sporting a new tat.  But in every other interview I’ve seen of you, you rambling on and on about them.  Makes you look like a poser, dude.  Oh and here’s an FYI…I know you think that the Japanese drawing on your arm is oh-so-special and that the tattoo artist made you, like, beg for the honor of wearing that oh-so-rare design…but truth is kitten, I think you got played. Yeah, your art is nice and all, but I’m also sure he jacked up the price ten-fold and only made you squirm in order for you to think you were getting some high honor.  It’s called playing hard-to-get.  So enjoy your tats when you’re staring at yourself in your hotel mirror and shut up about it already, k?

1. You Tweet more than a 12-year-old girl, and your content is just as mature.

John, I’m all about artists reaching out to your public.  Hell, you’ve got over two million followers, so obviously people want to hear what you have to say.  But dammit Janet, I’d bet your iTunes sales that at least half of them plug into you because you have the worse diarrhea of the mouth I’ve ever seen on a grown (ahem) man. 

Do I really need to hear such philosophical musings like “I don’t belong to anyone and no one belongs to me,” and “tears make the saddest lube?” Are ya kidding me with that crap?  I bet you sign your name with little peace signs too, don’t ya buddy?

Ok, that’s it. I have vented.